Man Up | Ep. 141 • September 24, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
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David Tian: Boom! Stop. In Episode 141 of Man Up, I answer the question of: How do you steal a girl from your boyfriend?
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hey! This is David Tian, Ph.D. and for over the past ten years, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain happiness and fulfillment in life and love, through the application of ancient wisdom and cutting-edge research. And welcome to Episode 141 of Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m here in Beijing, and I have a question from the private Man Up Facebook group. This one comes from Dennis.
Dennis asks, “Two weeks ago, I was queuing at Starbucks and I saw this gorgeous girl standing there waiting for her coffee. We made eye contact and we laughed. I was thinking how to approach her, but I didn’t man up and she left. A week later, and I saw her and approached her using the dramatic direct opener. She told me things, but she also told me that she had a boyfriend. She then showed me a picture of her boyfriend, but that seemed a little weird to me since I didn’t request.”
Okay, as a side, the reason she’s showing him that is so that – she’s telling him, “This isn’t a bullshit reason or an excuse. I really do have a boyfriend.” “Then she told me we could be friends and asked for my friend, and we chatted a little. She was really nice to me. I haven’t seen her until today. I was sitting with a friend of mine, and then I sensed that someone was looking at me. I turned and it was her, and she quickly turned the other way. I don’t really know what this could mean. Some advice would be nice, thanks.”
Okay, Dennis. It’s pretty obvious, the answer to your question is she likes you. And a bunch of the other guys in the group also pointed that out. I pointed that out, so that’s not the reason why I’m making this video. That is pretty fucking obvious. You’re a beginner, so you don’t know this. You don’t understand psychology, but now you’re learning. That one’s pretty obvious.
The reason I’m making this video is because your question is a great opportunity to make a point, to teach a little bit, and to actually answer a question that you really ought to have asked. So, she showed you a picture of her boyfriend. Now imagine, you were the boyfriend. How would that make you feel that some guy approaches her with a direct opener, and she wants to know his name. What else did you say? She wanted to chat a little and she was really nice to you, and showed him your photo, and then proceeds to give him the eyes and everything and check him out.
How would that make you feel? So, a lot of the guys in the group, rightfully so, they pointed out, “Look, she’s got a boyfriend, so don’t pursue her.” And a lot of the other guys are like – actually, the point was that you were trying to make as well as they, wait until she breaks up with him and then pursue her. So, here’s the point I want to make. Her behavior should have turned you off. The fact that it didn’t is what worries me about society, it also shows me men around the world have a deep scarcity when it comes to sexuality and women.
Women don’t have this. Women band together and they gossip and brag about what kind of stuff they can get from men. Not just in terms of material goods, but time and effort, what kind of things they can make these guys do. And guys don’t have this. Guys will – and this is common counter to pop culture, guys will go against other guy’s backs and grab those girls. They will compete with each other. They don’t care if she has a boyfriend, and it’s not just for sex. I’ll address that, but even that’s questionable.
But to pursue a relationship, a potential relationship with a woman, with a girl who has a boyfriend at the time, that you’ve met and is flirting with you, should be seeing Medusa. It should be like at first, you think – okay, maybe she’s a sleeping beauty or whatever, Cinderella or some beautiful woman, and then she turns into a Medusa. You don’t see this, right? And I understand, because the first three, four years that I was ‘picking up’ chicks full-time, not like the rest of you guys, but I literally spent 40 to 60 hours meeting women, dating them and all this. I didn’t see it either, and it was almost like a point of pride I could take a girl from a guy, power, you know?
That was horrible, and that was horrible on me. It was a good learning experience because now I can teach it to you. So I just want to say, I understand where you’re coming from. It’s a bit of a power trip, but it’s also coming from scarcity. I don’t think in your case it’s a power trip. I think in your case it’s just scarcity. It’s just like you’re starving people out in the desert, and you see a donut, and you’re willing to kill your brother for the donut.
The donut, in this case, should be – at first, you see it looks really tasty, but then you see that there are maggots crawling all over it. Now, I’m not saying this girl’s maggots, because of what you said, it’s just mildly disturbing. But it’s already enough for you to say, “Okay.” Because once she gets in a relationship with you, it’s not going to change. It’s going to be the fucking same. She’s going to be at fucking Starbucks six months to 18 months into the relationship when the passion starts to die down, as it actually will unless you’re smart enough or educated in psychology – which no one is – in order to mitigate that.
But six to 18 months in, she’s at Starbucks. Guess what? Some other guy rocks up to her and does a dramatic direct opener. She shows him your photo and encourages him to continue talking. Same fucking thing is going to happen. So, this girl’s not yet – given that behavior, she’s not ready to have a relationship. She’s not mature enough. And you know, by that token, most people are not ready to be in a relationship. So, hook-up culture is perfect for them. Hook-up.
Now, here’s the thing with Dennis and this girl. If you just want to hook-up with her – because I hear guys like, “Okay, totally. I see the Medusa, but I’m going to pump and dump that shit”, right? “I’m just going to have sex with her and then we’re done.” It’s sort of like he thinks that he’s going to get all the pleasure from this deal, and then it’ll be over. But if she’s truly a Medusa, she’s not going to be hurt by that, first of all.
