Man Up | Ep. 59 • January 18, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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What About Dating A Girl Who Is Smarter Than You?
In episode 59 of Man Up, I answer the question: How do you handle a girl who is smarter than you?
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up!
Hey, it’s David Tien, Ph.D. and welcome to “Man Up!”, episode 59. Got a question here from the private Facebook group and I realized that the video looks like the screen is glowing, the sun is setting. The lighting was not ideal for the camera with the window open. So I moved it, the blinds are down not even all the way. But anyway, this is the setting. Hopefully it will look interesting on the video.
Got a question here from Tommy from the private Facebook of Man Up which you should join, by the way, to ask your questions and get your answers from me. I go on there and sometimes when the questions are straightforward I can answer it right in the comments there. Go ahead and join the private Facebook. So here’s the question from Tommy. It’s about a feeling that crept up in him a few weeks back and he feels like the women he is seeing are not or have no reason to be “super into me”. Okay.
It’s just a standard feeling of insecurity, he doesn’t think it’s that easy though. He says that “I think the feeling that I got has more to do with the women that I am seeing than it is about me”. He gives this example of specific woman. And by the way, he says he’s the guy who has most of the things in his professional and personal life.
Handle that he’s not suffering from low self-esteem or anything of that sort or so he says. And then he gives this specific example of a woman he’s been seeing. She is really smart and has a very good education, “same level as me”, he says, and very honest. And she is one of the rarer ones who will hold eye contact without ever flinching. We have a strong connection.
Okay so, that’s all sounding good so far. Let’s hear the problem. “Even so there’s nothing I would say or do that I feel that impresses her or has value to her”. And here are his examples: “I make her a really good dinner and she counters by bringing sour dough bread that she made herself. I’ll talk about a book I read and she’ll tip me on another book on the same genre. The list goes on and on.
I’ll talk about the nutrition and working out which I know quite a thing about and she’ll respond with an equally or more insightful response on nutrition on the premises and perspectives of a female. I guess I should feel lucky but I don’t. I feel like she has no reason to hang around me in one or two years from now”. And he doesn’t want a girlfriend who will settle for him.
So you can kind of guess where this is going. “So I guess this is where I am at currently. My dilemma is I value and appreciate women who have the qualities that the woman I am currently seeing have. But I fear I’ll waste my time seeing them should they lose interest in me. So I guess my question is should I sacrifice my standards and date people who I can see becoming my wife or just go on as I am doing now and hope that our feelings for one another will last. I know men and women should meet on equal terms but I just do not see how equal is a good prerequisite for a lasting relationship.”
Whooo! Okay! This is crazy! I didn’t realize that… like it was long… like and I skipped half of it. I didn’t realize that’s where he was going.
So Tommy, where are you from? I can’t really tell. I’ll treat this question like it was written by somebody from an industrialized first world country, you know. Because there are traditional values which say women are more of like the supporters of the man. So if that’s the case, you just want to find either a trophy wife or a housewife or glorified maid that pops out babies.
If it’s one of those three things, then you should go to a place more conservative where women won’t challenge you, right. But he says in the end like that was… I didn’t even read that before I started pressing play… before I press play. “I know men and women should meet on equal terms but I don’t see how equal is a good prerequisite for a lasting relationship.” That’s scary!
So for the women out there watching, hopefully… you know I know there are women watching, ah, you should be scared. There are lot of men like this. Maybe my view is skewed because they keep staking me out. My sample size is different but you know I wouldn’t say that, okay, there is still a minority of men but there’s a large minority of men. Okay, so let’s get to this and I feel for the women and I feel for women’s rights right now when I read this. But even if he is just coming from a totally, let’s say, he wants an equal relationship, let’s see what he says, right, so Tommy let me come back and talk to you.
The examples you gave are great. I love them! So he says, and I love this level of specificity, for the guys who are writing questions to me, I need this level of specificity to answer the questions and to understand the context. So I have to appreciate that for Tommy. He says, he’ll make a really good dinner, she counters by bringing sour dough bread she made herself. Choice of words and the languaging you use is really important tips of a lot of your mind, instead she counters.
So what is this? This is, he’s setting up, a fight dynamic. He’s got to be the winner. Okay, here’s another example.
