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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
Connect with David Tian here:
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My Ex Fucked Me Over
David Tian Ph.D. asks us to examine ourselves why we get into these types of relationships in the first place.
David Tian Ph.D. tells us we need to understand how attraction works, the emotion of it, passion and how that works.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. challenges us to ask ourselves the harder question of what we can change about ourselves in terms of our emotional maturity.
Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD. And in this video, I answer the question: What if your ex fucked you over? Welcome to Man Up Episode 152.
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, PhD, and this is Man Up!
Hey! It’s David Tian, PhD, and for over the past ten years, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success in life, love, and happiness. And I’m here in Singapore, at the office, the sun is setting and answering a question here from the private Facebook group. This one comes from Jack, and Jack has a pretty brutal question, so let’s get to it.
“She left me on my birthday. I was suffering with severe depression. My car was fucked. I had no job. At the time, I thought she was all I had. I stuck by her through two years of unemployment, three years of hospital visits and bowel disease operations, and three years of supporting her financially, emotionally and in any way I could.
I got so little back and started seeking approval elsewhere. I understood why she was heartbroken, but has string me along for six months afterwards, used me for my money, my time, my car, all while you were with him; the guy I didn’t need to worry about.”
So, this is him now talking to her – which is what people in fresh from a break-up tend to just suddenly erupt into tirades against their ex.
“Here we are, two months after the event” – Okay, and he’s still talking to her.
“Here we are, two months after the event, and you’re posing all over social media with a guy who is the exact opposite of what you look for in a man.
I feel like I’ve wasted so much time and effort on you. My view of the world was so skewed while I was with you. Love isn’t blind, but love blinded me, fuck you.”
And he wants to know my opinion of his situation. So, man, there’s a lot here, so lots to say. And this makes me want to create a course. So, all of our paid programs, Limitless, Invincible, 10 Weeks to Freedom, Awakenings, all of them, begin with a primer on attraction. What is attraction? What do women really want? What is attraction, this emotion? What causes it? What triggers it? How do you create it once you know what it is?
And that’s something that usually a three-hour treatment – to go into depth on it, all of the science and all of the psychology on it. But Jack, just from that message it seems like he doesn’t understand what attraction actually is, so you can’t blackmail somebody into being attracted to you, you can’t just like- so I’ve covered this in the Nice Guy video, it’s like Episode 8 or something like that but it’s on why the nice guy is not actually all that nice. The nice guy is usually in a transactional relationship, which is like, “I’ll do all those stuff for you, if you do this for me.”
And he’s also a white knight, where because of his — for various reasons that I will be covering in the Man Up Facebook group in the live shows — for various reasons, he’s adopted the pattern of pleasing or achieving to get approval and love in his life, starting from when he was a child. And that’s the way that he knows, unconsciously, that’s how he does it, to get love. He feels like he needs to do all those stuff.
And if he does all this stuff — here’s some of the examples he gave. “I supported her, and all of the stuff, financially and so on.” Then she ought to owe him, right? So, in a way he’s like, “Okay, I’m going to help you out, I’m going to help you out, and you better pay me back.” And that’s a transactional – or you better at least respect it and be super nice to me. I mean, she looks she strung him along for six months using his money, time and his car.
Because he gave out all of that, supporting her, he expects her to reciprocate. And when that’s not there, he feels like he’s ripped off in some way. And when the guy gets into a transactional relationship with his woman, that’s the fallout. No one respect transactional relationships when it’s in the context of love. Because in fact, that’s not real love; that’s just like tit for tat. Or you got my back, and I’ll get your back kind of thing.
That’s not true love; that’s not what the classical definition of love is. That’s actually easy to get. If I’m nice to you, you’ll be nice to me. It shouldn’t be that difficult, but unfortunately she’s expecting a lot more out of a relationship. People want a lot more out of a relationship. And for a guy, is in that situation, he becomes really needy. So, that’s the fake nice guy.
