May 23, 2013
Table of Contents
- What Women Find Attractive
- Attracting Women
- What are the universally attractive traits that ignite passionate attraction in women?
- Understand Collectivism
- Assertiveness – the Passive Aggressive Asian Push-Over
- The Wimpification of Modern Man
- The Boiling Point
- The Gender Gap and Being a Man
- Becoming Assertive
- Making Your Move
- Adventurous and Easygoing
- Breaking Up with Mommy is Hard to Do
- Dependence, Approval, and Tiger Parenting
- Developing Independence and Eliminating Approval-Seeking Behaviour
- Becoming Adventurous
- Overcoming Fear
- The Power of Vulnerability
- Independence through Solitude and Physical Activity
- Accepting Yourself
- Stay Independent, Even in a Relationship
- Creating Purpose and Finding Passion
- Confidence with Women
The Asian man is a bit of an underdog in the modern dating world.
While he possesses many qualities that might help him to be a good husband, these qualities are often overlooked by women who are initially looking for hot dating material, not husbands.
You, as an Asian man, need to understand the feelings that women have towards men like you and then recognize how to empower yourself towards better dating progress. Whether you want to sleep with a hundred women or find that perfect soul mate, it all starts by making yourself more attractive to women in general.
Sadly, in this MTV world, scientific studies have shown that the Asian man is largely ignored on the dating scene, even by Asian women. One well-known study found that women of all races are the least sexually interested in Asian males out of all the races – they prefer whites, blacks, Latinos – anyone but the Asian male.
This is even true of Asian females, who themselves tend to prefer men who are not Asian. Even when this study controlled for physical attractiveness, looking only at Asian guys who were considered empirically attractive, Asian males were still furthest down on the preference list for all races of women, except Asian women who, when attractiveness was controlled for, Asian women then put Asian males on an equal level with men of other races.
Interestingly, a similar study of what race men find attractive revealed that men do not care about the race of the female as long as the woman was smoking hot. Men want hot women. Women want, well, non-Asian men.
What Women Find Attractive
You might wonder, what exactly is the type of Asian man who women naturally and unconsciously do find to be irresistibly attractive and sexy? What are the traits that most women look for in a male sex object? I’ll get to that in this series of articles.
But I need to lay the groundwork first. A crucial distinction to keep in mind as we begin, here is between universally attractive traits and narrowly attractive traits. Narrowly attractive traits appeal only to a small subset of women. However, universally attractive traits appeal to almost all women.
Of course, you want to appeal to the most women possible so I’m going to focus mostly on universally attractive traits.
For instance, a couple of my own narrowly attractive traits include being scholarly and relatively well traveled. These two traits are not attractive to all (or even most) women.
Believe me, I know.
Most narrowly attractive traits track stereotypical character types, such as the tortured artist, the jock, the cowboy, the bodybuilder, the tattooed man, the long haired metal head, the wild party animal, the dangerous bad boy with a criminal record, and even for some girls, the “Asian guy.”
Sure, there are women who like these things, but the traits do not appeal to most women.
What are some examples of universally attractive traits? We now need to distinguish between passionate attraction and companionate attraction. Passionate attraction is the sort of raw sexual energy that can lead to short-term sexual relations. Companionate attraction is the more stable attachment found in long-term mating and companionship.
In terms of companionate attraction, research in various branches of psychology, sociology, and evolutionary biology has highlighted several traits that human women universally value in long-term mates. You can probably guess what they are because they match popular notions of male-female attraction.
Going by just one such list, these companionate attraction traits include economic capacity, high social status, being of an age older than hers, ambition and industriousness, dependability and stability, intelligence, compatibility, size and strength, good health, and the displaying of love and commitment.
But companionate attraction isn’t really the problem we want to solve here.
Many Asian men would make wonderful husbands and fathers, and women know that. The real problem is how to attract beautiful women before they are looking to settle down with a stable, responsible husband or the proverbial nice guy.
We want to learn how to trigger in our dating partners that passionate desire that makes them want to rip our clothes off and jump us for sex. Besides, it is always easier to move from the lover category into the provider role than vice versa.
Many of the companionate attraction traits overlap with those of passionate attraction, especially health, wealth, and status, as women tend (usually unconsciously) to perceive these as reliable indications of power, which is, as Kissinger famously remarked, “the greatest aphrodisiac.”
What are the universally attractive traits that ignite passionate attraction in women?
While power is certainly chief among them, it is far too broad and general to be of much use. Telling you to get in the best physical shape you can, make the most money possible, and climb to the highest social status attainable is slightly more specific advice. But these are probably things you already know.
In any case, luring a woman in, is one thing, but keeping her around for the long-term is something else entirely. Of course, it would behoove you to develop in yourself as many of those long-term companionate attraction traits as you can, especially health, wealth, and status, so that once you snag your dream girl and you hit that turning point where you transition into a long-term relationship, you will be ready to take up your new role superbly.
I will take those as a given.
Not all of us can have bodies like Brad Pitt, wealth like Bill Gates, and status like Barack Obama. And we don’t want to have to join the Attraction Arms Race, competing with all the other men out there on these conventional factors. There will always be some other guy you will meet who is better looking than you, has more money than you, or has a higher social status than you.
So, how do we circumvent the whole dead-end Attraction Arms Race? We ensure that we possess and exhibit the five basic traits that make a man–specifically, an Asian man–sexy to women.
These five key character traits are universally attractive to women and result in passionate sexual attraction.
These five key traits are especially important for the typical Asian man to cultivate in himself. They separate the special category of the Sexually Attractive Asian Man from the rest of the pack.
They will help bring you sexual fulfillment in the short term and emotional fulfillment in the long term.
As a Sexually Attractive Asian Man, you will be equipped to get what you want sexually. This means dating (a lot), having sex (often), and eventually finding a life partner to ride off into the sunset with (for good).
The Sexually Attractive Asian Man exhibits the following traits and is:
• A Leader. You have trained yourself to weigh the relevant factors, make snap decisions, and deal with the consequences. While you may have formal recognition through rank, status, or position, you do not rely on external recognition to inspire and lead others. You take into account the opinions and desires of others, but ultimately, you draw your own conclusions and waste no time in doing so. I will expand on this concept in later articles.
• Assertive. You speak up for yourself and those under your leadership. You do not hide behind a false Asian modesty. Rather, you believe that others, including your seniors, want to hear your ideas. You also do not tolerate disrespect from others. You are aggressive and persistent in pursuit of your goals. In social settings, you are friendly and cordial but also dominant and commanding. You freely approach women you want to meet. I will overview how important it is to be an assertive male in upcoming articles.
• Adventurous. You welcome risk and danger. You are unpredictable and have a love of spontaneous fun. You live life to the hilt and push experiences to the edge. I will discuss your role as the adventurous male in upcoming articles.
