Man Up | Ep. 74 • February 16, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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In episode 74, We talk about: She has a boyfriend, what do you say and can you be prepared for all scenarios?
[Intro Music] Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up!
[Music Fades] Hey, it’s David Tian, Ph.D. welcome to episode 74 of man up. And here I’m going to answer the second half of David’s question in the private Facebook group. The second half of his question. Remember in the previous episode, he asked a question about being divorced. The second question he asked here is “I assume in some cases, we all get rejected by girls.
How To Win Friends and Making Friends
For example, sorry I have a boyfriend. What is the proper course of action in that case? Should I smile and say something along the lines of ‘as expected, perhaps some other time’.” Not bad. “I just like to be prepared for all scenarios. Thank you so much!” I ask a follow up question, because I assume he’s an intelligent man. I asked him what prompts him to say sorry I have a boyfriend, he says, “thanks!”.
I haven’t said anything yet. In bracket he says, “although thanks to your videos, I do indeed know what to say.” And then he continues, “but I just like to be prepared for all scenarios for instance a girl in fact has a boyfriend. Thanks!”.
This is going to be a short episode, but it’s a common problem. And if you want to be prepared for all scenarios before you act, you will never act. You will never act. Now, I’m going to give you a quick rundown on how to deal with the “boyfriend” reply. It’s not a rejection, it’s a reply. I’m going to give you a quick rundown on that. But your bigger problem is I have a feeling this isn’t going to solve your issue.
Because you’re going to have… what if she… what if, what if, what if, what if! And there’s never an end to that. You have to take action. Have a bias for actions, stole that from amazon. Have a bias for action. Just go out and do it first. Be like an early stage start up. Just go and try it, test it and then come back.
First of all, you have to get over your anxiety, man. The reason you want to have all of the answers before you act is because you’re scared of making mistakes. And I mean the fact that you would interpret that as a rejection tells me everything I need to know. Right? And… um… if you think she says, “I have a boyfriend” is rejecting you in some way. It’s not a rejection! Okay now, it could be a rejection but it’s not necessarily a rejection.
Probably to you it’s a rejection because of the way you’re coming off. But it could just be a fact. So if a girl approaches me and be very clear with what she wants from me, not just to be friends, which I totally respect and I mention “oh my girlfriend’s coming in a few minutes. You should meet her” or something like that if I like her, you guys would get along. That’s me giving her information that she ought to have. And she can decide whether she wants to stick around. Maybe it’s a rejection because I don’t like this person but I’m a man enough to say not to use that as a rejection.
I’m just like, you know, maybe I’ll walk away. Like “sorry I got to go right now!”. Look, let me deal with it. So before the bigger issue, “can you be prepared for all scenarios?”. No! No! In fact, as a good coach, I wouldn’t give you the response you want to prepare for the boyfriend thing.
But I know I’m speaking to more people than you David, so I’m going to give it to them. But for you what’s good for you, is you got to get out there. You got to stop asking questions, stop preparing for the what if’s. You just got to take action, take action, go out and… you already know what to say because of the openers that you’ve always received. Just go out and try it. Now what you came up on the fly is perfectly fine.
She says, “sorry I have a boyfriend”, you say, “as expected, perhaps some other time. In fact, for another time. What do you mean, like “if you break up with him, here’s my card”. Like, “as expected, have a great day” is fine. “It was nice talking to you” is fine. It’s just what polite people do. To exit a conversation. It’s normal. Get used to that. You can use it. Now, the girlfriend thing… the boyfriend thing… sorry.
I’m speaking to everyone else, not you, David now. Okay, so for those who wonder what this means. It’s interesting, if it happens right at the beginning, “sorry I have a boyfriend”, that is usually she doesn’t like you enough and she wants to get rid of you.
It could even be a lie. Right? So she’s saying “no, sorry I have a boyfriend” as just like puts her hand up like that is just gut reaction, it means she doesn’t like you and that’s fine because you want to weed out the girls who don’t like you. You don’t want to be like “hanging in there”.
Influencing Without Authority
Another inspiration I have, Gary Vaynerchuk says, “don’t try to convert people, don’t try to persuade people. To find that leads that would love to buy your product. And without asking, without, like waiting and negotiating. Just find the new leads. Go out and try to meet some new women who would say “yes” to you.
And if, you’ve gone through all the women who would say yes to you then go back through the “maybe’s”. But right now, there are so many possibilities out there, there’s no reason to go back to the “maybe’s”. And especially not the no’s. Alright so if she says, “no I don’t like you”, it could be the most trivial thing, you’re just not her type, move on. Horrible use of your time to persist on that or even think too much about that.
Ways To Meet People
If you get that rejection ten times in a row – if you get it more than – if you get it ten times in a row, okay I’ll put it there, there’s something you’re probably doing majorly wrong and you need to seek feedback in what you’re doing. So you might want to take the photos, send it up to me. Email me, whatever.
Get some coaching, get some help. Because that’s the sample size that’s large enough to say that’s something’s maybe wrong in the product. In you. So at the very very beginning, probably means, “I’m not interested at all”.
If you get it later on the conversation or when you’re trying to get the contact information and she was like, “I have a boyfriend”. That often means, and she’s like in the process of exchanging, like you asked for it and she was like… she liked you enough as a friend but she doesn’t want to sacrifice her boyfriend for you.
And if you’re in active exchange of contacts, that’s just like info for you like, “I want to see you but be careful. That’s her being a sly little fox. Like a sly bad girl and you can choose. I would generally just like… not want that at all. But you know, that’s what’s happening. She’s going to sneak around a bit with you.
If she says it just as an excuse not to take the number, what she’s saying is “you’re fun to hang out as a friend but I’m taken right now and I don’t want to jeopardize my boyfriend”, which is fine. You then need to outlay her fears if you want to stay in her life. Just say people hang out as friends or whatever, don’t use that word “as friends”.
Maybe you can hang out at this party I’m going to, bring your boyfriend along, it’ll be great. And then ask about him and big him up. Alright, so she’ll let her guard down. If it comes like in the date, then she’s really just giving you information. So she’s like saying “don’t call me when I’m with my boyfriend or whatever, right. Just be careful and be discreet is what she’s saying.
So that phrase “I have a boyfriend” means different things at different stages in the relationship. Understand where they’re coming from there. How to handle it doesn’t fucking matter.
Who cares about rejection. Just say what you came up is fine.
You can just say, “it’s a pleasure to meet you” or “have a wonderful day” or if the boyfriend shows up while you’re talking to her, no problem. She says, “he’s my boyfriend”, then say “oh hey! Lucky man! Alright, have a great day. You guys are a cute couple” and walk off. No big deal! No big deal! Okay?
This is what a man does, just being social. Just being social and you speaking the truth. Speak your truth. You find her attractive, it’s a perfectly great compliment if it’s sincere. Just tell her. You’re a very attractive woman. Good luck in life. Doesn’t fucking matter.
So be sincere, speak the truth. Speak your truth. Speak your truth!
Private Facebook group, I’ll see you inside there. Until then, man up!