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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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When Should I Confess To My Crush?
In episode 54 of Man Up, I answer the question of: When should I confess to my crush?
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up.
Hey, welcome. This is David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up, episode 54. I am in Shanghai at the Conference Hotel. We got the Mastermind Summit coming up this weekend. I’m here about a full week early. The team is flying in, actually, starting tonight. Some of them came in yesterday. So, good stuff. We’re going to shoot some more footage, hopefully. And I wanted to show you – I wanted to shoot this before the sunset. Because this is what I’ve been looking at after work. Let me show you some of this. So there you go. I don’t know if you can see that down there but there you go.
Down there is the Shanghai Museum. The Urban Planning Museum, People’s Square and a lot of tall buildings. Shanghai is beautiful around this time of day. You can see the sunset. The sun was real strong just a little while ago but there it is. For those who like to see a bit of travel. And it’s not too polluted.
I was reading the PSI, it was like two days ago, was really high. Like 280 or something. I didn’t notice it. I was outside for a little bit, didn’t really notice it. It was even worse when I was in Singapore, not too long ago, because the stuff kept flowing in from Indonesia. So being here, in Shanghai, wasn’t so bad. But the past few days, the skies have been really clear. Nice, blue skies and nice gusts of wind, so no complaints on that end.
So let’s dive into the question. I got a question here from the Facebook group. One thing is that it’s a lot drier out here than I’m used to in the tropics. Okay. So I want to get to this because this is a few weeks old already. And it’s a very simple question from a guy named Hung or Go, which is: When should I confess to my crush? I get this question a lot. Guys are asking – using those words, confess and crush. And that sounds funny when you just say it like that.
So I just want to address this. He kind of got panned by the guys in the group but I understand where he’s coming from.
Because there are a lot of nice guys who don’t have the courage and have never been trained – it’s not just a matter of courage but it is partly that – but they’ve never been trained in how to socialize and how to compliment effectively and how to screen and qualify – one of the most basic conversational techniques.
Not just in dating but with men-to-men people, just like talking to people, how to gain rapport. They don’t know how to do that. They never learn these things. Because in school in Asia, you’re treated like a robot – and you’re going to be obsolete after AI – but anyway, you’re treated like a robot.
You’re taught how to do computations and you’re not taught about psychology or emotions or how to relate to people. So I get it. You have harbored this attraction and affection and desire for this girl and you want to now confess it.
So here’s the deal. If you ever find yourself in a position where you’re asking yourself: When should I confess my crush? Once you think of it as a confession, you’re already screwed. It’s over. Because that would mean that she’s not showing you signs of attraction, because if she were, you wouldn’t have to confess.
When you say confess it’s something like confess a crime or when you’re in a Catholic church and you’re doing the confessionals. You’re in a confessional, confessing your sins. It sounds like it’s something bad. You’re not saying: When should I express my intentions towards her? Because that’s a much more direct thing, that’s an active thing, that means that you have intentions. You intended something – and as a masculine man you move forward with it.
No, instead, these guys are using the term “confess”. I understand where that’s coming from because partly – and here’s the psychology of it, women, so you understand why guys are doing this to you. They want to get it off their chest. It’s been weighing on them and they can’t get it out of their minds.
They think that if they just get it off their chest, they confess to you, maybe you’ll be like Mother Teresa or like the Madonna and you’ll have pity on them and have sex with them and fall in love with them – because they confessed. But as you know – now I’m talking to the boys again – boys, don’t do that. Because if you find yourself in a position where you’re asking yourself this, “When should I confess to my crush?” Nothing good will come of it. It’ll just be really awkward.
There’s an exception. Like before, in a very conservative society, I would say 1950s or earlier. Or if you happen to live in a village – I don’t think he does. I think he’s in Singapore. But if you’re in a very rural village where they don’t have access to the internet and can’t watch YouTube or pop culture, then maybe she’s still waiting – maybe in that society, that’s like primitive societies or something – maybe they don’t know how to communicate about their attraction.
But I don’t think that’s the case. So, straight up, we’re in the modern world and you got to learn how to interact with people. So you should never be in the position of trying to confess to your crush.
Second thing is, a crush – so usually, when I guy likes a girl, when a girl likes a guy, they use a different language. And language is really, really important. A lot of people, especially in Singapore, I would say, don’t respect language, just because the sloppiness around language usage.
But language, it tells a lot about your psychology, your thoughts and your mindset. So a crush is different from just liking a girl. You use the word “crush” to describe somebody that you secretly like. So in other words, you didn’t have the balls or you didn’t have the skills to let that be known in subtle ways or direct ways. You just didn’t let it be known. You didn’t let it be known, at all.
So she’s a crush – if you like a girl and you tell her, it’s not a crush anymore. Depending on how you use the word, it could be that way. But that phrase, “confess to my crush”, I’ve heard it – you know, I’ve been doing this for a living ten years now, tens of thousands of guys on the internet that I’ve been helping. I know what that means, “confess to my crush”. You haven’t told her anything.
You haven’t let it be known, at all. She has no clue, really. Except all girls sort of do, on their radar, but the more you’re thinking “crush” – “I’m not going to tell. I’m not going to tell her.” – the more she is thinking, unconsciously, “What a wimp.” “What a pussy.” And maybe you’re a nice guy so she’s going to keep you around as a friend, and she just hopes to God that you don’t do something stupid like confessing to her, because then it’s going to be really awkward.
So, what’s the solution for Go? What should Go go and do? He should educate himself or get educated – I mean, I’ve created several free video courses that you can access through any of our main sites. You can go to the main site, auratransformation.org. Put your email in any of the web forms. I have a free video course on how to talk to anyone, how to talk to people, how to gain rapport.
I have another course on how to get a girlfriend, a step-by-step system on how to get a girlfriend. And I have another one on how to gain rapport, how to get people to like you quickly. And there’s a lot more, actually. So those are just three to suggest to you. But get educated and there’s a lot to learn for you. Never be in a position where you’re asking yourself should you confess to your crush because it’s already game over on that one.
I know what he’s going to do. Now he’s going to come back and say, “Is it lost? Is it over? Is there a way to get her?” Because guys never really listen to the advice, they’re obsessed about one girl. And that’s okay. So I’m going to answer that. It’s not over, just don’t confess.
If you confess to your crush, then it’s over. It’s not completely over because life is long and we live a long time. But it’s over for six months or more, until you guys somehow get over that awkwardness. If you don’t confess or even bide your time, improve your social skills, improve your self-awareness, improve your psychological understanding of human beings and what’s going on in here. We’re not robots but we have feelings and you have to understand feelings if you want to get people in your life and not just deal with computers.
So you’ve got to learn, educate yourself on the brain and understanding emotions. We used to think they were all on the heart but they’re all up here. It’s all mixed in here, in the brain. Understand the brain; understand your CPU, your OS. Understand your CPU and your OS better than the computer’s.
I don’t know if he’s a computer guy or an engineer or whatever, but I know a lot of guys who are in that position, so putting it out there. Have some respect for that, of psychology, and go and learn about that. So bide your time, get training, get education. Then you’ll know exactly how to escalate smoothly and communicate your interest and desire for her in a way that’s congruent and smooth and so on. That’s good and effective.
Okay, so, it’s David Tian, signing out. Thank you for watching Man Up. Now, make sure you join our private Facebook group. That’s where he posted his question. That’s where I find your question, I answer it. I even correspond with you in the comments, get further clarification. And sometimes if it’s a quick one, I can answer right in the comments. So I’m on there daily and our team is approving requests daily. So get on there. I’ll see you in the private Facebook group, until next time – man up.