Man Up | Ep. 13 • September 16, 2015
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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How To Win A Girl Back!
In this episode, I talk about how to win a girl back.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up.
Hey, welcome to episode 13 –finally the baker’s dozen. I’m excited to get into this. So I have a question from two different individuals but it’s the same question worded slightly differently: The biggest challenge I’ve got is bouncing back from failure. How can I screw up so badly with the woman I want until she never wants to see me again? How do I approach her again to start off from square one. This is from Han.
The related question from Phan says: I was in a relationship with a girl for two years then after that we got a break -interesting grammar. I tried my best to convince her that she should not end our relationship and break my heart but she left. I still love her and really want her to come back to my life so what do you say? Okay, so Phan and Han. You have similar names, just a different starting letter.
Okay, here’s what to do if – well Han, in this situation didn’t say that he was in a relationship with her but he was apparently pursuing her, screwed it up so badly. I can’t answer your first question because it’s – how did I screw up so badly – because you messed up. Now – how do I start off again? It’s similar to the: How do I rekindle a failed relationship?
The big thing here is that, first of all you have to understand what it is that you did wrong in the first place. Maybe that’s a wrong way to put it. Why wasn’t she attracted to you in the first place? If you ask that question deeply, you should come up with an answer that is both – it’s partly her and it’s partly you. Hopefully, you’re not going to completely change everything about yourself just to please her because that’s really dangerous.
But basically, here’s the deal: you have to come back different. So there’s some reason that she didn’t like you. You have to figure out what that is then you ask yourself, is it worth it to change that thing? Do I really want to change this thing about myself even if it didn’t get me that girl? Would I still want to change this thing? For a lot of guys, and it sounds like – just based on your grammar guys, just kidding – just like the average guy can change a lot about themself. There’s a lot of things that he should improve in life.
There’s a lot of things he should start doing and a lot of things he should stop doing to get transformation in life. It’s a lifelong process. If you want to be happy you need to actually be growing. You should never settle in life or you’re actually going to be unhappy. That’s a big myth that guys generally – it’s a big trap that they fall into – thinking that there’s one day, one day I can rest, one day I can stop improving myself. But that’s not true. Here’s the deal, figure out what she didn’t like about you and that she wanted more from you and then identify that and ask yourself: Do I want that for myself? Do I want to become the guy that she would want? And if the answer is yes then it’s a simple matter of going out and getting that – becoming that guy.
This is an area where you can just improve your life. So maybe you could get your health and fitness down, become more well-rounded, become more adventurous. Often in a relationship you were more spontaneous and unpredictable and then you run into a rut, because you got into a routine and you stopped improving yourself. You started to get comfortable; you started to get flabby – mentally, emotionally, physically.
Now it’s about getting back into that or probably doing a lot more and better than that. In that sense work on yourself, improve yourself; transform yourself into who you want to be – your ideal self. Ideally it would be – your ideal self would happen to coincide with the guy that she wants and then that would work. I would recommend and strongly warn you against changing yourself just to get a girl. But if you’ve decided that you want that change in your life anyway, then go and get that change.
Like I said, it could be your lifestyle; it could also be your flirting techniques – whether you’re humorous enough, whether you’re able to connect with her. There could be many, many reasons why and you’ve got to identify that reason and change yourself.
Now while you’re working on yourself, you need to cut contact off so that the contrast between who you were and who you have now become is more stark. So that she will forget that stuff from before. So you want her, basically, to almost just forget who you were so that when she meets you again for the second time after your transformation – or after sufficient transformation because you’re never really done with transformation but you’re sufficiently through the transformation – it’ll be like, wow.
It’s like you’re creating a new first impression. That’s what you’ve got to get to. You have to get to the point that you’re creating a new first impression. And the general rule of thumb – there’s always exceptions, of course – but the general rule of thumb is that however long you’ve known her, however long she’s known you and had contact with you – you’ll need at least half that amount of time for her to forget her first impression of you in a meaningful way. So that she won’t keep anchoring her old bad impression to you – your face and your voice and your presence.
For instance, if you went out for two years with this girl, for sure if you disappeared for one year and then you re-establish contact or she happened to meet you again serendipitously on the street, she would forget, in a way, and be able to form a new first impression of you. That’s definitely within a year depending on how much contact you had, though.
If you were seeing each other like every other day for two years or every day for two years, you would need a year. But if you saw each other maybe once a week for two years, you might only need six months or maybe even four months, so it really depends. It depends on the intensity of contact time during that relationship or when you guys knew each other.
Then you disappear for a while, you transform yourself, you come back as the hero, in that sense it’s like– you’ve become a better person. Now, here’s the really important thing, when you meet her again or when you bump into her or whatever, you can’t be needy.
That’s what I said from the very beginning. You can’t be doing these things in your life; you can’t be changing yourself just to get her. Because if you do, when you first meet her, you’re going to be leaking neediness. So you’ve got to make sure that whatever it is that you’re going to be doing to improve yourself, has to be done for your own sake; because you want to do it for yourself regardless of whether it brings her back in your life.
So that’s how I’d answer that question: How do you start off again with a woman that you had a relationship with?
First of all, you can leave comments under the video, I’m going to read all those as well. I encourage you to click on the link and join our private Facebook group where you can ask all of your questions. I will read everything in there. You can also vote up questions that you want answered. Okay, so I’ll see you inside the private Facebook group. Interact with me personally there and take action and in the mean time -man up.