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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
Connect with David Tian here:
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Google Podcast: https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9kYXZpZHRpYW4ubGlic3luLmNvbS9yc3M
DTPHD Podcast: https://www.davidtianphd.com/dtphdpodcast
If She Say She Has A Boyfriend
If a woman says she has a boyfriend, David Tian Ph.D. deliberates on whether this is a rejection or simply a reply.
David Tian Ph.D. tells men why they need to have a bias for actions.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. explains why rejections shouldn’t matter and why men should focus on being social and sincere instead.
David Tian: Boom! Stop. In episode 74, we talk about, she has a boyfriend, what do you say and can you be prepared for all scenarios?
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up!
Hey, it’s David Tian, Ph.D. welcome to episode 74 of Man Up. And here I’m going to answer the second half of David’s question in the private Facebook group. The second half of his question. Remember in the previous episode, he asked a question about being divorced.
The second question he asked here is “I assume in some cases, we all get rejected by girls. For example, they might say, “Sorry I have a boyfriend.” What is the proper course of action in that case? Should I smile and say something along the lines of ‘as expected, perhaps another time’.” Not bad. “I just like to be prepared for all scenarios. Thank you so much!” I ask a follow up question, I asked him what prompts them to say sorry I have a boyfriend, he says, “Thanks!”.
I haven’t said anything yet. In bracket he says, “although thanks to your videos, I do indeed know what to say.” Thank you. And then he continues, “but I just like to be prepared for all scenarios for instance if a girl in fact has a boyfriend. Thanks!”.
This is going to be a short episode, but it’s a common problem. And if you want to be prepared for all scenarios before you act, you will never act. You will never act. Now, I’m going to give you a quick rundown on how to deal with the “boyfriend” reply. It’s not a rejection, it’s a reply. I’m going to give you a quick rundown on that. But your bigger problem is I have a feeling that this isn’t going to solve your issue.
Because you’re going to have…what if she says this, what if she does this, what if, what if, what if! And there’s never an end to that. You have to take action. Have a bias for action, stole that from Amazon, Bezos. Have a bias for action. Just go out and do it first. Be like an early stage start up. Just go and try it, test it and then come back.
First of all, you have to get over your anxiety, man. The reason you want to have all of the answers before you act is because you’re scared of making mistakes. And I mean the fact that you would interpret that as a rejection tells me everything I need to know. Right? And… um… if you think she says, “I have a boyfriend” is rejecting you in some way. It’s not a rejection! Okay now, it could be a rejection but it’s not necessarily a rejection.
Probably to you it’s a rejection because of the way you’re coming off. But it could just be a fact. So if a girl approached me and made it very clear about what she wants from me, not just to be friends, which I totally respect and I mention, “Oh my girlfriend’s coming in a few minutes. You should meet her” or something like that if I like her, “You guys would get along,” that’s me giving her information that she ought to have. And she can decide whether she wants to stick around.
“Can you be prepared for all scenarios?” No! No! In fact, as a good coach, I wouldn’t give you the response you want to prepare for the boyfriend thing.
But I know I’m speaking to more people than you David, so I’m going to give it to them. But for you what’s good for you, is you got to get out there. You got to stop asking questions, you’ve got to stop preparing for the what if’s. You just got to take action, take action, go out and… you already know what to say because of the openers that you’ve always received. Just go out and try it. Now what you came up with on the fly is perfectly fine.
She says, “sorry I have a boyfriend”, you say, what did you come up with? “As expected, perhaps another time. In fact, foot another time. What do you mean, like “if you break up with him, here’s my card”. Like, “as expected, have a great day” is fine. “It was nice talking to you” is fine. It’s just what polite people do. To exit a conversation. It’s normal. Get used to that. You can use it. Now, the girlfriend thing… the boyfriend thing… sorry.
I’m speaking to everyone else, not you, David now. Okay, so for those who wonder what this means. It’s interesting, if it happens right at the beginning, “sorry I have a boyfriend”, that is usually because she doesn’t like you enough and she’s trying to get rid of you.
It could even be a lie. Right? So she’s saying “no, sorry I have a boyfriend” as just like puts her hand up like that is just gut reaction, it means she doesn’t like you and that’s fine because you want to weed out the girls who don’t like you. You don’t want to be like “hanging in there”.
Just find the new leads. Go out and try to meet some new women who would say “yes” to you.
And then if, you’ve gone through all the women who are saying yes to you then go back through the “maybe’s”. But right now, there are so many possibilities out there, there’s no reason to go back to the “maybe’s”. And especially not the no’s. Alright so if she says, “no I don’t like you”, it could be the most trivial thing, it’s just not her type, move on. Horrible use of your time to persist on that or even think too much about that.
If you get that rejection ten times in a row – if you get it more than – if you get it ten times in a row, okay I’ll put it there, there’s probably something you’re doing majorly wrong and you need to seek feedback on what you’re doing. So you might want to take the photos, send it up to me. Email me, whatever.
Get some coaching, get some help. Because that’s the sample size that’s large enough to say that there’s something maybe wrong in the product and you. So at the very very beginning, probably means, “I’m not interested at all”.
If you get it later on in the conversation where you’re trying to get the contact information and she’s like, “I have a boyfriend”. That often means, and she’s like in the process of exchanging, or like you asked for it and she’s like… she liked you enough as a friend but she doesn’t want to sacrifice her boyfriend for you.
And if you’re in active exchange of contacts, she says that that’s like just info for you like, “I want to see you but be careful. That’s her being a sly little fox. Like a sly bad girl and you can choose. I would generally just like… not want that at all. But you know, that’s what’s happening. She’s going to sneak around a bit with you.
If she says it’s just as an excuse not to take the number, what she’s saying is “you’re fun to hang out as a friend but I’m taken right now and I don’t want to jeopardize my boyfriend”, which is fine. You then need to allay her fears if you want to stay in her life.
Maybe you can hang out at this party that I’m going to, bring your boyfriend along, it’ll be great. And then ask about him and big him up. Alright, so she’ll let her guard down. If it comes like in the date, then she’s really just giving you information. So she’s like saying “don’t call me when I’m with my boyfriend or whatever, right. Just be careful and be discreet is what she’s saying.
So that phrase “I have a boyfriend” means different things at different stages in the relationship. Understand where they’re coming from there. How to handle it doesn’t fucking matter.
Who cares about rejection. Just say what you came up is fine.
You can just say, “it’s a pleasure to meet you” or “have a wonderful day” or if the boyfriend shows up while you’re talking to her, no problem. She says, “he’s my boyfriend”, then say “oh hey! Lucky man! Alright, have a great day. You guys are a cute couple” and walk off. No big deal! No big deal! Okay?
This is what a man does, just being social. Just being social and you’re just speaking the truth. Speak your truth. You find her attractive, it’s a perfectly great compliment if it’s sincere. Just tell her, “You’re a very attractive woman. Good luck in life.” You know, whatever right? Doesn’t fucking matter.
So be sincere, speak the truth. Speak your truth. Speak your truth!
Only in private Facebook group, I’ll see you inside there. Until then, man up!