• Easy going. You are easygoing, which means that you don’t take yourself too seriously. You readily laugh at yourself and are the first to chuckle at your own foibles. While you are able to discern when and how to be serious about grave topics and to appreciate the consequences of your actions and decisions, you still often see the humor in everyday situations, especially when the situation involves you or your ego. I will cover the importance of you showing an easygoing personality when we get to the articles on How to be Easygoing.
• Sexual. You have no sexual hang-ups and are comfortable with your views on sex and relationships. You are secure in your own self-image and with your body. And you are at ease talking with women about sexual subjects. We will discuss your comfort with sexuality in depth in future articles.
Through the remainder of this series, I will help you recognize, understand and internalize the personality traits that are necessarily a part of the masculine, sexualized Asian male. (“NOTE: The section on “Being Sexual” has been redacted and is only available by request to firstname.lastname@example.org “)
You will learn how the Asian asexual stereotype developed over generations, including how ancient Asian males were much more masculinized and romantically successful, and how you can harness that to build your own sexual power. You will learn how you are not limited to your cultural heritage, but are also bound to your genetic, evolutionary heritage.
You will learn how developing independence can help you uncover your own leadership, assertiveness, adventurous nature, easy going personality, and sexuality.
In the Introduction, I stated that an attractive, sexually successful Asian male is assertive, adventurous and easy going. He is also highly sexual, and perhaps foremost, the sexually attractive Asian male is a leader.
From talking to countless Singaporeans about this, I’ve discovered that some in Singapore think being a leader might force you to go against the norms of society. And “going against the norms of society” is often considered bad somehow in Singapore society (as if the majority were always in the right).
So, as a Singaporean, you might think this trait to be negative because you were taught that it is good to conform to society, to fit in.
In this post, I am going to examine Leadership, one of the big five essential character traits required for becoming a sexually attractive Asian man. In particular, I will address Asian leadership, including the concept of elitism and how it contrasts with collectivism.
When I was still a professor at the National University of Singapore (NUS) teaching Chinese philosophy, some of my students’ favourite classes were the ones on Neo-Confucianism, which was the dominant ideology in East Asia for the second millenium. Neo-Confucian thinkers–and indeed Confucian, Daoist, and Buddhist philosophers, as well–emphasized listening to one’s xin (or heart-mind) and following or obeying one’s xin.
Sometimes, though, this attention to xin sometimes meant going against the norms of society or just doing the opposite of what everybody else was thinking.
I thought this was a strength of the view. But remarkably, in the NUS classroom of almost all Singaporean students, this was considered a weakness of the view. The fact that there could be a teaching in the philosophy that might lead you to go against the norms of society was considered by my Singaporean students to be a disadvantage!
As I probed their feelings more, I learned that they thought it was good to conform, to make every effort to fit in. Obviously, the upside of this is societal harmony. Everybody gets along. But what if, in your opinion, “everybody” is thinking wrongly or behaving badly? I think many of the Singaporean NUS students would censor themselves if they disagreed with society, thinking that there was something wrong with them, not the majority.
This belief was quite curious. At that point I understood some of the resistance to the themes of individualism in Chinese philosophy, and I finally recognized that I first had to explain some things about how the real world works, the world in which we are the products of a process of evolution going back millions of years.
If you think that being Asian or Singaporean means you need to sacrifice your individual good for that of society, this post is for you. I’ll show you how in Asian history, it was and is the elite male who gets the girls. And I shall show you how you can become elite simply by exhibiting Leadership.
I will also explain how leading is not about leading lambs to slaughter, but about efficiently achieving what is best for the group.
Let’s start by looking at the idea of collectivism. In a very broad definition, collectivism is the concept of sacrificing your own individual good for the good of the collective. This has a very Star Trek-ish sound to it “You will be assimilated and the good of the many outweigh the needs of the one.” Ha-ha.
Maybe some of those Star Trek writers were raised Asian. The point is that many Asian men feel strongly that they must adhere to this concept of collectivism, that they must lose themselves in order to embody what society expects of them.
In the Confucian tradition, there has always been a deep respect for the ruling class and the educated elite, and often those two categories were the same. Confucians taught that the bulk of the people, the masses, were incapable of the responsibility of leadership.
The governmental structure of Singapore is one of the closest, if not THE closest, modern governments to this Confucian model, where you have highly educated and very highly paid people governing the country. The Confucians position is that the power and respect should go to the educated elite.
The Modern, Elite Asian Man in the Scope of History
Now let’s take a deeper look at this elite Asian man in history. The elite Asian male drives the ideal of Asian masculinity. In the pre-modern period, men in the elite ruling class in Asia took multiple wives and concubines, some kings and emperors even had hundreds of concubines. Contrast this to the remaining 99.9% of the population of Asian males, who were mainly peasants, who were lucky to have even one wife. Of course, if you want to have an abundant sexual life, you don’t want to follow the peasant. Obviously, it pays to be an elite. Let’s come at this from a different angle.
For most of East Asian history–China, Japan, Korea, and many other Asian countries–one of the biggest differences that set the elite apart from the lower classes was education. Elite children are raised and educated differently from the children of the lower classes and exposed to different life experiences.
Fast forward to the 2000s. In most of modern East Asia and Singapore, there is very early educational streaming of children. The education boards begin testing children in the first grade and put them through country-wide exams at least once every year.
Based on the results of these exams, these children are streamed into various categories that determine the child’s access to levels of education. It is very difficult for someone who is in the bottom third stream to rise up to the top stream. Thus, early on, we have Asian educational streaming, which plays a large role in how educated a person will be, and in turn–traditionally speaking–how successful he will be.
This is part of the Confucian tradition of finding the governing elites through education. There is a paring away of those who can’t make it, so only the upper level of children are groomed to become the next generation of leaders. Elites are raised and taught differently from the masses, so the first stream, or even those above the first stream who make it into the very special schools, are treated differently and are given different instruction than the rest of the 95% of children in Asia.
In some ways, this is as true in the West as it is in Asia, which we know just by looking at admissions rates to Harvard or Oxford, or various other high-end private schools, like Phillips-Andover or Eton, versus the mass of public schools, but it’s much more formalized in Asia. In Asia, a child has no choice but to join this educational streaming because it is a part of the government education system.
When looking for role models, exemplars, and representatives of Asian masculinity to see what we should be like in order to be a sexually attractive Asian male, we should not look to the average Asian male as a role-model or to form our expectations based on the average Asian male. By the time Asian males reach adulthood, they have already been treated, raised, and taught very differently from each other.
Instead, we look to the elite.
We look at the guys at the top and learn from them. Now, maybe this grates on some people’s sensibilities. Initially, when I was learning how to be successful with women, coming to this realization about having to think, feel and be like an elite clashed with my liberal, democratic, Christian-inspired views.
But I’m just being realistic about the situation, about the REAL world that we live in. If you are a bleeding heart and want to sacrifice your sexual life for the good of the elite… then go ahead! But you’re not dragging me down with you, ha-ha.
