Man Up | Ep. 105 • May 04, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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David Tian: Boom! Stop. In Episode 105, I answer the question of: Are Asian women more fierce than non-Asian women?
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hi! I’m David Tian, Ph.D. And for over the past ten years, I’ve been helping tens of thousands of people in over 87 countries find success in dating and relationships so that they can find love and fulfillment. And here I am in Shanghai. I’m going to show you the video – turned the lights off in the room so the reflection isn’t in the window, but you can see the view. Pretty nice, huh?
We are on the Pudong side, and this is the 76th floor, the room. You can see the pearl tower there, that purple needle tower. And then even across, you can see the bund – some of those buildings over there. Alright, so that’s pretty cool. High up, seeing Shanghai, the pretty lights. We should stop moving around so it can actually focus a bit better, but there you go. Showing a little bit of Shanghai. Okay, that was a whole minute of showing you Shanghai. That’s enough. I think I’m going to – Now, I have to go over here and turn the lights on. Excuse this little production. Here we go, cool. Lights are back on, camera’s adjusting, alright.
Alright. Let’s see. I’ll get the needle tower in the background. Cool, that works. Okay, got a question from the private Facebook group. Close the phone and then it just completely resets, so I got to go find this question again. Going inside the Man Up group, scrolling down, let’s see here. Question from – I think I’m going to answer Frank’s question. Frank, I’m answering your question now.
Long question. Let’s see, let me summarize this. Okay, “Hey David, been watching some of your videos. Great stuff. Thank you for helping men achieve better relationships with others.” Awesome, you’re welcome. “I read your bio, bla-bla. Like you, I immigrated to the US at a young age, grew up in a predominantly white area with no real Asian friends. I’m assuming, though I can’t tell from your Facebook name, that you are Asian of some kind. It would be very helpful to know what your Asian background is.”
“You say your parents were traditional Asian parents who didn’t talk about sex or relationships, and did not show any public display of affection. So it’d be great to know what that Asian background is.” Okay, so let me get the first question, because he actually has a series of assumptions in the question that he doesn’t think are the question, but they’re actually really important. Assumptions are everything, by the way. So, as you get smarter in the world, people who are watching this, you will understand the value of philosophy and you’ll understand how philosophy and philosophical training train you to think clearly.
And one of the most important parts of philosophical arguments is the assumptions. So, in mathematics, it’d be something like, “Let X equal” whatever and “Let Y equal” whatever. Without being clear on what the assumptions are, you can’t start the freaking problem. You can’t even go into the solution. So, there are assumptions here. So, his first question is – is this the main question? The main question is, “Asian versus non-Asian?” I’ll read it out, okay? So, you can read it.
“I have a question about Asian women in general. Are they more fierce in general than non-Asian women? The Asian women in my life were very dominant and assertive. I heard in Shanghai, for instance…” Hey, ironically I’m in Shanghai right now! This is really funny. I heard in Shanghai for instance, the men do all the cooking for their wives, which is amazing.” It might be because they’re really good cooks here.
“I’ve been extraordinarily lucky…” The food’s really good here. “I’ve been extraordinarily lucky to date some amazing Asian women and one who holds a special place in my heart. When she gets mad, hell hath no fury like her. She gets really worked up and unleashes it on me.” Okay, so he gives a great example of an instance. Thank you very much, Frank, that’s really smart of you. I need to know specific examples in order to understand where you’re coming from. But the question here boils down to the bottom.
“I feel like the Asian girls I dated in the USA were more fierce than non-Asian girls. I would appreciate your insight and perspective on that, and how to deal with fierce/aggressive Asian girls. Much thanks for doing great work.” Okay, so Asian versus non-Asian. Hey, you know, I grew up in Toronto for much of my life, and I remember those days when, as an Asian person, being surrounded by other Asian people, we’d say to each other things like, “Hey, what do you want to eat? Let’s go ethnic.”
I don’t know if you guys still use that term out there in Toronto, but I did my PhD in Michigan which was a four-hour driver from Toronto, and Toronto was the ‘big city’. Like, if you’re in Michigan, you don’t get very much Asian food at all. Like, you’re lucky if the sushi is actually fresh. You got great barbecue and stuff likethat, but Toronto has some of the best Asian food in all of North America. So, you go to Toronto to have ethnic food. It’s like very… It’s really parochial, narrow-minded.
It’s like either burgers, pizza, and white people food… I mean American food, right? Or ethnic, which is all the other countries in the whole fucking world are lumped into one category: ethnic. It’s ridiculous. Looking back it was… You know, so I understand where you come from, and you were raised in a white culture in America, so you’re culturally very parochial, culturally very narrow, even within…
Man, one of my best friends growing up, he married a girl from New Brunswick or something. Somewhere out in the Maritimes, where there aren’t… It’s kind of far and a little more inaccessible. So, there’s not a lot of Asian food there. Anyway, he told me she doesn’t like to eat ethnic. That is code back then. This was like 20 years ago, I think. That was code back then for everything other than, like, McDonald’s kind of food.
And it turned out… So, then we went out to eat Niko’s, a safe non-ethnic restaurant. It was an Italian restaurant. And he gets there and he’s like, “Oh damn, she’s never had Italian before. I don’t know how she’s going to take it.” And that just blows my mind, because I’m like, “Italian’s not white?” But you know, there are degrees of parochialness. Some people are so sheltered that even Italian is ethnic food for them.
