Man Up | Ep. 154 • November 07, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD. And in this video, I answer the question: What if she moves on faster than you do? Welcome to Man Up Episode 154.
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, PhD, and this is Man Up!
Hey! It’s David Tian, PhD, and for over the past ten years, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness and fulfillment in life and love, and welcome to Man Up Episode 154. I’m in Bangkok, and this is a famous section of Bangkok, a section between Siam Center and Paragon there. And this is the BTS – it’s the subway, the above ground subway here. And it’s actually really cool, because – I don’t know if you can see this, but there is a skywalk. So basically up there, you can walk across just below where the subway train is and it goes four subway stations across.
So, it’s pretty cool because it’s just an elevated skywalk above the street, and it’s really handy during rush hour, instead of having to contend with the sidewalks. It’s just a wide open pedestrian walkway that spans four subway stations and most of the shopping malls. So, that’s Bangkok for you. Got a question here from the private Facebook group, and this one comes from Russell. And I’m also going to address another question that comes from Justin, because they’re related.
So, Russell’s question here is – so, he gave me some background and I’ll just dive into the meaty part. Okay.
“It’s three weeks today since my ex split up with me. Today, I looked at Instagram and she started her Instagram again. With loads of photos of her out clubbing, drinking, et cetera, and with photos of us just cropped me out of them. Three weeks. Why is she doing all of this public? The night I left her, she was crying her eyes out and didn’t want me to leave, but she said it’s got to happen at the moment and in a few weeks we can try again. Why is she doing all of this rubbish, rubbing it in my face?
I looked this morning, and before she was following 100 people, now tonight she’s following over 2,000 people. Like, what the hell? She doesn’t even know 20 people, let alone 2,000. All I keep asking is, why is she doing this to me? I’ve never hurt her, never been unfaithful and I’ve always put her first in stuff.”
Okay, so he wanted to get my thoughts on that, Russell — and I’m also going to be answering a question from the private Facebook group from Justin, who had a much longer story. And one aspect of it was the fact that his girlfriend of almost four years dumped him. She actually cheated on him with a guy that they met through a mutual friend, and she hooked up with that guy within three weeks of knowing each other, a month of knowing each other. And he was like, “It took me six months to get her in a relationship. How is it that she can be so in love with this guy after just one month and throw away our three-year relationship?”
Also she said to him, “She told me she got bored of our relationship; that she wanted to be a princess. I was so confused, she’s 23 by the way. I did everything I could to save the relationship, but it seems we’re not in the same page anymore. And then the truth comes to light, it took me a month to find out that she was cheating on me with a guy – the mutual friend. Our common friend told me a day after we got home from the beach, this guy showed up at the hospital where she works as a nurse with balloons, cakes, and a bouquet of flowers.
So, those were the questions and they’re related. So, both guys don’t understand why they got dumped, and in Justin’s case why he got cheated on and they’re asking the ‘why’ question. Most guys in break-ups, the ones who got dumped, usually do that. They just stare into space and ask why, “Why? Why? Why is it happening to me?” So first thing is, you have to understand the difference between love and passion; the difference between love and passion.
I actually have a much longer free video course on how to make a relationship passionate, how to understand passion, and that’s in our Man Up Facebook group. So, all you got to do is join the Facebook group. And then you tap the pinned post and it’s in there. It goes into detail on the difference between passionate attraction and companionate attraction. I just want to hammer that home. That’s almost always the very first thing a guy in a break-up situation has to learn. Because usually, when he gets through these relationships, his relationship fails because the girl is still young and doesn’t know the difference between passion and love, and she mistakes passion for love, and she just wants more passion again.
The guy doesn’t know what passion is or doesn’t know how to create it, doesn’t know what triggers it, doesn’t understand what it is, so he can’t give it to her because he’s not in control of it. But he thinks it’s all love, and so he asks these questions, “How is she able to be passionate with this other guy, or move on so quickly and look for excitement and passion again, and drama and romance again, and throw out our love connection? How can she do that?”
So, a lot of these guys who are in the nice guy situation and get into a relationship are looking basically to form a connection and to feel like they’re good enough; they’re good enough to be loved. And they know they’re good enough to be loved when they get into a relationship, when a girl he likes, likes him back. That tells this unconscious little boy that he’s good enough to be loved. And then he gets addicted to that feeling because he’s so needy and codependent towards it, he becomes addicted to it.
And when it goes away, a lot of the symptoms of addiction are the same as what guys are experiencing when they’re going through a break-up and trying to recover.