The simple fact is, if you want to know what it means to be a powerful, leading, desirable Asian male you have to compare yourself and compete against these elites.
One major problem now arises. In turning to research in the modern social sciences, we hit a wall. Previous studies on the Asian male examined the attitudes, beliefs, and behaviours of the average Asian man about masculinity. They did not focus on the elite Asian man. But now we know that we must look to the attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors of the elite Asian man to derive accurate ideals of Asian masculinity.
Who are some of these elite Asian men?
Now let’s be clearer and examine actual real-life examples of such elite, sexually attractive Asian men.
Let’s look at history first, because by the time we reach the second decade of the 2000’s, Asia’s already mixed up with a lot of Western influences; so let’s look further in the past to find our Asian heroes. You don’t have to abandon your cultural heritage because you’re not limited by what the average Asian man is doing or has done.
In terms of mating success, which is really evolutionary success, we can look at the most sexually prolific Asian men in history and glean some insight. These included the ruling class, especially the kings and emperors. The emperors routinely had hundreds of women in their harems, sometimes so many that in their lifetime, they could not mate with every one of their concubines.
Wow, sounds like a great problem to have–that there are so many women in line for your bed that you haven’t the time to get to them all. Emperor Kangxi, the Manchu emperor of China in the 1600s, had so many consorts that he made a law that if a woman in his harem reached the age of 30 without ever having slept with him, she would be released back to the town or village she came from and be free to marry another man.
In many of these Asian countries whose elite are determined by the educational system, there was often a socio-economic class just below the ruling class made up of governors and magistrates. They too often had multiple wives. This was also true of successful military commanders, some of the wealthier merchants, and the elite scholars.
It’s really only in relatively modern Asian history that a successful, elite man would have only a single wife. There is some irony in the fact that Asia held on to this history of multiple wives far longer than any western countries. The Asian elite were prodigious in their sexual mating, while their western counterparts needed to divorce and remarry to bed a new partner.
So much for the idea of Asian’s being sexually conservative. This is an example of an extreme version of the 80/20 rule, that these rulers and other elite made up less than 1 percent of the population, yet were sleeping with many of the most desirable women. When it comes to your mating success, not only evolutionary biology, but also society rewards you for being elite.
Now, the concept of Asian masculinity becomes even more complicated as we continue this conversation. This is something of a dichotomy. Cham Louise, a professor of education in Australia, has written extensively on the wen/wu dichotomy which literally translates as the “literary/martial” dichotomy. That is, he’s noticed that, in Chinese history, the masculine ideal was a split between the ideals of wen, which is to say literature or literary, and wu, which is the martial, the aggressor. This is the default masculinity in China.
Some say that Asian history lacks the masculine ideal that you find in the West. They argue that because Asian countries have always respected education, the elite in Asia have always been poets and scholars and not athletes or military men.
There is some truth to this because much of the elite in Asia are much more educated than the rest of the population. The Asian ideal of masculinity is different from that in the West, but it’s important to understand what the “literary” side of the Asian masculinity equation really means and to recognise that there is an assertiveness in that “literary” (wen) side.
Here’s one really great example of an Asian hero. The figure, Wang Yangming flourished in the 15th century and was one of the most influential figures in the Confucian tradition. Not only was he one of the greatest philosophers in China, but he was also one of the most effective military commanders of his time. He quelled many rebellions as a military leader, and he used his philosophy in his military campaigns.
If you understand the literary/martial dichotomy, you’ll see that Asian masculinity combines both intelligence and strength. Simply put, the ideal Asian male can handle himself in battle and is also really smart; he embodies the best of brains and brawn.
Actually, this is not just an Asian idea, it’s also found in the West. A great example of this is Marcus Aurelius. But we also find in the Judaeo-Christian tradition King Solomon, who was the wisest of all men, but also one of the most powerful military kings in their history.
Of course, we also have pop media examples of characters such as Indiana Jones, who was an archeology professor who could also kick ass with his whip. This brains/brawn combination also explains the appeal of 2012 NBA hero, Jeremy Lin, who was famously a Harvard grad.
Apparently, he wasn’t even given a basketball scholarship to go there. He actually earned his degree with intelligence, yet now he’s a prominent point guard in the NBA.
The Asian tradition is a highly masculine one, where the rich and powerful would take a disproportionate number of desirable women, while the poor men would struggle to find even one mate.
As Richard Dawkins wrote in The Selfish Gene, if you’re in an all dove society, the best strategy for winning is to be a hawk. In Asian history, the elite man is like a hawk in an all dove society.
Evolution rewards the elite. To get ahead, you’ve got to be better, so you should not be ashamed to be elite. Sometimes, I feel as if “elite” is almost a dirty word in Singapore. But success is elitist. The Confucian exam system is elitist. Asian society throughout its history has been elitist and still is, though the rhetoric is that it is not.
When it comes to being successful, with women and in life, we know that we need to be elite. This means that you need to stand up and be a leader. The Asian elites maintain their distinction over time because of a specialised upbringing, education, and training, giving them the skills, or the knowledge to stay ahead in life. If they fail to maintain this, they’d naturally fall out of the elite class eventually and be replaced by a new group of elites.
Recall that the Asian masculine ideal combines brains and brawn. This simply means that an Asian male must be able to handle himself in battle and also be really smart, the best of brains and brawn. It is definitely this combination of the two that has historically led the elite to hoard so many of the females for themselves.
Yet, there is the worry about what is best for society, about whether the elite should sacrifice their own individual good for the good of the greater society. Well, in Asian history, you certainly don’t find leaders saying, “Well, I don’t need 100 women. I’ll just give 99 of my consorts away to my brothers and cousins.”
If you think that being Asian means that you give way to other people, think again. That is the mentality of the masses, the ruled. To let other people step all over you is not Asian. Not only is this not Asian, it’s not Jewish, it’s not Islamic, and it’s not Christian. It’s certainly not Singaporean or Chinese.
Perhaps you feel that today’s elite is not the same as these ancient men, that they are sexually conservative, as is the Asian stereotype.
Well, let me just remind you that one very visible sign of Asia being sexual and elites getting the most sex is the prevalence of prostitution throughout East Asia, something that is conveniently left out of the discussion of Asians as supposedly being sexually conservative. The only place in America where you can find legal prostitution is the state of Nevada, where it is overpriced and underused, with something of a stigma attached to it.
Yet, in Asia, especially in Japan, China, Korea, and Thailand, when you’re trying to close a business deal you take them to a KTV, which is basically a front for a brothel. To say that Asia is sexually conservative is bullsh*t. The Asian elites are not sexually conservative. They want the ruled masses to become sexually conservative.
Why? Because if you’re the elite, sleeping with 80% of the women, you want the other non-elite dudes to be quiet and stay out of your way. That’s what’s been happening in Asia. If you continue to buy into that, you’ll continue to be part of the ruled 80%, which means having little or no access to the most desirable women and a lot less of the sex that’s happening.