But I get it, ‘Asian’, ‘non-Asian’. You know, me living in various Asian countries for more than ten years, 15 years, it just blows my mind. It’s like saying, “Human or non-Human food? What do you like?” Because there are a lot of different kinds of humans. There are a lot of different kinds of Asians. The country I’m currently living or was splitting… I split my time, literally, between a few different countries. Singapore, which is made up of Chinese, 70/80 percent Chinese people, of Chinese background, Indian and Malay.
And I get it man, if you’re in the US, you probably don’t even know that Malays are a race. I didn’t know that either until I moved there. I didn’t know they had their own language. I thought Malaysia was all Chinese people. Yeah, shoot me in the head. It’s funny now and slightly offensive to my friends back in Singapore to hear that, but being raised in America and Canada, you’re probably like, “Woah, really?” Yeah, that’s right. Did you know Indonesia is the fourth largest country in the world, almost the same population as the United States, and is a Muslim country?
They have their own language with the English script, did you know that? And they’re not all Chinese. Very few of them are Chinese. You probably didn’t know that. But they’re the fourth largest fucking country in the whole world. I didn’t know that either, so I understand your ignorance. And so where I’m in, I’m shuttling between Bangkok – so Thailand, that’s a whole other Asian country. So Thailand, Singapore, right now I’m in China. I will be in Bali next month, which is Indonesian, though they’re religiously Hindu. Right? Did I fuck with your mind right there? They’re all Asian, dude.
So I know you don’t get it, but we don’t make generaliz… Like, really smart, intelligent Asians, we don’t make generalizations like that. We turn our brains on. So, there’s a lot of generalizations around Thai people, so the kind of level of intellect that I get, guys are asking, “Are Thai women different from Indonesian women?” And I already think that’s way too far. That’s way too big of a generalization. How about Hi So Thais? How about Hi So Thais from Bangkok versus Hi So Thais from another area of the country? That level of generalization is already still too wide, too sloppy in the thinking.
Even generalizing between Chinese and Korean. You know, like here I am in Shanghai. You know in China, they generalize between Southern women and Northern women. And so, Shanghai counts as southern. So in Southern China, the men cook for the women. In Northern China, the women cook for them. I mean, that kind of bullshit generalizations that serve simplistic, dumbed-down minds, that appeals to them. It’s sort of at that level.
So Frank, hopefully if you like the show and it’s resonating with you, that you’re an intelligent person. And because I assume you’re an intelligent person, I now assume that I have shown you the errors in your thinking of such generalizations.
So, I can answer your question quite easily, because… Oh fuck, is that ten minutes already? Because I do want to keep these shorter. The answer to your question is… The question is, “Are Asian women more fierce in general than non-Asian women?” The Asian women in his life or dominant and assertive.
Okay, so the answer is – it depends. Some Asian women are more fierce than some non-Asian women, and some non-Asian women are more fierce than Asian women. Generalizations of this kind serve no one. And in fact, they are good grounds to the boiling and bubbling up of racism. So, why don’t you treat human beings as deserving of individual treatment, finding how who they are instead of getting into these generalizations? Do you know how many Asian people there are in the fucking world? More than white people.
Like, you know, this doesn’t help anybody. There are 1.3 billion Chinese just in China alone. This isn’t counting people like myself and wherever you’re from. And that’s just one Asian country. So, this is really unhelpful in general. There are some Asian women that are dominant and assertive, and some that are not. There are some that are fierce and some that are not. But I want to get to the example he used. But you know, just to keep these shorter, let’s just make this episode about that.
Okay, so this one is about Asian women, are they more fierce and assertive? I don’t do these sorts of things. I don’t do generalizations. It’s sloppy bullshit like this. Let’s say you have a group of maybe 50, a sample size… Or the group that you’re talking about is limited to maybe a thousand people. So like, the girls from that high school versus the girls from that other high school, maybe we can do generalizations there; groups of thousands, maybe. When you’re talking about groups of billions of people? Fuck yourself. I’ not that stupid. So, I hope that you’ll rise the occasion and you’ll realize that was a stupid ass question.
But I get it. It’s a stupid ass question to me, but wherever the fuck you are right now in the US, I mean, it’s probably a big deal that that sushi restaurant opened down the street, so you can finally have some fucking sushi. I get it. Get some bubble tea, Chinese it up. Go drive a Honda and put some lights under it. And you’re like, “I’m in Asia!” Yeah, man. Come out to Asia and find out what it’s really like, and then it’ll blow away all your generalizations.
By the way, the food here is really good. I ate so much of it. I’m so stuffed. I can barely wake up. Like, I slept a lot today because I had way too much of this amazing food. So, if the Shanghai men are awesome cooks, then power to them, man. I will eat their food next to their wives. Their wives can eat it, I’ll eat some of it too. We’ll eat the food, it’s good.
And I like how I set up this tower here. It’s just shining right to the end of the show. So, join the private Facebook group. You can also read the full questions. Those are interesting themselves, Frank wrote a lot there. And thank you a lot, Frank. That reminded me of my childhood of how ignorant I was back then and how culturally sheltered I was, and how most Americans are fucking sheltered. One of the reasons I hate going there is people are sheltered that way. But you know, they’re already ahead of many other countries, so that’s not bad.
But that’s not the world that I live in. That’s not the sphere that I operate in. Join the private Facebook group. I’ll see you in there and read your questions. Next episode, I’m going to answer the rest of Frank’s question. Until then, Man Up!