Man Up | Ep. 40 • November 26, 2015
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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What To Do When A Woman Won’t Commit
In Man Up, episode 40, we’re going to talk about what to do when a woman won’t commit.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up.
Hey, man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D., and this is Man Up episode 40. In this one we’re going to be answering a question, we’ll be dealing with a question from a private Facebook message again. And again, guys, I want you to ask your questions in the secret Facebook group instead of private messaging me. I’m always going to prioritize the ones in the group. But this guy was quite persistent, had a good question so I’m going to address it here. But I prefer it in the group.
The private question was – I’m going to paraphrase it: He’s seeing a girl and she keeps saying she doesn’t want to commit to him. In the sense of like she doesn’t want to be girlfriend-boyfriend but she still wants to see him. And he finds himself falling for her, he says. And he’s just so confused. He sounds like a very good boy. Just based on the way he writes and the things he says. He lives in Singapore, I think, somewhere in a big Asian city.
I think it’s Singapore. So he’s a good boy, confused about why this girl doesn’t want to be the girlfriend but keep seeing him and have dates and they – I haven’t asked but I think they hook up. So they’ve had a relationship for months. And then he says that she tells other guys that she’s not serious to the other guys and they just bugger off. Basically, he’s saying, she will tell them she doesn’t want to see them. But for him, she keeps saying, “Hey, I want to meet for dinner,” and date type of stuff. But then she doesn’t want to commit to be the girlfriend. He’s all confused like, “I don’t understand what she wants.”
For a lot of guys, I think, once I describe that situation it will be quite familiar. But for this good boy, it’s not. It’s very bizarre. Because for this good boy, he thinks that if you’re dating then you should get married, basically. You should become girlfriend-boyfriend and then if you’re girlfriend-boyfriend for long enough, you should become husband and wife.
And then if you’re husband and wife for long enough, I’m assuming, he thinks you should have kids and so on. This is the age-old way of doing it. Age-old is not quite true for girlfriend-boyfriend, that’s pretty modern. But it’s what the government wants you to do, I guess. So he’s trying to be a good Singapore citizen and have babies with a wife, make an honest wife out of her.
The thing is, she’s modern. She is liberal. She is progressive. She is moved on in terms of her mores about dating and you haven’t. You’re still pining away for the old days and traditional ways. And you’ll have to find a traditional woman which are increasingly fewer. Any cool guy can tell you this is how the new dating relationships are.
There’s no reason to commit quite yet. She wants to play the field a bit or she doesn’t want to close down her options. And this is a normal – I’m not saying whether it’s good or bad, I’m just pointing out that this is what most people are doing these days. Because they don’t have to commit and they can still get these relationships and get the good things. At some point, she will – in order for her to commit, she needs to see that she will get more of what she wants out of committing than out of staying casual. Until that time comes, she’s going to stay casual.
Now, it’s up to you to stand up for yourself. In the sense of like, if this is not what you want, if you want a committed girlfriend-boyfriend relationship then you need to tell her that and then you need to stick by your guns and not let yourself get taken advantage of. So in a way, I’m giving you the advice I give to a lot of the girls.
Because girls ask me about – they basically have the trouble of trying to get guys to commit to them. Guys generally don’t have that as big of an issue probably because despite all of our modern advances, we still haven’t been able to pushback that biological clock. The biological clock on women, they still want to have babies and have them before it gets too risky. So there’s an end to their player days. But for guys, you can be a player all the way through.
Women are usually panicking in their 30s, trying to get a guy to settle down with them so they can have babies. And that’s their issue.
And you have a similar issue – not the babies part – but trying to get her to settle down. So you’ve got to stick by your guns. You’ve got to make that clear from the beginning. You have to decide for yourself how far in you’ll go before it’s too late. Before you go too far in, you need to decide that early before you get too emotionally invested and it gets too painful. It sounds like you’re already there.
So you need to decide within the month whether you’re going to keep going with it. And if you’re not, if you don’t want to – you put down your ultimatum, in a way, you make it known to her, the reasons and you give her a definite timeframe to decide, within 72 hours or whatever.
You decide all that and then you have to follow through. And don’t get suckered in to the, “Oh, I miss you. Let’s have another date.” And little bit by little bit she’s back in there. You’ve got to put your foot down and be firm and get on with your life. And pursue your purpose and not get sidetracked by women.
I know, something you probably weren’t expecting me to say. And then there’s always the caveat. Guys think because they have this huge lack in their life, which is women and relationships, and they think, “Oh, I’ll go work on myself. I’m going to make lots of money and get a great body,” whatever.
“And then the women will just magically fall in my lap.” No. That’s not how it works. But you need all of it. You need to do all of it at the same time. You need to do all of that at the same time. Yeah, life is hard. If you want to be happy, if you want to have success, you’ve got to work for it. And that means you do all of these things.
Go to the gym everyday, or whatever, a few times a week or whatever it is for you. Go to the gym, make some money and get better socially and with women. And what I mean is, when I say don’t give up your life for women, is don’t change all of your life plans for a woman especially if she hasn’t even committed to you yet.
Just a little harsh wake up advice, maybe it’s not so harsh, you probably knew this was coming. That’s my take on it, man. It’s funny because that’s usually what I say to my 30-something year old women friends who try to get their guy to settle down.
Now it’s really cold, my mouth is freezing up and my fingers are freezing. I’m holding this tripod thing and I am trying to stop from shaking. So that’ll be it for this week. I’ll see you in the next Man Up episode. To ask me your questions, go to the private Facebook group, click on the link, join and ask me your questions there. In the meantime, I’m going to warm up and man up.
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