Now if this sounds depressing to you because maybe right now, you don’t think that you’re in the top 5% of sexually attractive males in your society well, don’t despair. Take hope. In this series, I’ll show you how you too can rise to the top and have a fulfilling and abundant sex life.
Every empowered Asian man I’ve ever met knows how to take charge. They are leaders. But this kind of leadership does not depend on status or position given by some external authority. Drop him into a brand new social setting and, absent another strong and effective leader, he will naturally begin to have people looking to him for leadership.
At nightclubs, a leader takes the initiative in deciding how many bottles of what beverage to order for the group. He knows, or quickly ascertains, where the good after-parties are and motivates people to follow him there. When a belligerent drunk intrudes on their group and threatens the girls, a leader doesn’t wait around to see what the other guys will do but instead quickly intervenes and protects his group.
Overwhelming evidence from evolutionary data supports the universal sexual appeal that comes from being a leader. Females would rather have a part of a leader than all of a loser. The most surefire way of winning over a woman is to show your leadership over other people, especially other competing men. This is bad news for followers, but great news for leaders and those who aspire to lead.
Of course, you need to realize that being a leader does not mean that you run roughshod over the interests of others, or that you force others to do your will. As a leader, you do take into account the desires of the group, and you act according to their and your best interests.
As a leader, though, you take ultimate responsibility for making important decisions that affect the entire group where you go next, when you leave the venue, where you will eat supper, who can roll with you, what the vibe of the group will be like, and so forth.
This kind of leadership does not necessarily involve that ethereal, mystical quality endlessly expounded in the countless reams of management and self-help literature, whatever that is supposed to be. It’s also not just about how to lead large groups or companies. Rather, it applies to little things such as taking the initiative to ask for the check when you and your friends are done eating and ready to go to the next venue.
I know plenty of Asian men who are leaders in their school clubs, sports teams, and music ensembles. Even more Asian men are leaders in their companies and places of employment. These activities are all good and help to build leadership skills. But outside of these environments in which they have been granted formal authority, many Asian men become passive followers, especially in casual social settings. You need to learn to lead naturally, in a variety of settings. “Natural” leaders don’t wait for external recognition or approval. They naturally see a need for someone to take charge, and they readily step-up. This is what it means to be a “natural” leader.
Here’s an example for you nerds-in-disguise. In that 2009 Star Trek movie, when the young James Kirk believed that the Enterprise was flying into an ambush, he did not wait until he had the rank to challenge Spock or the current captain. He led by going to those directly in charge and telling the ostensible leaders what ought to be done.
Turning to a more down-to-earth example, some major cities in Asia are governed by paternalistic governments. One prominent example is Singapore, which runs a harmonious and relatively peaceful society.
Violent crime is very low. And for a densely populated Asian city, the human and vehicular traffic flows smoothly and efficiently. However, one of the prices paid for this societal harmony is a docile, obedient, and passive society.
If what they’re after is a crime-free and industrious society, these are exactly the kind of people they should be rearing. They want men who will stand patiently in a queue for forty-five minutes without complaint. They want men unable to jay walk or even to chew gum out of fear of criminal punishment.
Their paternalism can cause men to be afraid to speak up when strangers shove them on the sidewalk or in a bar. While Singapore does have its share of local alpha males, the city is replete with men who will take it on the chin and keep trudging.
But then the local Singaporean men wonder why Western expats or visitors sometimes have a comparatively easier time with Singaporean women. But it’s no wonder that men who were raised in an environment that encouraged them to take initiative, to step-up in a leadership vacuum even when they don’t have the formal authority to do so, and to assume responsibility for making snap decisions will be the type of men that women are naturally attracted to.
This kind of attraction is biological; it’s not a choice. Women are evolutionarily hardwired to respond to true leaders.
That’s not to say that Singapore doesn’t have its fair share of local alpha males and natural leaders. Throughout my travels in Asia, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting and seeing local alpha males in Asia, most of whom were also natural leaders.
What Women Find Attractive
In Beijing several years ago–when I was really first starting out learning about dating and attraction–one of my mentors was Ma Yong, the leader of a small-time Chinese heishehui (“black society”) outfit based in the suburbs. Wherever he went, he attracted, almost effortlessly, incredibly beautiful women. Even when I occasionally brought along my female acquaintances, he worked his magic and attracted them faster than I could; I wasn’t complaining since I was learning so much about social dynamics from him.
After a couple of months of this, though, I think he felt sorry for me. I still clearly remember sitting with him, just the two of us, in a busy restaurant when he explained he learned early on just how important being a leader was in getting women. He even confessed to me that other gang leaders resented him because whenever they brought their girlfriends around, the girls were inevitably drawn more to him. Ma Yong was the first to teach and demonstrate to me the significance of natural leadership.
Ma Yong pointed out that it really comes down to a lot of little things that most people don’t consciously recognize, but when added up, demonstrate unconsciously to everyone present that he is the natural leader of the group. This is the real power of natural leadership. Because you don’t have formal authority or position, people won’t feel like they are being forced to obey. Because you perform many small acts of leadership, people unknowingly begin to accept your leadership. By the time the major decisions come up, the group is already accustomed to following your lead.
What sort of little things was he talking about? One time after we finished our meal he asked the wait staff for our bill. He pointed out that he was the one who decided it was time to go and asked for the bill. I hadn’t even noticed it was he who asked and not I.
But then I realized he was right; I knew we had finished our meal about ten minutes ago, and we had talked about moving to a pub for a beer, so the natural thing would be to ask for the bill. But I didn’t ask for it. I was already used to waiting until Ma Yong decided we were ready to go. Surely, it can’t just be asking for the bill. That’s so easy.
There must be something really hard about being a leader, right? Otherwise, everybody would do it. The good news is that, yes, it is that easy. And only a small minority of men realize how important it is to take the initiative in making these little decisions. What else is involved? Ma Yong continued, “When there is no clear consensus about where to go or what to do next, you must make a decision and act on it.”
As I continued to be schooled by this natural Asian leader, he taught me to use the available information I had to make decisions. He said I should form decisions quickly and stick with them.
He told me to always be firm, and act as if I know what I’m doing, even if I don’t.
He said to deal with the consequences as they arise, roll with it, and be flexible. I learned that leading is not about shoving your views or opinions down the throats of others. But in the absence of clear consensus, a leader needs to step-up and make a firm and rapid decision.
That is how you become a true leader; you simply lead in many small ways.
Assertiveness – the Passive Aggressive Asian Push-Over
Before diving into a detailed description of Assertiveness, let’s first get clear on the problem.
Too many Asian men fall into the trap of being passive-aggressive Asian pushovers.
To help you better understand what this means, here’s an example that is common in nightclubs in Asia: In a hip hop club in Singapore recently–a club featuring a relatively young crowd–a fight erupted. Apparently, one of the guys felt insulted by another guy, but he just let it go at first. He just turned away and let it simmer.
