Man Up | Ep. 24 • October 26, 2015
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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How To Command More Respect From Other Men
In episode 24, I answer the question how to command more respect from other men.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up.
Hi, I’m David Tian and welcome to Man Up, episode 24. Got a question from Tim here in the private Facebook group: Hi David, as someone who looks way too young for his age, it’s hard to command respect until I’ve proven myself which works fine in a professional workplace and social circles but if I’m out at a bar, chatting with attractive women, I often have jealous, physically imposing dudes butting into our conversation and trying to out-dominate me.
How can someone like me command respect, in general? Okay, so commanding respect. It’s good to earn respect, so he does that in his workplace and among his friends but on a first impression – basically what you’re asking is first impressions question. His first impression is that he is young and is able to be bullied or not taken seriously. It’d help to have a good idea of what you looked like and all that so I can help you.
But if you don’t have good presence physically, if you don’t have good physical presence and you look young, there are a lot of easy ways to look old. One easy way is to actually build muscle. Eat a lot more. This is a common problem for younger guys especially if you’re Asian or coming from a Southeast Asian genetic mix, you’re probably a hard gainer as a young person. What you think is a lot of food is not anywhere near as much food as you need to eat.
You need to eat like it’s your job. Take some mass gainers if you need to. I wouldn’t start with that, I’d just try to eat more. Eat 2000 calories more a day than you are. I’m just throwing that out there, I’m not prescribing anything. But if you’re eating 2000 calories a day and you’re not gaining weight, you should go see a doctor. There’s probably something wrong with your digestive system. Get bigger – that helps. Obviously that takes time but it’ll be good on all kinds of measures – it’ll be good emotionally, mentally and obviously physically, better for your health.
Dress older – I’m wearing a jacket that makes me look older. If I was wearing just a tank top or singlet, I’ll look young. If I shave completely, I’ll look young. If I let this grow a few days, I’ll look older. I have a young haircut, if I wanted to have an older haircut I could just do a more mature comb over. I could grow my hair longer, have it more medium-length and I’d look older. There are many ways to actually appear older. You can just Google it. Hollywood specializes in this. You can see a makeup artist and say I want to look older. You can see a stylist and say I want to dress older. You can do all of these things. These are easy. First impressions are easy.
In a bar, I’m sure the dudes are not just looking at how you look. If you were bigger, if you were more muscular, even if you were shorter if you were more muscular, if you dressed older, they would assume you’re older. But just being older doesn’t guarantee that you won’t get imposing dudes butting into your conversation. It’s not necessarily age that’s the problem. Also part of the problem is your whole set of non-verbals. So those are not just the way you look but also your body language, your posture, the way you move, the way you stand, the space that you take up.
Rather than sinking in, which is bad not just for how other people perceive you but it’s bad for your own confidence. Go watch Amy Cuddy’s talk, second most watched Ted talk, I reference that a lot. There’s a ton of research of how body language affects your own mood. If you’re like this, you’re not going to be confident. If you’re not actually confident, it’s going to come across in the way you interact. So open up, not just for how other people perceive you but for how you feel and how you come across, the state that you’re in. Act confident. Stand confidently.
Your body language but also your tone of voice, your vocal tonality is a huge part of it. There’s a study that’s very often cited coming out of UCLA where 55% of attraction is from body language variation, about 38% is from the sound of your voice and only 7% is what you say in terms of how you can attract somebody – a woman. Work on your voice, maybe your voice is high-pitched. You can actually make your voice more resonant. I recommend – with no affiliate commission, at all – Roger Love.
Go Google him.
Find his vocal warm-up, it’s this fourteen minute warm-up – do it everyday. It’s a kind of singing exercise, it takes you through your middle voice, your head voice, your core voice or whatever it’s called. Make your voice more resonant. Make it louder; make it more dynamic, as well. If you open your mouth more when you speak, you have the resonance chamber increase – more resonance. You can actually forcibly deepen your voice. You can really do that. You can go around talking with a deeper voice. You can have a more commanding voice. These are all things you can practice, you can hone and train in yourself.
In fact, in Aura Transformation, our company does all of those things. We have a series of courses, those modules on body language, eye contact and tonality are in every single one of our programs because it’s that important. You can’t become more attractive to women without paying attention to your non-verbals – body language, eye contact and tonality being the most important of those along with fashion.
Of course, eye contact is a big thing. Hold eye contact; make sure you’re looking at her in the eyes. Make sure when these dudes come along, if you want to gain their respect you’ve got to look them in the eyes. You’ve got to also stand the right way. This is all covered in our courses. There are a lot of little tips that I could do. Each of those, by the way – body language, I have a two hour video on that; vocal tonality and eye contact – also a two hour video on those. In this five minute video – hopefully it’s just five minutes, trying to make them shorter – I’m going to just tell you work on your body language. Work on your eye contact, your tonality. Dress older and have older hair, try to grow some facial hair if you can and bulk up. That will all help you.
All right, man. That’s episode 24. We are at the double dozen. Here’s what you’ve got to do now – go and click on the link to join the Facebook group. Get in there, ask your personal questions. I will answer you personally. I will see you inside the private Facebook group, until next time – man up.