So, he needs to learn about attraction. The other thing Jack, what you should do, is to get in the private Man Up Facebook group. There’s a pinned post. Tap the pinned post. You can get a free video course on how to recover from a break-up. You need to have the bigger understanding, the broader understanding of attraction and what’s happening.
Okay, but here’s another point I want to make, which is why I chose this question in particular. He did all of these things and these are good things. I mean, if you’re in love, you will do these things unconditionally. You’re not doing them so that she will reciprocate. You don’t want to get taken advantage of. So, if you see that she’s taking advantage of you, you should cut it off. But it’s like with your child, you’re not doing all of these things out of love for your child and only doing it if your child will pay you back, you know? You’re doing it out of love; true love means you don’t need a return on it. It’s unconditional, and most of the world sucks at that.
But here’s the thing. Here’s what I want to get to. Two years of unemployment, he’s stuck by her through two years of unemployment, three years of her hospital visits, three years of supporting her. And maybe you add on another six months, definitely the end of that, using his money, time and car. All while you were with him, the guy you didn’t need to worry about, and now he’s, “Here we are two months after the event, and you’re posing all over social media with a guy.”
So, what the typical game advice on that would be is to figure out attraction, become more attractive and just not get taken advantage of anymore, in a kind of Machiavellian way, like game playing, right? So, manipulative game playing. Don’t get played, play her. Understand attraction so you can create it. And this is what young people, a lot of guys in their 20s who have no real morals or ethics when it comes to other people. And that bothers me. So, I get it. I’m surrounded by people like that. I still am. The Man Up group, and many other groups, the world is full of people like that. “Take whatever you can. Don’t get taken advantage of. But hey, take advantage of people when you can.”
It’s sort of like, “Don’t get fucked over anymore and learn to play the game.” And that’s wonderful. You should definitely learn the game so you don’t get fucked over. But the way to evolve beyond that is not to actually become a hawk yourself. So, doves and hawks, standard game theory. The hawk is the one who’s taking advantage, the dove is the one being taken advantage of, and the lesson from the PUA world, the pick-up artist world and the game world, the world of learning game, is to become a hawk.
And in the live shows, in the private Facebook group, I go over why this is actually incredibly dangerous in the long run approach to take. But of course, most people in the world just want to get that result, which is often love, approval, out of their neediness. They just want to get money, power; same thing, right? How do you get money and power? This is how you get it.
But people – what I really lament is the loss of morality, of goodness. When’s goodness, right? So like, I see all these dudes who’ve got tricked, betrayed, cheated on by girls, and they just become bitter and hate women. They just get very anti-women. And it just becomes a power struggle. And they feel like they lost the power struggle or they lost a battle, and now they want to win the next battle and it becomes this adversarial thing with women; man versus woman.
You see this all the time in that Men Go Their Own Way, MGTOW acronym on the internet. I read it. The blue pill/red pill bullshit debate about that. And it’s just this horrible dynamic of battling, male-female battling. And it’s awful. The whole thing is, “Where is goodness?”
So, the way forward is not by “Fuck goodness, I’m going to take advantage of them to get back at them, to get mine, to play the game well so I get all the things I want and don’t get burned.” I don’t want to live in a world like that. And yes, the world is like that for the most part, and fuck the world. Like literally, Singapore is very materialistic in many ways, as most big cities are, most financial centers, which is money and power. That’s all people care about.
Right now, most people here and around the world, in big financial centers, are actually in survival mode. They’re barely making rent. They’re hardly putting anything in savings, if they’re saving at all, and they’re probably in credit card debt like they are in America or in many places. And they’re just trying to keep up with the Joneses and all this stuff. And they’re still in survival, so they’re still trying to figure out, “How do I make a buck?”
People like that are low in the evolutionary hierarchy of needs, and it sucks because their lives are empty. I mean, the pursuit of money and power is an empty pursuit. You will die. You will die. Why are you here? What’s the fucking point? You’re just like another animal, just pleasure, pleasure, pleasure. There’s no difference between you and a fucking animal, all you guys. You’re like eat, fuck, sleep, shit; that’s all you do. That’s all you really do. You don’t create any goodness in the world.