Then a friend of the other guy came over and taunted him, and again, the guy ignored it and just let it go. Then another friend of the other guy hit on his girlfriend. And finally the guy had had enough – he went berserk, took a beer bottle, and hit the offender over the head. And then all hell broke loose. This is typical of the passive aggressive Asian pushover–he takes it and takes it until he can’t take any more, and then he lashes out violently. It happens every weekend in nightclubs all over Asia.
The Wimpification of Modern Man
Where does this tendency come from? It can be traced back in history, past two centuries and into what I call the wimpification of modern man. There are a couple changes we can note that converged to change masculinity around the world, not just in Asia.
The first was the dawn of the absentee father.
Before the industrial revolution, many sons used to apprentice under their fathers or other men. A man would have a trade and he would bring his son along when the son was old enough to learn the trade; the son would spend the day apprenticing with his dad, his uncle, or some other male role model.
Then, the industrial revolution came along. And the men ended up working away from home, away from their sons.
Eventually this continued into the high-tech revolution, and now many men have gone to office buildings, leaving their sons at home or letting the school systems look after them. I first read about this phenomenon in a book by Robert Glover.
You can probably identify with this. You may have grown up with a father who came home from work every night around 6pm. You may have had a couple of hours with him before bed, and that was it.
This first trend led to the second trend, where children started to be raised and educated entirely by women.
The industrial revolution and the subsequent changes in the way daytime work occurred resulted in homes where boys were raised by their mothers because their fathers worked long hours.
Or, worse yet, some boys have both parents working and they are raised by an outside caretaker instead, either a grandmother, aunt, or female non-relation, like a nanny. Then, they go to school and almost all of their teachers are female. The public school systems in the pre-secondary school level is still dominated by female teachers. I’m not pointing this out to lay blame on anyone yet.
No one is to blame here. I’m just making the point that these boys grew up with little male influence.
The Boiling Point
This feminization of education stands in sharp contrast to education in pre-modern times, which was led by male tutors and male teachers. I’m not saying we should return to premodern education systems! I’m simply pointing out a key reason why Asian men–and men worldwide–have been slowly slipping into a crisis of masculinity.
Having unknowingly abdicated their educational responsibilities to the women, the male father-figures have left their boys to be raised and educated in a feminine way of communication and interaction.
Meanwhile, the fathers are at the factory or the office and are largely unaware of this. Plus, because they’re away from their boys for most of the day, they don’t know their sons well, and their sons don’t know their father figures as well as they would have in a master-apprentice style of relationship as in premodern times.
How many Asian guys do you know, actually feel completely comfortable hanging out with their fathers? How many of them are spending the day doing things alone with their fathers in the modern cities?
Asian boys don’t really know their dads well.
Is being raised and educated almost entirely by women really a problem? The negative results can be seen as as early as nine years old, when the boys begin to act very differently from the girls and testosterone is changing their bodies and their brains.
In fact, neuroscience and psychology studies have shown that an education by dad is very helpful for boys at this stage. The studies show that the rougher talk of fathers prepares children better for the real world. Of course, this is assuming that your dad uses harsh rougher talk, assuming that he is a masculine man.
Research has demonstrated that good dads are those who engage in aggressive play with their boys or have rough play and demonstrate aggressive protection. But many boys today are growing up without this not only because they spend most of their days being raised and educated by women, but also because their own fathers never got this, either.
The Gender Gap and Being a Man
Many psychological differences (and indeed, many physical differences) between the sexes can be traced back to the hormones. Yet some have argued that it is not good for boys to have too much testosterone.
Well-known studies have shown, however, that women subconsciously prefer men with higher levels of testosterone, that they are naturally drawn to such men, especially when they are ovulating. Over millions of years, females have evolved to prefer mating with masculine men.
During the teen years testosterone is flooding male bodies; this is a good thing from an evolutionary perspective because it, attracts women, and any suppression of a boy’s testosterone may hamper his reproductive success.
Unfortunately, testosterone levels in men in Asia and worldwide have been dropping since the World War II era. A big driver behind the modern crisis of masculinity is the alarming decline in male’s testosterone levels, as well as in declining sperm counts.
What does this have to do with our earlier subject, the Asian pushover? I’ve already explored how boys become men, the role of testosterone in that change, and the part played by female role models in modern times.
What is the result? It creates an Asian pushover who takes it on the chin time and again, internalizing his anger, grumbling to himself or his inner circle… or to stomp.com.sg if he’s in Singapore(!). He often “turns the other cheek” until he’s so frustrated by keeping in all his frustration and resentment that he finally explodes in violent anger.
The Asian pushover also avoids not only physical, but also intellectual and emotional confrontations. It extends to classroom settings or into the boardroom; he is loath to disagree, debate, or even just speak his mind. He avoids confrontation of any kind.
These Asian pushovers are, at bottom, cowards. They cave in, to pressure from others. They lack the courage to defend or assert their convictions. Often, they lack conviction because they don’t know what they stand for or what their personal values and principles are. They frequently feel invaded and run over, like a doormat.
Research has shown that those who are victimised by bullying tend over time to radiate detectable vulnerability, communicating to aggressors that they lack the ability to stand up for themselves.
To top it all off, these male pushovers are not sexually attractive to women. Pushovers turn off women. Females have not been evolutionarily adapted to seek out and mate with males who fail to stand up for themselves and for their dependents.
But wait, you say. What about alpha women? Maybe alpha women who can take care of themselves don’t need a big, strong man to protect them and would prefer soft, beta men…?
Well, maybe alpha women would indeed prefer a beta male, omega male, or “soft” man as a provider whom they can control (and for whom they will eventually lose whatever attraction and respect they had), but even these women will not be attracted or aroused by such pushover man sexually. Females have not evolved to prefer males who are pushovers.
To be clear, the Asian pushover has been closely related to, yet is slightly different from, the passive-aggressive male. Often these two traits are found together in the same man, but they can appear separately.
The passive-aggressive male is different because when he disagrees or objects, he won’t tell you directly. This is because he fears taking risks. He will hide his bitterness or resentment until he cannot take it any longer, and then he will explode in an uncontrolled rage.
The Asian pushover is not aggressive… not yet anyway. Often, the way the pushover male he deals with his frustrations is to become passive-aggressive and eventually explode.
Passive-aggressive men seem immature to women; they’re not sexy at all. It’s doubly bad if you’re a passive-aggressive pushover. I could go on and on with examples of how men are becoming less masculine, how the absentee dad contributes to this, how premodern history did not tolerate men who lived this way, and how much women find such traits sexually unattractive in men.
But instead, I will now turn to the positive and examine how you can be the opposite–a man who is properly assertive.
Children raised in traditional Asian cultures usually learn early on to be deferential to elders and to express themselves modestly in public. Throughout Asian history, a strong emphasis was placed on respect for one’s parents and ancestors. This is commonly known as ‘filial piety’ and is almost a defining characteristic of traditional Asian societies.
