Man Up | Ep. 150 • October 21, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD. And in this video, I answer the question: How not to be intimidated by beautiful women. Welcome to Man Up Episode 150.
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, PhD, and this is Man Up!
Hey! It’s David Tian, PhD. And for over the past ten years, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness and fulfillment in life and love. And I’m here back in Singapore, answering a question – this is Episode 150. Congratulations to us, and to me, and for you watching this show, sticking in with us for 150 episodes. Pretty amazing, and there’s a really good community in the Facebook group, so join the private Facebook group.
Speaking of, answering a question from the private Facebook group for this episode. And this one comes from Sean, and this is in response to one of the live shows I just did. By the way, in the private Facebook group, I am doing live shows. And as of today, today is October 19th, there’ll be one tomorrow, live. And then next week, there’ll be a couple more. And maybe I’ll keep doing them if there are enough people on the call who are interacting with me and engaging. So, get in the private Facebook group – you can interact with me live. I mean, you can ask your questions and get your questions answered live. So, that’s pretty cool, right?
So, got a question here from Sean: “How should you win the inner game when you’re talking to girls that you see as attractive? A lot of guys, including myself, have no problem talking to and attracting girls that we see as normal, but once the girl is attractive we become weird and needy to them. In addition to the fact that attractive girls are more selective in general, it usually results in me put into “Do Not Date” list almost right away.”
Okay, Sean, so you get your question answered for Episode 150. And by the way, this is our new office. I had to put the shades now because the sun’s coming right in. So, unfortunately you can’t see the view but it’s pretty nice. It’s good to be back here. So, answering that question. What happens when you’re very intimidated by attractive women or beautiful women, and you start to get tongue-tied or you get intimidated? This is the case where you are naturally social or you have no problems talking to people who are not intimidatingly attractive. But once your physical attraction for this person kicks in, then these guys – like Sean – lose their minds.
So, how do you deal with it? And he called it ‘inner game’, so it’s more of like the mindset. So, how do you get used to beauty so that beauty doesn’t throw you off? Well, it’s actually quite straightforward. And take the case of a starving kid in some war-torn country. Let’s say he’s never known abundance of food, and you give him really good food. He’s going to lose his mind over it. He starts tasting. He’s like, “Oh my god, this is amazing.” And he’ll do a lot for that food.
An example could be when you’re starving and you smell food. You just sort of lose your mind over it, right? Because you don’t have it right then. And that’s the situation with Sean that he’s describing. When you are not used to having beauty in your life, you’re not used to seeing it, you’re not used to being around it – then when you’re exposed to an instance of it, it’s so rare in your life that you’re like a starving man in the desert – or a dehydrated man in the desert who sees water, and you just start salivating at the thought of drinking.
And that’s sort of where they’re at, and that’s the old scarcity problem. So, how do you deal with this? Well, ideally, you’ll get over it if it’s just a natural part of your life. So, if you’re surrounded by beauty, and one way some of my friends back in the day – or even now, who started out as socially awkward guys – started like a modelling agency. That’s one way to do it. If you actually invest some money and you start a modelling agency, you’ll be surrounded by models and you get used to being around beauty.
Another is guys who are socially awkward but they get into photography, and they end up becoming fashion photographers or photographers that shoot models, and they’re around models all the time. Another is you get into the promoting, or you start working in a club. And because you work in the club, you’re in the staff, you usually have preferential – or access to the tables or the areas where there are physically attractive women.
Or maybe you start out as a bouncer at the club and the girls curry favor with you so they can get in for free; things like that. And what happens is, you start to get used to seeing beauty. Now, if you’re the average guy in the world, you’re not going to be very used to seeing beauty, and this is all relative. So, if she’s in the top one percent of beauty – and that’s very relative too, how do you judge that? But if you take a consensus view, or you take a group poll – so whoever other people think is beautiful, whatever, she’s at the top one percent. And if you’re the average guy, you’re the middle 50 percent.
So, how do you get, as a middle 50 percent guy, get used to seeing and being around one percent beauty women if it’s not part of your job; or if you didn’t win the lottery, so to speak, or the genetic lottery, and have powerful, rich parents or brothers, or something like that? Or before the guys who have an abundance mindset, what were they like before? How did they get into that position where you’re used to being around beauty? It’s a catch-22, right?
So, here’s how you can do it. Here’s how you can do it while you’re changing your lifestyle, so that you are around beauty. Because if that’s one of the things you’re looking for in a partner, physical attractiveness – and it should be something, you don’t want to be in a situation where you’re not that turned on by your wife, and you’re just sort of with her for other… I understand the, “Don’t be superficial” thing, but I think everybody wants to be desired physically as well by their partner, right?
So ideally, you’re actually physically attracted to this woman. Now, the easiest way to get around women that you find physically attractive is to be surrounded by many options. And you should change your lifestyle to get to that position. So, I covered this in my course Limitless. I also covered it in a live event here in Singapore called Lifestyle Mastery, which at some point we release as a product or a program.
Anyway, there’s an easy way to get to that as training wheels while you’re working on developing that lifestyle where you have an abundance of beauty in your life. And so, there are many other lifestyles or career positions besides modelling, and photography, and clubs and bars that I’d just mentioned. That will get you around beauty, but I’m not going to get into that here because it’s not generally going to be easy for the average guy to do that, unless he’s going to make some lifestyle changes.
But here’s an option that everybody – every guy – should be doing if he’s intimidated by beauty: which is, you simply expose yourself to more beauty in your life. So, the wonderful thing about beauty is, it’s just through your eyes. So, it’s unlike food or water where you actually have to ingest it to satiate that. When it comes to beauty, you simply have to look at it.
