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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
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How Should a Man Handle a Woman’s Fears?
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up.
Hey, welcome to episode 11. The previous question from episode 10 was so loaded, I figured – I mean, I didn’t get to answer all of the sub-questions in that question. So I’m going to take 11 to also address that question – a question within that question. So here’s the one I’m going to address: How does a real man handle the sexual history question with women? I’m talking real educated, sophisticated women, not club chicks.
It strikes me that these women want to know on some level that you’re not a douche bag/womanizer/just going to use them for sex. And here’s the specific questions he’s got in mind: How many women have you slept with? Do you typically sleep with women on the first date? – She asks.
This is the same guy from the previous question. So the background on that is that he is a good guy in the sense of he’s not looking to just date a lot of women. He’s not just looking to get notches on his belt. He says he’s looking to find his partner-in-crime. He’s not just looking to get laid.
He’s looking for a long term partner but he wants to be picky, he doesn’t want to just go with the first one he connects with. He wants to try out many different possible partners before picking the one that he’s going to invest in. So last episode, I talked about the first part of his question.
About how do you date multiple women without coming off like a douche bag and I said just be clear on your values and just be honest. In this one, it’s the second half of his question which is – or the other half of it – which is: How do you handle the sexual history questions?
That’s the background so you understand where he’s coming from. I’m going to answer the question from Michael: How many women have you slept with? Well I can’t answer that question for Michael, but I’m going to help him with answering this. Do you typically sleep with women on the first date? So he’s afraid of this because he’s afraid that if a woman finds out that he’s slept with many women that he’ll be perceived as a slut or a douche bag or a womanizer.
Let’s just dispel that myth. Real educated, sophisticated women, I’m assuming, are going to be intelligent. So if you’re an intelligent woman you will be a realist. A realist in life is somebody who understands science and understands what real people are about. I found that the idealist, like Michael here, aren’t really that intelligent because they haven’t actually learned the Kinsey Report, for instance.
They don’t actually know – they haven’t learned what the female brain is like or what female psychology is like. They’re still seeing women as sort of like – they have this Madonna-Whore Complex approaching this question. Women don’t want you to just have slept with any girl. So if you have low standards when it comes to who you sleep with, that’s going to look bad to anyone – even to women with low standards. That’s just not respectable because it’s like you didn’t respect yourself.
But if you have high standards for who you hook-up with, like relatively, but you just happen to have hooked up with many because there happen to have been many women that you met who met your standards. Let’s just assume that your standards aren’t really low, so you’re not just going to take any woman off the street.
You’ve dated because you’ve had an abundant dating life and like many men you need to have that physical connection with a woman in order to know whether there’s long term potential. If you can’t test the chemistry with a woman physically before you invest in her, you’re going to be at a major disadvantage in trying to tell whether you’re going to be successful in the long run. It’s just a normal thing.
Now if your religious views don’t allow you to have sex pre-marriage then that’s just one data point you’re going to have to give up in terms of choosing and investing in a partner. You’re just not going to know whether you have physical chemistry. But if you don’t have any religious beliefs that prevent you from doing that, then why wouldn’t you get that additional data point to decide whether this is a good investment.
This is one of the – if not the most – important investment you’re going to make in your life because you’re going to be with this partner for the rest of your life, hopefully. People don’t get married thinking, “Okay, we’re going to engage in a 10 year marriage.” You hope when we get married it’ll be for life. This is one of those life investments so it makes complete sense to take your time with it.
If you have had a good standard of the women that you’ve slept with and you just happen to have slept with many, then there’s no reason why you should hide it. Now you have to understand what flirting is. I think given your age you understand that if a woman asks you that before you’ve gotten to a certain level of connection, if it’s just in the first 10 minutes of meeting you; you have no obligation to reveal this private information.
It’s just like if a woman asks you what your social security number is, you shouldn’t reveal it. There’s no reason – you don’t owe her the how many women you’ve slept with if you’ve just literally met. But if it looks like she’s asking it because she’s nervous about what you’re going to do with her emotionally, then you’ve already messed up. Because you haven’t made it clear to her what type of man you are – that you’re a man right now who’s not going to dive right into a serious relationship.
And if you ever made that clear right away, either through the anecdotes you tell or through anecdotes of your own life talking about the other women that you’re seeing – we’re talking about your guy friends who see other women and you think that’s just normal. Those are indirect, very subtle ways of just showing her that you date multiple women and you think it’s a normal strategy – dating strategy. Because like we talked about earlier, you want to make a careful investment in your future life partner and it’s totally rational.
You’ll find when you take an attitude like that, if she really is educated and sophisticated, she probably is pursuing an identical mating strategy. Because she, too, is going to date casually for the first month or at least the first few weeks of meeting a guy before going more into an exclusive commitment.
Because it’s just not rational in the modern world to have to do that – to have to commit to somebody pre-sex or to have to commit to somebody on the first date – it’s just not rational. Unless you have religious beliefs that force that to happen, you know, force you to do that. A real educated, sophisticated woman probably was just going to be looking for a realist. If you’ve slept with a low number of women, it might actually look bad because it’s going to imply that you’re not sexually experienced – you don’t know what you’re doing in the bedroom.
It’ll also imply that you’re not very mature because you haven’t gone through the ups and downs of relationships before. You’re not going to know how to navigate the problems when they come up.
Having slept with a low standard of women, like if you just say, “Oh yeah, I’ve hooked up with pretty much any girl,” after talking to her for 10 minutes – that’s just going to show that you have a low standard in life. So that’s the only drawback that I can possibly think of for having a relatively higher number of women you’ve slept with – that and fear of STDs or whatever. But that could just be medically verified, that you’re clean. If you are, hopefully you’ve been taking regular checks.
Let me get that question over and done with. How many women have you slept with? If she’s doing it – she’s asking you that question when you’ve just met, you can just joke around with her, tell her 400. It doesn’t really matter, right? That’s none of her business right then.
If further into the relationship or just before sex or if you’re getting a sense that she’s doing it because she’s actually worried that you might just use her, then you want to backtrack and ask her why that’s important to her. Is it because she’s afraid of being hurt? If she says yes or if it comes out that she’s afraid of being hurt then you need to deal with that. The actual number that you tell her is irrelevant if you haven’t dealt with the fear that is causing that question to come up and you need to address that.
So there’s no duplicity, so you’re completely transparent with where you’re coming from, so she knows what she’s getting into. So she gets into a relationship with you with her eyes wide open about what she’s getting into. So: How many women have you slept with? And we’ll end with that just because the interest of time. That’s how you deal with: How many women have you slept with?
Now if you want to ask more questions, go to the link under this video. Click on that link, go to our secret Facebook group and ask your questions there or vote up the questions that you want answered. I’ll address those there. So until next time, man up.