While filial piety can be an admirable quality, unreflectively acquiescing to arbitrary assertions of authority is plainly detrimental to one’s development in masculinity. Far too often I have seen older persons berate, scold, and even physically beat a younger Asian man simply because the younger man dared to talk back to his elder. There is a time for dignified silence, for “taking it like a man,” or even for “turning the other cheek,” but such occasions in socially free societies are now relatively rare.
Instead of standing up for himself, the weak Asian man hides his ideas and insights out of a feigned show of respect, which is further compounded by a false humility. Asian cultures often champion an ethic of modesty.
As a child learning Mandarin Chinese, I was taught that the proper response to a compliment is to reject it. We were taught to respond to a compliment by replying, “Nali nali, mama huhu,” which basically means, “Not at all. I’m just mediocre.”
You were to say this even if you had every reason to be proud of your accomplishment. What does it do to a boy to force him to repeat that he is just mediocre every time someone praises him? Eventually, he internalizes some of this, surmising that the correct attitude is to think little of his own accomplishments, not to “toot his own horn.” Clearly, the result is Asian adults with either low self-esteem or habitually false pretenses to modesty. Both are unattractive. And those suffering from the former end up needing assertiveness training.
The empowered Asian man is comfortable with his views and communicates them confidently. If he has thought through an idea well, and he knows that other people would benefit from hearing his ideas, he readily speaks up, even, or especially, in a crowd or high-pressure situations. Moreover, he does not tolerate disrespect of his time, property, or person.
This is not to say that the sex-worthy Asian man is domineering or selfishly takes his pleasure at the expense of others. While he puts himself and his life first, he always takes into account the needs and desires of others.
As long as his desires are not unlawful and present no reasonable grounds for complaint from others, he should assert himself and feel free to express his thoughts and desires.
I have heard far too often in Asian settings, particularly in settings like Singapore in which people have a disproportionate preponderance of self-limiting beliefs about social behaviour, that while he would like to assert himself by approaching a group of cute girls with an outrageous opener (perhaps by moon walking around them as they talked), this sort of behaviour would bother or disturb the strangers walking or standing nearby.
But in public social settings an empowered Asian man should feel free to do whatever he wants as long as his actions are within the bounds of the law and do no real harm to others. If starting a fun conversation with strangers makes some bystanders feel uncomfortable, then that is the problem of those bystanders. The empowered Asian man is not constrained by the limiting beliefs of others.
He is indifferent to arbitrary social norms.
You can’t let those around you dictate your place in life. You’ve got to learn to stand up for yourself. It’s not as frightening as it sounds. Trust me. Most people have never consciously practiced asserting themselves and most will give in to any kind of social pressure you put on them.
Often, just the act of staking your own social space is enough to impel them to cave in. But you’ve got to be ready and willing to claim it. Like the opening lines of Jack Nicholson’s character, Francis “Frank” Costello, in the movie, The Departed, affirms,
“I don’t want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me…. A man makes his own way. No one gives it to you. You have to take it.”
Almost without exception, women everywhere are attracted to men who can assert themselves confidently and who have complete social freedom. In modern times, we rarely have to defend ourselves from outright physical aggression. Rather, predation and aggression come far more commonly in the form of social power.
A key part of developing the habit of asserting yourself is desensitizing yourself to social pressure. The idea is similar to how “desensitization” is used in behavior therapy and to some kinds of assertiveness training.
You expose yourself in relatively controlled settings to stimuli that are low on your fear/anxiety hierarchy. You become progressively de-conditioned to each successive level, and you move up your hierarchy until you can confidently handle the worst stimulus.
For example, if you find yourself unable to assert yourself in social settings, especially around strangers, then you can begin by going to a crowded place. Once there, attempt to hold eye contact with someone attractive until they break the eye contact first.
Do this with three strangers in a row. If they come over to you and ask you why you’re looking at them like that, you can reply that you thought they looked like someone you know.
You can then progress to simply asking strangers for the time and then for directions. And then you can try having impromptu conversations with the strangers for at least a minute or two. Then you can go on to making small talk with customer service staff for a few minutes without buying any products or services.
At more advanced stages, you can practice telling embarrassing stories or jokes, first in front of groups of friends and then in front of groups of strangers. At this point, you will have reached at least an average level of social freedom.
Other things you can try are dancing or singing at random times in front of groups of friends and then in front of strangers.
Or, here is a real challenge: You can pick a random time during the day to lie down for one minute on a sidewalk in the city, in a café, or in a shopping mall and have people walk around you. When you can do this, or something similar, you will have reached a level of social assertiveness that is generally above average.
There are plenty of other things you can do to progressively desensitize yourself to irrational social pressure, but those examples should point you in the right direction.
The goal is for you to be able to dominate any level of social settings or discussion in which you might find yourself. You should feel free to speak your thoughts among groups of strangers without hesitation, doubt, or second-guessing. You should have overcome your social anxieties and inhibitions and be naturally assertive, even in situations in which many other people might be timid or passive.
Making Your Move
The time is now to start making your move towards social freedom and dating satisfaction. As you practice becoming more assertive you will begin to feel more confident. As you feel more confident it will become easier to be more assertive. The cycle will perpetuate itself until you feel highly assertive and women are finding you extremely attractive. Of course, you are not going to stop there. Next, you are going to get sexy.
Adventurous and Easygoing
We know that women want men, not boys. And, in terms of evolutionary history, they want men who are willing to take risks, to rescue them and keep them safe. But the momma’s boy doesn’t take any risks because he is too busy waiting for his mother’s approval.
And now it’s finally time to address the big elephant in the Singapore room: The evolution of the proverbial Asian momma’s boy. I’ll also be drawing applications to show how the momma’s boy in you can become an independent, adventurous, easy-going dude who gets the girls he wants.
Am I blaming the parents? Not at all! They most likely had the best of intentions. But as an adult now, it’s important that you come to grips with why they did what they did and how you can make the best of that, while also building on what you’ve been given to create something even better and stronger.
Breaking Up with Mommy is Hard to Do
Many Asian men, especially in Singapore, were conditioned to defer to authority figures and elderly people and were raised to feel an extreme need for parental approval. These are closely related. And while it’s good to respect authority and care about your parents’ opinions, it is not good for an adult male to take these to an excessive degree.
Recently, I had a Singapore client for a fashion consultation who was advised to alter his bowl cut hairstyle into something more modern. After just a day experimenting with his new hairstyle, he came to me and said he couldn’t keep his new hairstyle, that it had literally driven his mom to tears. She couldn’t handle the change, so he had to go back to his old bowl cut.
Though he was in his 20s, this guy couldn’t change his hairstyle because his mom wouldn’t like it. Of course, if he could not make such a small, basic change, this man had no chance making the changes necessary in his personality to become sexually attractive.
This is not an isolated incident. I have had a number of rich clients who have driven their Ferrari’s or Lamborghini’s to our meetings, paid ten grand for a personal consultation, and yet are still dependent on their moms to buy their underwear.
