Man Up | Ep. 78 • February 23, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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In episode 78, I answer the question of: How to handle shit tests?
[Intro Music] Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up!
[Music Fades] Hey this is David Tian, Ph.D. and this is episode 78 of man up. As you can see, I’m in, well you can’t see yet but I’m going to show you. I’m in Tokyo. Check out this view… pretty cool huh! Rushing to the airport as usual. Getting things done at the last minute. Okay, here we go. Make sure the lighting is ok. Okay! Rushing to the airport, I apologize for not putting more videos lately but I’ve been sick. And first time sick in like 3 years.
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So I’ve had to contend with that. But I hope you forgive that. Anyway, beautiful Tokyo in the background. I’m going to get to this question here from the private Facebook group, Daryl. The question is “Hey David, I’ve been getting tested a lot by women lately and I realize, I have to brush up on my skills when it comes to that.”. And he is asking about handling shit tests. Before, I wrote an article a long time ago.
That would’ve been, wow, like 2008. So like 8 years ago, I took down that articles a couple of years ago. Well, maybe last year. And (Daryl) asking why for some help with some shit tests. This should be pretty quick. I’m aiming this quicker than before. Five minutes or less so this is perfect for that.
It’s good that you’re already understanding the concept of shit test. As Daryl puts it, when he’s tested by women, and usually it comes out the context of like something that you want to get from her and there’s something that’s in the way. Then she tests you along the way to getting that thing.
Whether it’s happiness or whatever in the relationship or whether it’s hooking up or something like that. I don’t think that’s helpful to think of shit tests anymore. I think it’s much better to think of being who you are or living according to your values and being clear on your values, being clear on your standards and then having clarity then around your boundaries because you don’t know where your boundaries are unless you have a clear idea of the values.
Once you have a clear idea of your values, then you can draw the boundaries around those values, because you’ve said “this does far and no further because I’m going to stand here for these values, this is what I stand for. When those boundaries get tested, then you can assert yourself. Alright so that is just a matter of being you in the world because the world will test your boundaries.
Other people will obviously test your boundaries. The women that you’re in a relationship with will test your boundaries of what you’ve decided for yourself in terms of your values.
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If you have a clear idea of your values and why you hold them, then it’s pretty straightforward as far as whether to assert your values, or assert your boundaries. Instead of thinking “oh now she’s testing me to see whether…”, just be you. Instead of looking at those interactions as a series of tests, be you.
Because what’s happened is, what I think is, since pick up artists look at testing at shit tests, they try to pass this test, it actually encourages bad behavior and encourages behavior that is unhealthy emotionally and comes from a bad place of ego validation and lack of self-esteem. And instead, deciding what your values are ahead of time and then you can know where your boundaries are around what is acceptable for you in your life.
What you expect from yourself, what you expect from others, a treatment you expect from yourself… of yourself… in the standards you hold yourself to and the standards you hold others to in terms of their treatment towards you, then it’s just a matter of living up to those standards that you’ve set for yourself.
You can do it playfully, obviously at first to see whether that person was serious when they said or did those things that have overstep your boundaries. But once it’s clear that it’s an, in fact, overstep of your boundaries, then you just assert those boundaries. Alright, you just… you assert yourself.
In the way that you assert yourself can be different in obvious different context. It all depends on what those context is. The way you assert yourself with a boarder officer versus a girl in a club would be quite different. Both instances of asserting yourself if your boundaries have been overstepped.
Now, each of these concepts, I’ve covered in extensive depth in two to three hours and there’s four hour videos. The un-values of multiple videos that have been included in “Limitless”. The online course “Limitless” as well as the online course “Invincible” as well as “Inner Life Programs” from aura transformations.
There’s a whole… there’s a big section on values, a big section on boundaries, what those are and how you live in the world with boundaries. And then an entire section on assertiveness especially for assertiveness in guys who are raised in Asia or in context where they’re taught or trained to be more passive.
These are all big concepts, okay? Like values, like boundaries, like assertiveness. But all of them come together in not just how to interact with women but how to live your life in the world because you will constantly need to know what direction you’re headed and whether somebody is overstepping your boundaries. Not just when it comes to male-female interactions but in the world.
So that’s the quick answer, the quickie answer. The longer answer obviously is go check out those courses I made but I appreciate the question. That question came from the private Facebook group. So go ahead and join the private Facebook group. Click the link, join the private Facebook group. We approve requests daily and I will see you inside. Alright, until next time, man up!