And now, with VR, you know. So, basically, what every guy should be doing is get a vision board, or use your phone, and download photos of women that you find attractive. And this is a really simple hack – just look at that photo album of 20, 30 photos, or whatever. Actually, if it’s just all women, you probably don’t need more than 20. Maybe 10, start off with 10.
And in fact, if you want to just skip into a more evolved state, find images of a man that looks the way you want to look, maybe dresses the way you want to dress, standing the way you want to stand and so on, and he’s with a woman that you want to be with and they’re interacting in a loving way. Or like couple photos, and sort of like a snapshot of the ideal relationship that you would like to have.
And then you get used to seeing this and your brain starts to get – you’re training your brain to expect this in your life. And then it will actually draw out for you instances of this in your day-to-day life, actually. In addition to giving you an abundance mindset, like tricking your brain as if you’re living a lifestyle that is surrounded by abundance simply because you’re looking at these images on your computer, or you open your closet door and you have them there, or… It’s not as good on the phone, but if you look at it close up, it looks better – it can have the same effect.
And the thing is, the phone is more convenient, so you might forget to do that until you’re commuting, and you can just like – unless you’re driving, don’t look at your phone when you’re driving. So then you can just train yourself to do that and look at it twice a day. And over time, over a month or two months, you’ll start to get used to seeing beauty, and your standards of beauty will go higher. And you’re not going to lose it this much because you see it every day. And another thing to do is, you can get magazines – not pornographic magazines – but magazines of women that you find beautiful, and in situations where you would normally see them or meet them.
So for instance, if you usually see these beautiful girls that intimidate you when you go to the club, get some images of girls in club gear that intimidate you. Just keep looking at it. Just the mere exposure – it’s just through desensitization through exposure, and you would just start to get used to it and it won’t throw you off as much because you’re training yourself to be used to it. That’s a simple hack. It’s really simple.
In addition to still images, now it’s pretty easy to download a video on your phone – and don’t make it too long, because it’s going to take too long for you to get through them all. But 10 second or 15 second, sort of the old Instagram videos, those will work as well. And you just kind of flip through those and get used to it, and you start to just desensitize yourself to this stimuli that was previously throwing you off because it was too intimidating. Now, you’re used to seeing it all the time; it’s not a big deal.
And in fact, the video will be even more effective in this way, of just getting you used to it; desensitized to that. If you have VR – I’ve never actually tried VR yet, but the more realistic that image is and the more real life it is, the more, in fact, real life it is. So, it’ll be almost like the effect of you’re hanging out in a model shoot every day or something like that, and you just start to get really used to seeing beautiful women. And then the superficiality of the physical beauty becomes less important to you because you see that, it’s so common.
One of the things about Instagram – when I first made an Instagram account – I noticed there are a ton of beautiful women in all different kinds of countries, and they are very easily accessible through Instagram. And it’s a great way of just reminding yourself of the abundance of physical beauty. And in fact, every year, there are more beautiful women entering the market and that should just remind you of all of the abundance.
If it’s just physical beauty that is intimidating to you, it’s very easy to get over just through technology. And the more you can simulate the real life situations that intimidate you, and you can re-expose yourself to those on a daily, or twice daily, or three times daily habit, the quicker you will be getting over that; the quicker you will desensitize yourself to that intimidating stimuli. It’s just like fear, it’s just like anything else you want to get over. The more you practice with it, the more you exposure yourself to it, you can see it and it becomes normal to you, the less it will affect you.
Also, one thing I had mentioned earlier is that if you’re looking at couple photos or women in certain settings – like, let’s say you want to find an intelligent woman, and maybe you’re looking at photos of women who look intelligent. I don’t know, whatever that means to you. You’ll start to spot that throughout the day. So, it’s one of those things that’s like the reticular activation system. I first heard from about this way back from Tony Robbins, but it’s just based on science.
And basically what happens is, when you start looking to buy a car in that particular make and model, it’s the first time let’s say that you thought about getting that particular make and model – you’ll notice that wherever you go, as you walk about your day, you’ll start to notice that make and model a lot more than you did before. And it’s not because suddenly there are all these cars coming at you that weren’t there before, it’s that you’re noticing them.
So, what’ll happen is once you start to train your mind to see a certain thing – maybe it’s a couple in a loving embrace or something like that, you’ll start to spot that more. Like in terms of body language cues, tonality and the things that you want more of in your life. The more your brain is used to seeing it and the more you prime – actually, Google the word ‘priming’. The more you prime yourself to see those things, the more your brain will be attuned to spot them in the world as you go about your day. And it’ll actually make you more aware of where they are in your life.
And if you want to find more in abundance, you’ll see more of it, you’ll start to spot more of it in the world around you. And it’ll be easier for you to go to those places; you’ll just see more. And that’s just also a great side benefit. So, I’m going to end there, trying to keep this video short. So, this is Episode 150. Join the private Facebook group. I’ve been doing live shows right now, and if you join the group you can get on the live show and ask me your questions directly.
And I look forward to seeing you on the live show. To get on the live show, you got to join the private Facebook group. So, join the private Facebook group. There’s a really good community inside there right now, and I’ll see you inside the private Facebook group. To summarize, I got to do a take away, to summarize: How do you get over being intimidated by beautiful women – or physically beautiful women? You can use a vision board. You just start to see it more, either through images on your phone, or you can print it out and make it big. But you just got to see it more, two/three times a day, and get used to seeing that so it doesn’t bother you so much; it doesn’t throw you off when you encounter it in real life.
Videos are better than still images for this, and the more you train your brain to see that stimuli, the less it will throw you off. So, there you go. I’ll see you inside the private Facebook group. Until then, Man Up!