Unfortunately, if I give you great tips, but you can’t carry them out because your mom doesn’t approve, your social life is not going to improve. Forget sex, you won’t even get a date. I can’t work miracles; you do have to make some changes. Your mom probably doesn’t like what sexy young women like.
You have to make a choice.
The best thing is to actually go through that rite of passage that most North Americans undergo after high school:
Move out on your own.
Mom doesn’t want to see you with a sexy haircut because she’s uncomfortable thinking of you as a sexual being at all. That makes perfect sense. So don’t make it hard on her. Get your independence, live on your own, and then you can be a lot more free to decide for yourself what your new hairstyle, fashion, and lifestyle will be like.
Yes, your mother’s opinion is important. But this does not mean she should dictate every tiny step that you take. Singaporeans, in particular, bring this issue up much more frequently than any other Asian group I know. They think that they are honouring their Chinese heritage by always obeying their patients.
But the examples and cases they bring up are not about honouring their parents.
They’re about obeying your parents. But obeying and honouring are two different things. When it comes to obedience, if the parent doesn’t want you to do it, you don’t; and if they tell you to do X you are supposed to do X. And in Singapore, it seems like it doesn’t matter how old you are. It doesn’t matter if you’re 14 or 34. No matter what, you’re supposed to obey your parents.
What a great mindset to make yourself as sexually unattractive as possible
I’ve seen intelligent, professional Singapore men turn down promotions because it would require them to move out of the country, and their mom cried at the thought of them leaving her home So he turned down the promotion. It’s pretty ridiculous that his mom’s neediness has prevented him from progressing in his career. This isn’t even about dating or women, this is his career and money.
And these Singaporean men mistakenly think it’s okay because it is the “Chinese” thing to give up and sacrifice your good for your parents’ preferences.
I’ll tell you right now it’s not.
Honouring and obeying are two different things.
What is a momma’s boy? It’s an adult male who is still dependent on his mother’s approval, or worse, his mother’s permission to do things.
Oh, and by the way, if you don’t know this already, momma’s boys are a huge turn-off to women.
What could be worse? The fact that this if the momma’s boy doesn’t fix his co-dependency on his mother while he still can, the trend will only continue as he gets older. When the momma’s boy does get a girl, he simply turns from delegating all decisions to his mother to delegating all decisions to his girlfriend/fiancee/wife, who has essentially become his surrogate mother.
How sexy is that?!
I’ve had an overwhelming number of Singaporean women comment to me that the reason why they prefer expat men is because the Singaporean men that they’ve dated have all acted like boys. They live with their mommies, they wait for their mommy to do things for them, and they end up treating her like his surrogate mommy. Women want independent men who take risks.
The objection could be, “Hey, how could we have Asian momma’s boys? I thought Asians made strict parents. How could they raise a momma’s boy? Doesn’t a momma’s boy come from a mother who pampers and spoils the boy all the time?”
The answer is, No. That’s a misconception.
Momma’s boys are not created by spoiling the boy. Momma’s boys are created in strict environments that deny them independence but that meet their other basic needs within the limits of that freedom.
A momma’s boy is not someone who is just a spoiled, pampered, prince. A momma’s boy is someone who is denied the freedom to make his own choices, so he ends up becoming dependent on the primary caregiver, whether it’s the mother, the father, the tutor, or whoever has been delegated the child raising role.
If they don’t ever develop this independence they’re going to remain dependent, obviously. That’s how momma’s boys are created. It’s not through being spoiled.
An Asian momma’s boy does not result from abusive child raising; it’s not like he’s Cinderella. He’s not locked in a basement, denied food, forced to do manual labor, or things like that.
The two trends that have to come together to make a momma’s boy is a strict (but not abusive) environment, so there are a lot of rules to follow, and things the child cannot do, but within those rules all of his other needs are met. This creates dependency in him. Don’t give them any decision-making freedom, but then you make sure that all of his other needs are taken care of.
The child then doesn’t need to make any decisions. He gets enough food and pampering so that, within his jail cell, he’s comfortable. This is how he gets lulled into complacency. If mom packs your lunch into your teenage years, you are becoming a momma’s boy.
The Asian momma’s boy has a mom who feeds him, cuts his food, tells him how to dress and wear his hair, tells him where to live, and so on, well past his teenage years. If you are 23 and your mom is doing your laundry and ironing your underwear, you’ve got a problem.
Welcome to the Momma’s Boys Club.
In researching this phenomena of Asian Momma’s boys, I found an interesting TIME magazine report; it’s funny because the headline said it was shocking news. Apparently, it is shocking that 30% of men in Italy between the ages of 30 and 34 still live with their mothers. The article pondered how 37% of men in Italy, or anywhere else in the world, could still live with Mom after the age of 30.
Funny, because my personal experience, which is just anecdotal, seems to suggest that the rate is much higher than this for single Singaporean men between 30 and 34; I think that upwards of 90% are living with their mommy. Maybe TIME magazine should come to Singapore and check this situation out.
You know, this isn’t just about you; this is actually causing a national problem. Since the 1980s the Singapore government has been concerned about the low birthrate of the educated classes. Studies have shown that not only are people putting off having babies, they’re also putting off getting married.
And on top of that they’re also putting off romantic relationships. Many of these people say they are too wrapped up in their careers, but in my experience that is not the real reason. They seem to have plenty of time to play computer games, surf the net, and just sit at home while mommy folds their laundry.
Too many Asian men exist (who can call it living?) in this relationship of dependence on his caregivers. You have got to break free if you want to attract women. Let’s back up a minute and look at how the momma’s boy phenomena all started.
Dependence, Approval, and Tiger Parenting
Of course, coming into the world we are totally helpless. We rely on our parents to do everything for us. Furthermore, we are very egocentric, we think that the entire world revolves around us. And to be fair, in our subjectivity, it actually does. If your parents were the type to continually coddle you, attend to you constantly, and never let you take one step without holding your hand, you learned that in fact the world does revolve around you.
Yet, if you had challenging parents who had extremely high expectations and pushed you too hard, the fact that you were born with an egocentric mindset probably caused you to feel that you were the reason for every emotion your parents had; if they were happy, you did it, but if they were unhappy then that was your fault too.
You built the world around you, unconsciously we all do. Humans are born with abandonment issues and an egocentric need. An amazing resource on “nice guys” and abandonment issues is Robert Glover’s No More Mr. Nice Guy. Highly recommended. Of course, Asians have it even worse, because they have all these and more.
You have probably heard of tiger moms or tiger dads. Amy Chua, a professor of law at Yale University, coined the term tiger mom in her book on the topic. Her book, Battle Helm of the Tiger Mother, is a popular parenting memoir. Eventually, Chua would say that this book and the subsequent Wall Street Journal article was not her current parenting style, that it was satire, that it showed how she changed during parenthood, and that it was supposed to be funny.
