Man Up | Ep. 113 • June 03, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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What if Girls Think You Look Too Young?
David Tian: Boom! Stop. In Episode 113, I answer the question of: What if girls think you look too young?
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hey! I’m David Tian, Ph. D, and for the past ten years, I’ve been helping tens of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success in life and love. And welcome to Episode 113 of Man Up! And here I am in the private villa. I’m a little lazy to show you the villa, but there it is. There’s the pool. Actually, alright, we’ll do this… And in case you haven’t seen the previous episode – I just love this valley view of Campuhan. And here we are in Bali. This is Ubud. There’s like no development on the other side. It’s incredible. And there’s white water rapids down there. Anyway, go this way as well… Pretty amazing.
Okay, so I was originally here for a wedding a couple of days ago, and now chilling out by the pool in a private villa. Okay, answering a question… Hopefully this will be a quickie. Also from Thomas, Thomas from the last episode gets to ask another question, rewarding you for asking questions by answering them for you. And this is a pretty quick one.
Thomas says, “I know that I should not impress girls, but what should I do when girls underestimate me? For example, I am 29 but I look very young, like 21 for example, and everybody is telling me this. So, when I approach a 25 year old girl, her first impression might be that I’m too young for her and this could lead her to reject me; when it’s a cold approach on the street for example. So, how can I communicate that I’m a really cool guy who has accomplished a lot of things in his life without qualifying myself, and how can I communicate this right in the first few minutes when I meet a girl?” When a girl asks me, what do I tell her? That I have a weight loss program for women and show her my Instagram page? Is this also not a good idea?” Yeah.
So, you start off by saying, “I know that I should not impress girls”, but then you ended by saying, “What are some ways that I can impress girls?” So, you have a weight loss program for women in your Instagram page as a way of showing off. A lot of other guys have their cars, a lot of other guys use bottles and tables at the club, a lot of guys use their watches, expensive stuff, status stuff, to impress girls. You’re trying to do the same thing, so you’ve basically just gone back on what you said.
So, yeah, you should not be trying to impress them. But maybe some quick pointers, man. I just tapped on your profile pic. Let me do that again just to double check. You don’t look 29 to me at all. I mean, you are fitness, you are pretty buff, and you’ve got that kind of fitness vibe going on. I’m not sure what country you’re in, America? But I was just in Australia a couple of weeks ago. There are a lot of Aussies who are into that… What’s that guy that died from steroids or something? Zif or zig or zis? I think zis? There’s like this whole sort of extreme kind of metrosexual thing happening still in Australia and you kind of have that thing going on. I would class it up.
So right now, your second profile pic has you with a bat… You’re 29 years old, but you have a baseball cap on backwards and sweats, like baggy sweats in a baggy t-shirt with words on it, and it looks like baggy pants. And just in terms of just doing the fitness look, you’re hiding your muscles that are more visible on the first picture. It’s kind of gay, I’m like looking at you. Totally heterosexual, man, assessing your fashion here. But if you dressed older, like you’ve dressed more maturely, people would assume you’re more mature.
I’ll give an example. When I want to get a first-class upgrade… So, I live in hotels and on airplanes a lot, mostly flying business class and five star, and one thing I’ve noticed to get a lot of free stuff, I get to dress like, “I won’t embarrass them if that person upgrades me.” So, she’s not going to upgrade you if you’ve got the backward baseball cap and the sweats on because people are going to be like, “What’s this guy doing here?” But if you look like you belong… And yes, it’s superficial, yes, but you’ve got to understand perception. This is where marketing is really important. You can stick to your principles but then don’t complain when people don’t treat you according to their perceptions.
If you’re going to stick with your principles of, “I want to wear sweats in shit. I want to dress like an Eminem look”, then don’t be surprised when people treat you like a gangbanging kid, right? If you wanted more respect in the world, then you’ll have to go to the world standards, the current standards. And until those standards change, it’s dressing up. So, I have friends who are 21 years old at Ivy League schools, at Oxford, at Cambridge, who when I meet them, in Singa-fucking-pore, Singapore, where it’s like 32 celsius as the average, they wear suits. They’ll have their tailored suits, or the Tom Ford suits or their… they like the Savile Row. I mean, the UK people, like the upper class, they like to dress like daddy I think. So, they got that thing going and I totally respect that.
I ended up buying some custom shoes in Savile Row that cost a bomb, but I wear them like seven days a week and jumping around in them, like literally jumping around in them. They are so comfortable. So anyway, my point is, is dress up. If you want respect from men, get a fancy watch. That’s how you get men to open to you. Women don’t really give a shit except for the gold diggers. But dress up, man. You look like a kid. You look like you’re 19 here. I wouldn’t even say 21. You look like you’re 19. You just look like a big 19 year old. But I would just dress more adult, like Wall Street, if you want. Depends on the city you’re in.
