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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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Are You Too Intellectual To Attract Women?
David Tian Ph.D. explains the problem with intellectual men.
David Tian Ph.D. tells us why we lose our spontaneity.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. discusses why we need to find our authentic selves.
David Tian: Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD. And in this video, I answer the question: Are you too intellectual to attract women? Welcome to Man Up Episode 166.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, PhD., and this is Man Up!
Hey, it’s David Tian, PhD, and for over the past 10 years, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, and happiness, and love and fulfillment in life. I’m getting through that introduction pretty quick now. We are in Ubud still, in Bali, the beautiful Ritz-Carlton and we’re going to be having dinner down there.
I thought this would be a great place to shoot. They have their own rice fields here, and then there’s some rapids down there. I’m thinking I might even shoot a second one just so you get the rapids in the background but the restaurants down there… And then we’re at the pool bar here, this is behind us.
And I’ve got a question here from Josei. Josei asks, “I remember back in the days before gaming, I would attract the attention of women, but I remember that I would get into deep logical conversations with them, and many times they would listen but after a short while would excuse themselves and walk away even with intellectual girls. Now, it seems even with the smartest girl, if I had a dumb or illogical conversation with them, they don’t want you to stop talking. Hell, they stay there for more. Funny how game shows you the reality of a woman’s nature.”
And then much of the guys in the comments said, “Yeah, I guess these dumb illogical conversations are what they want.” There’s basically crazy shit, dumb illogical shit. The reason I chose this particular question was because the ending was, “How funny how game shows you the reality of a woman’s nature.”
So Josei, you’re quite right. I’ll give you an example from my own coaching experience. We had a client who was a lawyer, a very prominent and very intellectual type of guy and a prominent lawyer. He went out clubbing and he was at a table with a bunch of Miss Universes. One of them was in banking apparently for her day job and he said, “I thought she was this really smart girl, but then I sat down next to her and I was talking about finance and banking and whatever else around that area, and she just sort of like “Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh” and then moved to the next table or something like that.”
He basically said she turned her back on him. And he was like, “Man, you think they’re so smart but they’re not.” I just wanted to point out to him the context of this conversation he had.
Whether she is smart or not, I can’t really say just based on that conversation. But the fact is, they were in a bar at 11:30 PM or close to midnight. Dude, nobody wants to talk about that shit at midnight. One of the biggest problems intellectual men have with attraction, is that the reason that where they feel more comfortable is in their own heads. Because for whatever neurotic reasons as a child, you felt most comfortable and most secure when you’re in your room reading books like me.
Right, so I know this very well. And that’s your zone, man. That’s your space; that’s where you feel comfortable. And then at midnight, at 1am, when you’re at a bar, that’s where you want to go because that’s only zone in which you feel comfortable. So then you look down on this shit you said. “Okay, to have fun, I’ve got to be dumb, illogical, and brain dead bimbo, right?”
I took that view at the beginning as well. Kind of looked down on it and did it as a tool, or mechanism, or technique to get attraction, but it’s never going to last that way because you’re not really in it for fun. Now, the people who can sustain it, who are naturally attractive in these settings, they can be very intelligent and intellectual during the day. But when they go out at night, they want to let their hair down, they want to be in the moment and be spontaneous.
This is the biggest problem of intellectual guys, or guys who think they’re intelligent, is that they have a lot of trouble being spontaneous, in the flow, in the moment, and not in their heads all the time. Most people haven’t been forced as children to find intellectual stuff, like burying their nose in a book as their comfort zone. Most people were just being silly and fun.
And hey, intellectual intelligent guys, let me tell you. When you were a child, when you were 3 or 4 years old, that was your sweet spot too, man. You were spontaneous, silly, you were having fun. It was before all of the other shit in the world: the society, your parents, your school system. Your peers told you that you were an intellectual, that you had to make that your thing.
That was your identity. Before of all those layers of societal programming came in, you as a little child, you had silly fun as well. That was there in the beginning. And we are most like our true, authentic selves in a few different settings: when we’re crying a sincere, authentic cry, or when we’re sincerely, authentically laughing and being silly, and un-self-conscious.
This is a whole theme in deep Eastern Asian philosophy: un-self-conscious living. And intellectuals unfortunately, not only is there this intellectual snobbery, which shouldn’t be there, but there’s also a lack of spontaneity and being in touch with your authentic selves.
You have these layers. I would know. This is the context I grew up in. You develop these layers to protect yourself from having to go out there and make a fool of yourself and being silly. Attractiveness really, naturally comes from when you’re spontaneous, you’re truly yourself, your authentic self, your true self. That can only come when you’re being spontaneous. So instead of looking down on having silly fun, look at it as a skillset that the intellectual guy should see it as a challenge to recover his natural self; his authentic, spontaneous, un-self-conscious Flow, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi Flow self.
Look at it as a challenge to access that. Only the guys in my programs like Invincible and Limitless would know what I’m talking about when it comes to Flow in 10 Weeks to Freedom. So, if you want me to go into more detail on that, I have hours-long courses on Flow, the psychology of optimal experience, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, and that whole industry on peak performance.
But that’s part of it, that’s part of accessing that spontaneity of un-self-consciousness. Being silly is part of that. It’s a real joy to access that. There’s a joy in intellectual endeavor, but there’s also joy in letting your hair down and relaxing and being un-self-conscious. Not filtering but just being more authentic.
There you go. I just wanted to put that as a new perspective for guys who consider themselves intellectual and think that they have to dumb themselves down to become bimbos to interact with girls in bars and clubs.
So this is David Tian signing out from this beautiful spot in Ubud. This is Episode 166, I forgot to mention that. Goodbye on Episode 166. David Tian signing out, Man up!