Women who are not ready for a relationship are not – they’re just faking that they want that emotional connection. So, you’re not actually doing anything bad to her. You’re actually giving her the narcissistic supply. You’re actually giving her the fuel for her fire, to become even more evil and do even more cheating, lying, manipulative things to other guys.
You’re empowering those pathological women. But it’s also harming you, okay? It’s sort of like saying, “I can stick my dick in acid and it won’t burn me.” What you spend time with will affect you. And unless it’s a pure pump and dump, which is you literally go into the room, fuck for half an hour and leave and never see her again, which I know is not the case for you guys in America, you’re going to spend three to four hours, to ten hours, on average, ten hours is more realistic, in contact time with her before you do the deed.
And most guys will then continue to do the deed. They might see her two, three, four more times. And as that relationship – the more contact hours… Every minute extra that you spend with her feeds her narcissism, feeds her power and empowerment, to do that to more of mankind, literally, mankind. And it also affects who you are. I know this sounds weird to you. Maybe you think you’re not affected by that, but when you’re spending time with another human being, they affect you.
And it also lowers your standards ethically, morally, character-wise. I’m just warning you, man. I pride myself on being scientific and a philosopher, but what I just said there sounds a little bit airy-fairy. But it’s the truth. And in fact, there’s scientific evidence for the peer group effect, the widowhood effect, the obesity epidemic. But even just entering the energies, combining energies with a woman will affect you. And if you just keep banging sluts, you’re going to get affected by that ethically, spiritually. Like, your energy level.
Now, take it for what you want. I’m just putting it out there. But what I will tell you is: you are feeding her narcissistic supply when you do that. You empower the beast. You make Medusa stronger. And she’s going to go out and do this to more guys. And the thing is, men around the world – there’s no solidarity among men. There’s solidarity among women. Women, especially attractive women, like to get together and have tea, and cocktails, and girl’s nights, and ladies’ nights, and gossip, and get really nasty when they talk.
You know, power to them. Let them do that shit. But men don’t do that anymore, because men around the world have been shamed out of that. Not that they should be doing it anyway, but what they should be doing is having a fucking ethical character and conscience to not compromise, to band together with their male friends and men around the world. If you see a guy who is a puppy dog, needy, validation-seeking, sorry state of affairs guy, and this girl’s just manipulative him, and she meanwhile wants to fuck you with the little guy off crying in the corner. You don’t go fuck that girl. Go bring that guy over and say, “Dude, this is what’s up. This girl’s a bitch. She’s hot, but she’s a bitch.”
And there’s a lot of them. Look, that one too, and that one too, that one too. And what you should do is buy the guy a beer and say, “Fuck you, bitch. You’re not worth more than a whore”, and go make another thousand bucks, or whatever country you are, to afford that shit so you don’t have to be begging for it and salivating over it like a starving man in the fucking desert over maggot-ridden donuts.. That’s what you are like.
That’s what most of the guys in the group and around the world, most of the guys I talk to – it’s like I’ve been feasting on a buffet every night, and then I talk to a guy who’s been in the fucking desert, and he’s fighting over and agonizing over a fucking maggot-ridden donut. Okay, that was a strong imagery, but it’s how I feel, it’s the truth.
Don’t get involved with that. And now that I’m saying it I’m like, “Man, it’s not going to matter. The guy’s still starving. He’s going to eat the fucking maggot-ridden donut and he’s going to fight the other starving guy for it.” So, the other thing too is, you don’t see the maggots because you haven’t had enough good food yet.
And there’s not a lot of good food out there. It’s hard to come by and it often is not – because it’s like inner beauty versus outer beauty. And sometimes, it comes together, but it’s much harder to have an eye for inner beauty, which is much more important and much rarer than it is to have an eye for outer beauty. And even most of these guys don’t even have an eye for outer beauty. Honestly, they’re just reacting to the evolutionary triggers of big tits, big ass, that kind of thing, but there’s no aesthetic to it.
But anyway, Dennis, it’s getting further than I wanted to go. I just wanted to point out the fact that she’s got a boyfriend but is pursuing you in her own way. This is how girls pursue, eye contact, a little coy, encouraging you to continue, asking your name, asking questions about you, while she’s got a boyfriend should be red flags all over, and it should just be, “Ugh.”
But you’re not. You’re not doing that. You’re hoping she will leave him so that you can have her. But as soon as you see that, it’s something you shouldn’t want to have. These are spoiled goods, man. But you know, I’ve been saying this to some guys, a bunch of my guy friends who end up fighting between each other over girls, and I know it’s going to fall in deaf ears for most guys…
But for you guys in a neutral position, where you remember something like this in your detached past, and the next time it happens maybe my voice will come up to you and will remind you, “Ugh, Medusa.” or “Ugh, maggots.” Hopefully, but I know it’s not going to matter in the moment, in the heat of the moment, in your starving desire for the maggot-ridden donut.
Okay, so that’s Episode 141. Join the private Facebook group. You can see more guys asking questions there. You can ask your question. There’s a good group of guys in there answering questions in the comments. And I’ll answer the questions in a video, if it can’t be answered in the comments. We approve join requests every day. So, go ahead and click that link below, join the private Facebook group, and I’ll see you inside the group.
Until then, Man Up!