He talks about a book she’s read and… he’s read… and “she’ll tip me on another book”. I’m assuming Tommy, you say you don’t have low self-esteem but you would be a pain in the ass as a friend. Just calling that out. I don’t know if you have a lot of intelligent friends because it sounds like you get into debates with them all of the time to prove who’s smarter. You’re not ready for a relationship.
You’re ready for a relationship with a subservient woman who is on all these measures are important to you like education and cooking is lower than you. You’re ready for a relationship with an inferior woman. That’s what you are ready for. The list goes on. Nutrition. And then she says, she responds through equally or more insightful response on nutrition. This is why you know in the academe this happens all the time.
Very insecure academics always try to prove themselves by trying to one up each other instead of learning from each other. And you’re probably a horrible conversationalist, Tommy, because you are more concerned about what you have to say than what other people have to say. I would recommend right of the bat, right from the very beginning, like tomorrow… tonight when you read this. When you watch this I mean. Go get Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. Still a classic. That’s a beginners’… it’s a starting point. Right, go from there.
All of the technologies that I put out there, we search, is building off of the common sense. To me that’s common sense but to you it’s not common sense. So please have the humility to go pick up that book. It’s like $5.99 or like you can buy it anywhere. It’s like one of the best-selling books of all time.
You know top 100 or whatever. Go get it! Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. It will at least… It’s full of stories. It’s an easy read. It will walk you through why your attitude is going to turn people off. Not just women, but people.
You probably don’t have a lot of people around you who challenge you because your attitude will turn off people who challenge you. You’re not welcoming growth and development. You’re just basically… and your conversations’ stroking your ego is a big turn off to people who are mature and have developed themselves. And I’m surprised this woman stuck around as long as she did.
Because you must’ve been sub-communicating your insecurity on your face. She starts talking about things that are interesting to her. She brings sour dough bread and instead of appreciating it, you feel like she won. That’s really dangerous. And I was like… okay… I can kind of deal with insecurity but then you get to the bottom of it, and you say you do not see equals as a good prerequisite for a lasting relationship.
So you do not sound too masochistic. Masochistic is the wrong word here. You mean Misogynistic. And yes, you do sound misogynistic. So, I think, like your only bet is you might want to go to a village somewhere like, I don’t know. This is a tough one because not many village people. But you know, you go to like a village in rural Cambodia or something and you find a wife there and she might still cook better than you.
I don’t know but she won’t be as educated as you because they don’t have access to education like they do in first world countries. She won’t have the nutritional-medical-knowledge or whatever. So you’ll feel good about yourself. You have a nice ego stroke, feel good about yourself and you won’t evolve as a human being. That’s what you have coming up for you. And yes, you are a misogynist. But! I shouldn’t say that. You are espousing misogynistic views you or yourself can change. So you’re not a misogynistic person yet. You’re just espousing misogynistic views.
So if you want to be happy in 2016 with an evolved woman who challenges you, you’re going to actually change your views about what a successful male female relationship will look like and can look like in 2016.
Alright, so David Tian signing out on those strong words. Tommy, I hope you don’t take it too hard. Really, I hope you take it with humility that you will learn to appreciate women as human beings and not feel like you have to beat them at the game to enjoy them and be able to learn.
A great humbling experience is just do a fucking Ph.D. The professors there who have thirty or forty years of experience when you are starting out with two or three years of grad school and yet you try to hang with them, it’s just so very, it’s so very… what’s the word… humbling experience. And it really – it really helps – it helped me a lot not to even try to bother in proving my intelligence.
So just go with the honesty. If you don’t know it, say you don’t know it. If you know it, say what you know. And that’s it! Don’t try to pretend and put on airs and compete with ego because you’re going to get crushed. I loved that and that was great.
So go to Oxford and hang out with reputed shades. Alright, so simple as that. Otherwise go find a village girl who’s never seen the world and maybe, maybe you’ll be able to keep your ego intact but hopefully you’ll be able to grow with it.
Damn! Ten minutes! I keep trying to keep this short. It is a hard form to answer questions quickly. I think that’s a challenge and I’m going to try to meet that challenge in the next video. Hold me accountable for that.
So until next time… oh by the way, join the private Facebook group. I feed on your questions. Without your questions, the show cannot go on. Please ask me your questions. I love them. And give this much context as you want. I love the context. So until next time… Man Up!