If you’re in a major metropolitan area like New York, LA, Chicago, wear a suit if you want respect, if you want people to think you’re older. I know a lot of guys… You’re not going to go from sweatsuit to suit, so that’s not… Wear a jacket. Wear a cool sports jacket. Learn fashion. One of my assistants have been bugging me for two years to create a fashion book. I cover these thoroughly in a four-hour fashion class in Limitless, and then we had an additional two-hour advanced fashion class. And on top of all that, I brought in a top personal stylist in Singapore, in the country… Actually, I would say one of the top in Southeast Asia, award-winning, to give our private clients all makeovers. And then it was basically a lifetime follow-up package.
Amazing. She gave me a lot of help, too. So, I would recommend that you get some personal styling help with the goal, the objective of looking more mature. Another thing is the way you speak. I’m not sure how you speak, but the way you write is kind of young. So, you’re making a lot of grammatical errors, stylistically. And I think maybe among the people you hang out with, you’re just average or maybe you fit in, but you’re not going to be mistaken… Just by the way you write, you could speak very differently, but by the way you write, you wouldn’t be mistaken for a professor of English Literature or something like that.
So, if you want to sound more intelligent, you got to sound more intelligent. The more intelligent you sound, the more mature you sound. So, all of these things come together. By the way, she’s picking up all of these not through conscious calculation but through unconscious, immediate, automatic, intuitive judgments about you. So, this is your eye contact, your tonality, the words you use, the vocabulary you use, the way you use them, the sound of your, the way you dress, how you hold yourself; whether your chin is up, whether your back, whether you’ve got great body language. In Invincible and Limitless, I cover this in a lot of detail, the way you ought to stand and move, to display status and maturity.
So, I can take a 19 year old and he’d come off like a cultured 28 year old if we needed him to be or if he wanted to be. So, that part is not hard. That’s why I knew it would be a manageable video. And the worse thing you can do is start talking about stuff to impress a girl. Like, you can impress a girl by the way you dress and hold yourself because you should be dressing and holding yourself that way even when there aren’t girls that you’re hitting on right then and there, right? So, it should become a more natural part of you. And hopefully, you’ll be wearing those clothes enough that you’ll feel comfortable in them and you’ll be carrying, conducting yourself, with the vocabulary of an educated person such that it’s a natural part of the way you speak in your mind.
So, you’re not trying to be somebody else. That’s actually the worst. So, if you are just more of a hip-hop guy, like a rapper, don’t go off trying to sound like you’re a Harvard professor. That’s just not even going to work. It’s better to be true and authentic to who you are. But yes, you’re going to sound younger and that’s a tradeoff. There’s decisions that you need to understand you’re making in terms of your identity. But if you want people to think you’re older, dress older, look older, carry yourself more maturely. Asian guys can try to grow some facial hair.
I’m almost 40, but I have my haircut pretty young. I’m purposely trying to look younger and I feel young, so it’s all congruent. You’re doing the opposite. So, you might want to have a more conservative haircut than the one you have right now and you want to dress more upscale than you are right now. And your use of language, if you want to seem more mature, should also mature up. So, speak like you’re the New York Times if you want people to think you’re older than the way you’re speaking now or writing now.
Okay, that’s pretty straightforward. You ended with, “Should I tell them about my weight loss program in my Instagram page?” Only if it makes sense in the context of the conversation. Don’t try to DHV. Don’t try to actively try to demonstrate value. Because as soon as you do that, in the moment, actively trying to demonstrate value, it’s already game over, you already fucked up. Don’t try. Don’t try to impress her. Just be. And then if it didn’t work, if you weren’t impressive enough, work on being more impressive to yourself. That’s the key. Stop trying to do it in the moment. Even if by chance it works, because I used to make it work by chance, it still fucks up your inner game.
If you have to talk yourself up, beyond just stating facts. But if you have to look for an opportunity to mention your weight loss program and look for an opportunity to show her your Instagram, in the back of your mind, you’re already eroding your self-confidence and your self-esteem. I mean, if it comes up naturally because there’s a photo you want to show her, open up your Instagram. If it comes up naturally that you’re a fitness trainer, you work on weight loss programs for women, just mention it. Naturally, organically, but don’t try to impress her with it.
Okay, those are my parting words. Thomas, thank you for the question. Alright, see you guys. Join the private Facebook group. I’ve been forgetting to say that. Join the private Facebook group. I will see you in there. That’s where you can ask questions, and sometimes I answer them right in the comments, and other times I’ll make an episode like this. Alright, I’m loving it here. Hoping you love it wherever you are. Until next time, Man Up![MUSIC]