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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
Connect with David Tian here:
DTPHD Podcast Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/dtphdpodcast/
Man Up Show Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/
Do Attractive Women Want Providers?
David Tian Ph.D. explains what attracts women and the cost-worth connection.
David Tian Ph.D. clarifies the differences of love, attraction, and infatuation.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. shares what men can do if they want long-term relationships.
David Tian: Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD, and in this video, I answer the question: Do attractive women want providers? Welcome to Man Up 201.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, PhD., and this is Man Up!
Hey, this is David Tian, PhD., and for over the past 10 years, I have been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness and fulfillment in life and love. Here we are in New York City. As you probably recognize behind me is Wall Street. I’m in front of the building. It is the National Archives, and just out in public on a Sunday. A lot of tourists here out in this area. I just did a Tony Robbins event, Unleash the Power Within. You might be able to hear that my voice is a little hoarse because of all the shouting. It’s great. It’s my fifth one. It was okay.
I kind of feel like it’s my fifth one in four years. He’s been changing up some of the material, but most of it is still the same, just different stories. Anyway, that’s why my voice is like this. I got a question here from the private Man Up Facebook group. This one comes from Iron Nick. Nick says:
“Is it wrong to want to be a provider to a woman? It’s how I was brought up, and a high value to me as a man to provide for my woman and my potential family? Apparently, woman”, in the singular, “are not sexually attracted to providers????”
Nick, I’m going to answer your question. You got a lot of question marks in there. Let’s take it one at a time.
First of all, Nick is insecure. He’s scared about whether girls will like him. That’s the real issue. It isn’t about the actual psychology of this to him. But anyway, is it wrong to want to be a provider to a woman? That’s a poorly-worded question. Right or wrong, it’s irrelevant. Right now, you’re just asking: Will I not be able to attract a female sexually if I want to provide for her?
He says, “I was brought up and high value to me as a man to provide for my woman and my family.” Here is his problem, and it’s a problem that so many of these immature guys, no offense Nick, but immature guys have. They still make the fucking mistake of mixing up love and attraction. Sexual attraction is sparked by a lot of psychological things that are given to us through evolution. Right or wrong has got nothing to do with evolution. There’s no good or bad.
Evolution, we survive, we came to be who we are now by killing. Red in tooth and claw means that we, at the top of the pyramid after millions of years, only survived because we killed, and we ate, and destroyed each other. We are on the heap of bones and meat of other animals. If you’ve imagine how we, at the top of the evolutionary chain, as human beings, we stand on top of the carcasses of other animals. Let that sink in. If you think that there’s any right or wrong, or good or bad in evolution, you’re fucking naive. This is already way beyond Nick’s level of comprehension. It’s the same thing.
I’ve been talking at a very high level, and I get these questions where the guys are just basically, “How do I text a girl?” Look, if you just want to learn how to text a girl, don’t come to me. Don’t join our group for that. There’s a ton of other PUA bullshit that you can learn that low-level shit from. Turn your brain on right now. I’m just saying, but as I’ve been saying for 200 episodes, the sign shows that evolution, why females are attracted to males, has nothing to do with right or wrong, good or bad, morality at all. It’s simply what is good for survival and what is good for replication. That’s it. That’s amoral. There’s no morality there.
Obviously, women are attracted to guys with 6-packs. Iron Nick’s profile photo is a headless 6-pack. A headless 6-pack photo. What does that tell you about him? If you’re an intelligent human being, you already know where Nick is coming from. He doesn’t give a fuck about morality. He says, “I have these values. I want to provide for my family. And yet it’s wrong because a woman won’t like me.” Well then, fuck that woman. Maybe literally, but fuck her – too bad. Look, normally, I would launch into a 2 hour class on the cost-worth connection, on the importance of investment for sexual attraction. It goes both ways, male and female.
If she doesn’t require you to do any work for her, you’re going to lose attraction as well. Guys don’t realize this because they’re so fucking needy and they’re so low self-esteemed. The guys who would ask are low self-esteem. It’s so hard for them to get triggered that way. But you know, a woman who has a lot of suitors, a lot of guys vying for her attention and are attracted to her, she gets to pick among them. If she doesn’t have to do anything else except show up and look pretty, she’s not going to value that thing very much. In the 2 hour class on this in Limitless and Invincible, I go into much more detail, but I know a lot of guys who first join the group and are stupid – this is a course for intelligent men, right? They don’t understand. They think David is long-winded, but actually what I’m doing is I’m condensing 4 hours into a few minutes.
They’re stupid. It’s not that I’m long-winded; they’re stupid. Here’s the deal, right? You can take the course where I go into detail for intelligent men, or you can turn this off, turn it off, bye-bye, I don’t want to deal with you if you don’t have a brain, right? So, here’s the deal. Cost-worth connection. Google it. Done. Turn off the fucking video. Cost-worth connection. Google it. I can go into detail on this. I can illustrate it for you, go in-depth on this, but obviously I don’t have time. This is not the venue for it.
If you want the in-depth version of it, I have a longer course on this, Limitless, Invincible, Charisma Code, Conversation Vortex, they all go into depth on importance of investment for sexual attraction. In other words, in one sentence: Cost-worth connection means, we as human beings, homo sapiens, as a result of evolution over millions of years, have come to appreciate value, consider something to be worthy, in so far as it costs us something. It could cost us in terms of time, effort, money, and then we value it more. Simple. Simple as that.