So, fuck you all. I want to be around people and I try to live my life nowadays in a way that expands goodness. And if you think that’s a trite, then get out of the group, stop watching this video, I don’t fucking care. Because the world is full of people like you, and the world is not a better place because of you. The world is not a better place for having you in it.
Whether you are the victim right now of your relationship – the girl took advantage of you and you feel like you’re the victim, and your response to that is to become the predator? Then, you’re both bad.
You’re both evil in that sense. I don’t want to be around that, and I want to make that clear. The Man Up group is not for people like you. If you don’t respect morality, virtue, integrity or honesty, sincerity, then we don’t want you in the Man Up group. Please, leave the group or I will block you out of the group. I’ve been identifying people who are negative and putting out negative vibes in the group, and I’m just silently blocking them.
And now, I guess I’m coming out and saying I’ve been going ahead and blocking them. You might see a guy’s name there and you can’t click on that name or whatever, or it’s like faded out or whatever. He was a guy who got blocked. He got blocked because he’s not going according to the core values of the group. He’s not positive and upholding integrity and honesty.
And there are a lot of groups for people who want to be Machiavellian and take advantage of other people and become hawks, and become predators. They were once victims, and their response to that is become a predator. Or they got fucked over and now they want to fuck 10 girls over. That’s not what I want to do. I focus on goodness and I think that’s a different thing from a lot of other people.
So, when’s goodness? Yes, this woman took advantage of you. The response to that is not to give up on goodness. The response to that is try to grow from it and evolve from it, and to really stop and think – here’s the big question for you Jack, why were you attracted to her in the first place? Learn something about yourself. And to all those guys who got cheated on and fucked over by psychopaths, the response is not just to educate yourself on why she is such a bad person. That’s important for you to understand.
You should know that so you understand the dynamics of what happened. But more importantly, ask yourself, “Why were you suckered into it?” Not because you got taken advantage of as a victim. But you came in, not as a victim per se. Because in all these relationships, you were attracted to that. You had a choice. Why were you attracted to that?
So, I’ll leave you with that as the way to close up this video. And every time you got cheated on, you feel like you got fucked over, you feel like, “Man, that ex, fuck her.” Whenever you find yourself saying that to yourself, ask yourself, “Why did you get into that relationship in the first place?” What was it about you? Why were you the perfect victim? Figure that out. Not because of your gullibility, but because of your neediness.
What kind of neediness did you have in your past that would make you the perfect victim? Because if you don’t get a hold of that, and you simply become a predator, you’ve made the world a worse place and I don’t want you in my life or in our group. So, I don’t want to interact with you at all.
And more importantly for you, because I think many of these victims who become predators, they do it out of desperation because they don’t know any other patterns. There’s another pattern: The other pattern is to rise above, to rise up above that fracas of the hate on women and all that crap, and to actually understand thing from a wiser, more mature perspective.
And it is difficult in the sense. It’s actually simple, but it’s difficult in the sense it takes courage. It takes moral courage.
So, I challenge you. I challenge you to ask a harder question of what you can change about yourself in terms of your emotional maturity and understanding what was damaged about you. If you don’t want to use the word damaged, what you need to evolve out of – in terms of your neediness and your response to that – and how you can grow psychologically and emotionally from this experience of being cheated on or being taken advantage of.
So Jack, that’s a deeper answer I can give you. But the more superficial answer is – because for Jack, you need to also understand how attraction works, the emotion of it, passion and how that works. So I actually have quite a few free video courses on that. Join the private Facebook group to access those free video courses.
Also, I’m covering this in a deeper way in the live shows. Today is October 19th. So right now, as of tomorrow, and then next week as well – two more shows next week – I’ll be doing more live shows. So, join the private Facebook group to get into the live shows and I will see you inside the private Facebook group. Until then, Man Up!