So, that’s the dynamic. These girls who are young, 23 years old, wants to feel like a princess again or for the first time, and throw away that love connection… And basically what’s happened is, in that relationship, you guys depolarized. The passion went away, because naturally it does and I’ve covered this in quite a few Man Up episodes already, and they go into this in much more detail in the free video course, in the Man Up group. So, join the Man Up group to get the free video course.
So, I feel like a broken record. I’m continuing to repeat this, but you have to understand what passion is, you have to understand what attraction is. These girls, they’re not really women yet, these girls are still looking for the ‘butterflies in the stomach’, the ‘fairy tale ending’. And the fact that girl’s so conscious about it, she’s like, “I want the prince. I want the princess experience. I want to find my prince.”
And it’s a whole living out that Disney fantasy. In fact, for every young person who believes that, which is like 99 percent of them, they’re not going to be able to sustain a long-term relationship. I’ve already covered this and I go into much more detail in the free course, but it’s three to five years in, it will guarantee fail. It will guarantee your relationship, guys. If you don’t join the Man Up Facebook group and watch that pinned post, or commit to find years or ten years or a lifetime of therapy, which is something you should do anyway because you need it – otherwise, just go fucking away. You guys are all fucked. This whole world, they’re all fucked.
This whole world, they are fucked. They don’t know what the fuck they’re doing in a relationship. They don’t know the difference between passion and love; it’s over, game over. I know if I get into the relationship counseling thing, it’s guaranteed. Because everybody’s going to need it, because everybody’s fucked up in the head.
And here’s another thing: women in their early 20s, they’re in much better position than men in their early 20s to get mating opportunities. In the modern world, the modern world much more rewards young, attractive women. And just young women versus young men, young boys. So, a girl who is 23 is going to be able to hop on Tinder and get hundreds of guys wanting to hook up. The average guy who is 23 hops on Tinder and might get half a dozen if that requests to hook up. The modern world is just not going to reward the young 20-something male the way it rewards the 20-something female.
And technically, biologically speaking, she’s in the prime of her mating period, just in terms of her fertility and all that. And it starts to tank out once she hits her 30s in terms of more complications with pregnancy and so forth. So just biologically, human beings and men are responding to that. And women are feeling like – the young women are like, “Oh, this is my 20s, this is my prime.” And technically, like I said, in terms of mating value in the modern world, it is her prime.
So, she wants to live it up. She wants to experience being a princess. She wants to experience getting the gold digger experience. She wants to live it up. YOLO and all of that. So, let them do it. I mean, they’re fucked. You guys are all fucked. Whether you’re a guy or a girl, if you don’t understand love, the difference between love and passion, you’re all fucked and I will see you when you hit your 30s. I’ll see you in your mid-30s. I’m going to see you anyway.
Maybe I’ll be retired by then, so maybe it’ll be too late and you’ll just have to watch the free video course, but it’s just guaranteed. None of you guys know what the fuck you’re doing when it comes to relationships. So, fucking man up, join the group, watch the freaking free courses I’ve made on this, and I’m going to continue to make on this, because it’s so necessary.
There’s a lot more understanding around how to pick up chicks than about relationship, a ton more, like a hundred times more. So, just thinking that you know how to pick up a chick and you think now, “Okay, I’ll just take that and extend that through to a relationship.” That’s stupidity. So, I hope my passion’s coming across here on that point. Join the private Facebook group, learn the difference between passion and love. Understand the mentality of young women in the modern world, who don’t know the difference between passion and love themselves.
And so, they continually mistake passion for love. So, they keep looking for the passion, but the passion necessarily will die. It necessarily goes away unless they know how to sustain it. But most people have no control and no idea how that happens. This is this modern bullshit, and I think it’s not just modern, it’s always been bullshit since Romeo and Juliet; this idea that love just happens.
And then when it dies, it just ends. I’ve already talked about this in the free video course about all of the clinical psychology on this, and all of the counseling, research on this. It’s time to get smart about relationships. It’s time to understand why you young men in your 20s are getting fucked over in relationships. Because the girl can dump your ass and then hop on the street – well, let’s not make her sound like a prostitute – hop into the club and just hook up again that same night.
Whereas for the average 20-something dude, you can’t. You can’t just walk into a club and hook up. You can’t. You got to get the skill. You got to go – and usually, you lose your mojo if you get dumped. I mean, it’s just a totally different situation.
So, it’s time to get serious about this and actually turn your brains on and learn. There’s been a ton of research on this, but they’re all – the people writing about this are old, grizzled – old white men that young guys don’t listen to. So, hopefully you’ll listen to me. Join the private Facebook group, got a lot of research in there in the free video course.
So, I will see you inside the private Facebook group and you’ll learn the difference between passion, and love, and connection.
And until then, Man Up!