She might even have attraction for you just straight up physically: great body, and all of this shit. If you don’t ask her to invest any time, effort, thought, brain power like I’m asking you to invest in my material with your brain, then if you don’t want to invest your brain power, I don’t want you. Simple as that. I don’t need you, right? Simple as that. Same with a girl. If all she has to do is show up and look pretty, you’re not asking for her time, effort, thought, care, attention? She’s not going to value it. Simple as that.
You’re worried that you want to provide for her, so that’s attraction. If you want a long-term relationship, the last thing you should look for is a woman who is purely-driven by her emotions. This is most people. They don’t know what love is. They think love is just sexual attraction. If love is sexual attraction, you’re right: the game is lost. Over time, novelty will always override the in-the-moment attraction for the person that you’re with, unless both parties are mature enough to actually have commitment, and loyalty, and responsibility. That takes a lot more maturity than a guy who would post a headless 6-pack photo as his profile photo to represent himself on a major social platform like Facebook.
Here’s the other thing: A lot of guys just want to learn, “What is it that women are attracted to? I’ll become that.” And then they’re basically losers. There’s basically nothing to them, nothing. They don’t ask for commitment. They don’t understand loyalty. They don’t understand responsibility, because those things are not emotions. Those things are decisions. That’s a big difference: love versus attraction. If you haven’t watched my 1-hour talk on this, Love vs Attraction, YouTube search it and find it before you ask me any more questions. Go back to that. That is the last fucking time. Love vs Attraction. You get this confused, you’re out.
So, you’re asking, “Will she be attracted to me if she doesn’t invest?” The answer is no, she will not be attracted to you if she does not invest. But if you want to be the provider and you ask her to invest in other areas in terms of time – ask her to put in time. Get her to do laundry. Get her to help cook. Or if you don’t want her to do that, house chores, get her to put some time and thought into it, plan out a date, plan, think about you, things like that: she invests her heart into it. If she doesn’t have to put any time, effort, into it at all, she will, as a human being, as a homo sapien, cannot help but not be attracted. Attraction.
And then there’s love. Love is about commitment in a long-term relationship. So many people confuse love and infatuation or love and passion. Love requires commitment. If this girl after everything, you provide for the family, because she’s less attracted as a result, and then she breaks up with you and it’s over, well then, you had an immature girl. Many of you guys just want to have substitutes for prostitutes. That’s a nice ring to it, substitutes for prostitutes. You basically want to learn how to fuck a girl and have easy sex for the rest of your life. That to a lot of guys in their 20s is what marriage is: free sex, guaranteed.
If that’s what you want, you’re better off making some money like in Wall Street. Make some money so you don’t have to be fucking stuck in a contract that is only a loss for a man if he’s just in it for sex. Or if he wanted it to be more than sex, if you wanted to actually have the commitment and emotions, then you got to choose the right partner to get into. It’s like a business. You don’t just willy-nilly choose the hottest partner. You have to choose a partner who is mature enough.
That’s about it. Iron Nick, make sure you join the private Facebook group. For the rest of you guys, Iron Nick, hopefully this sunk in. You’ve asked multiple questions. Each time you ask a new question, I feel like you didn’t get the earlier answers. In a way, I feel hopeless. I get frustrated. I don’t know. Teach me how to teach you better. Also, I’m trying to screen out a lot of the guys. A lot of the world is not my audience. A lot of the world, short attention span. Fuck man, we were at Tony Robbins, right? 14,000 people. Every 5 fucking seconds it felt like people had to stand up and shout because their attention span is so bad.
I don’t know. Here’s another guy, I think it’s very helpful for all of you guys watching this channel, Jordan Peterson. Go look him up. Hundreds of thousands of views on a 3-hour university lecture. That guy gives me hope for the world, that there’s enough intelligent people in the world, and that they’re out there. That’s a nice thing to see. But I know if you got to pander to the masses, you got to dumb your shit down, you got to condense it to little bite-sized bullshit. Fuck that. I’m not doing that shit.
Anyway, I’m getting my nice little avocado drink. The cool thing about America is that there’s a lot more health consciousness around here. So even the street side vendor, he’s got protein powder with bubble tea. When I first had bubble tea when I was a teenager, as an Asian-Canadian-American, my dream was, “Why can’t they combine the best of all these drinks? A smoothie with bubble tea.” That’s the easiest fucking thing. 5 years ago, they started doing that, but they should’ve been doing that 15 years ago.
And now they threw in some protein for guys like me who are trying to build muscles along the way. Anyway, god bless America. I’m out. I’m going to get some drinks and some food. Thanks for watching this. Thanks for having the attention span to stick with this. I appreciate you so much if you’re still watching this. Join the private Facebook group. I would like to hear from you. You are one of the few who made it to the end. I will see you inside the private Facebook group. Also, I’m keeping this video going on longer. I’m going to test you to see whether you’ll continue to watch this. If you don’t, if you want to cut out the first 5 minutes, we don’t want you in the group. Please don’t join, then we’ll just have to block you later anyway.
Just save us the trouble. If you’re still watching this, then you are special. I would like to see you in the group. You are one of my guys. I’m with you, man. So, see you inside the group. Join your Man Up brothers, some very mature guys in there who give out great advice. It’s been great, because as we grow bigger, there’s less work involved for me because there are so many more senior guys in there who are giving out good advice. I’ll see you inside the private Man Up Facebook group. I will endeavor to post more. We’ve been doing a ton of travelling. You can see I’m now in America, and we were in Vienna and Geneva before this. Super busy. Couldn’t do any videos. We’ll be heading back through that way on the way back to Asia, so hopefully we’ll be shooting some more there. Anyway, see you inside the private Man Up Facebook group. David Tian, signing out. Man Up!