Yet, many people took it to heart. Many parents took this book as a call to action, using it to point out the deficiencies in American parenting and point out why Chinese parenting is superior.
In the article, Chua told how her two daughters were never allowed to attend a sleepover, have a play date, be in a school play, complain about not being in a school play, watch TV or play computer games, or choose their own extracurricular activities. She said that they could not get any grade less than an A.
They had to be the number one student in every subject, except gym and drama because those aren’t important. They could not play any instrument other than the piano or violin, and they had to play the piano or the violin. Sound familiar? This is the tiger mom and dad way of raising your child.
In many cases this is considered Asian parenting–the emphasis on getting good grades, the emphasis on only pursuing classical extracurricular subjects. Interestingly, the Asian emphasis does not appear to involve getting a good job. Many of the Asian Americans and Asians around the world are good at things like computers and math.
And you might think that this is because their parents are forcing them to study things that are practical, that will get them a good job. But this has never really been the issue. The Asian focus is not on getting a job; that’s a very modern thing. The Asian focus is on getting good grades.
No matter what you are graded on, you have got to get a good grade, only excepting subjects that are intellectually inferior, such as physical education or drama. In fact, if you are Asian and you get a 97 percent on test, your parents won’t give you money or cookies like your white classmates get from their parents. Instead, your parents will scold you for missing the three percent.
I’m only half-joking here.
Tiger parenting is strict business. However, the reason why it resonated so well with so many people who read about this was because there is quite a lot of truth in it; children raised like this often do well in school.
I knew a tiger parenting couple who raised five children, all of whom went on to medical school. Not only this, but they started medical school years before other students did; they were exceptional.
I knew another Asian kid who got into medical school in his early 20s, and by the time he started med school, he had a Royal Conservatory of Music ARCT certification in piano, was a certified sailing instructor, was an airline pilot, marathon runner and award winning ballroom dancer, among other things. Many people just thought, “Of course. He’s Asian.”
But this isn’t about natural brains, this is about parental expectations.
What does this do to the boys? Maybe this parenting style is effective for girls to get ahead in the world at least. It definitely has been shown to be effective in getting kids to do well in school.
But, what else happens to the boys?
It communicates to them that they are not okay just as they are. It communicates to them that they are only lovable when they live up to their parents’ expectations. So, when they get the good grades, when they obey their parents and when they get into the good colleges or they place first in the piano competition, then they’ve lived up to their parent’s expectations, and only then they are worthy of love and affection.
That’s the message anyway.
They also learn that the needs of others are more important than their own needs. Their decisions are taken out of their hands because their desires are not taken into account.
All of this communicates to these children that the love and affection of the parents is conditional.
The result is that the boys blame themselves for everything; they infer that there must be something wrong with them, because their parents yell at them and because they can’t make their parents happy, because their parents are disappointed in them, because their parents have to do everything for them.
They think that they are not good enough.
In short, when they depend on their parents and do as they are told, they are rewarded. Anything done to please themselves is punished. They feel they are not good enough and only deserve love when they please others. The momma’s boy is born.
Unfortunately, it gets worse. This momma’s boy then starts to apply this thinking to the rest of his life. He thinks that not only are his parents’ love and affection conditional, but also society’s goodness to him is conditional, and the affection and attention of women are conditional.
He forms the underlying belief that he is not good enough to attract women just as he is, that he is unworthy of them just the way he is.
Instead, he already believes he must to do lots of extra things to get their approval.
So, the Asian boy concludes that if he can hide his flaws, if he becomes what he thinks others want him to be, then he will be loved. Tiger parenting then creates a dependent, approval seeking, momma’s boy.
It’s not just the way these Asian males relate to their parents, but the way they view the world, the way they interact with authority figures, bosses at work, teachers at school, the women they look up to, the men they respect, and the women they are in love with.
They feel that they are not just not good enough as they are, that they have to do extra work to win approval.
The biggest problem now is that women are not attracted to men who seek the approval of women. Actually, that is the height of unattractiveness in a man.
So, if you were raised this way or have these tendencies, what can you do? Let’s look at some of the application points. We’ve looked at how you got into the position in the first place.
So, what to do?
Instead of turning people into surrogate mothers, you must work to seek your own approval. You’ve got to decide for yourself what you want to see in your life and go about finding that and achieving that. To do this you’ve got to become self-validating. This starts when you identify the specific problem.
In the next paragraph, we’ll be looking at how you can break free from your dependency and become a sexually attractive man who is adventurous and easygoing and attracts the kind of women you really want.
Developing Independence and Eliminating Approval-Seeking Behaviour
So you grew up with strict, demanding parents and ended up with an approval-seeking personality, especially from women. You’re now needy and regularly feel like you’re having your boundaries violated, especially by women. What to do?
You have to identify your own approval-seeking behaviours.
Actually, pay attention to your actions, and when you find yourself acting or thinking in such a way as to seek someone’s approval, note it down.
Really, open the Notes function on your phone, and just jot it down.
Then set a period of time to stop doing those specific behaviours.
Decide that for a week or a month, you will completely stop doing that behaviour.
For example, maybe you realize that you wash your car a lot because you’re concerned about what people think about you based on how clean your car is. This is approval-seeking behaviour.
You’re deriving some measure of your self-worth from whether and how much other people validate you. So, stop doing that for a month. Don’t wash your car for a month and as it becomes dirtier and dirtier, especially if you’re in Canada in the winter, it turns into… well, you can’t even look out the window.
Okay, for safety purposes, you may want to clean the windows. But otherwise, just let it get nasty. And finally, see what happens. You’ll discover that people don’t really care how clean your car is, at least, they won’t judge you for it. And even if they did, it’s great that you’re not seeking their approval anymore, and you are, in fact, incurring their disapproval.
As you stop doing that approval-seeking behaviour, you might actually begin incurring some disapproval, and that’s a good thing. You are learning to live without the approval of others. Or, you just might see that no one cares at all, that this desperate need to please everyone was all in your head. It’s all an illusion that you think a certain behaviour will bring you approval from those you seek approval from.
You can practice this in a hundred ways. Just be on the look-out for your own approval-seeking behaviour. For instance, dress how YOU want, without thinking about how others will perceive you.
Dress for you!
Once you find that you can do the behaviour without having the approval-seeking emotion attached to it, then you can return to that behaviour and do it again if you want.
So, in other words, if you’ve found that, after going a month with a dirty car, you are washing your car because you just like to have a clean car, then go ahead and clean it, because you can do this without seeking anyone else’s approval except your own.
By attacking this approval-seeking problem head on you realize that NOT seeking approval is NOT going to kill you.
As you do this, you learn to put yourself and your needs first.
Many Asian men think that this is somehow selfish. Ironically, this is what makes you more attractive and what others want you to do, too. Others want you to put yourself and your needs first.
You might think that they’d rather you put their needs first. Obviously, there are some immoral people who’d rather you withdrew all your money at the bank and gave it to them.
Yeah, sure, but if it’s in a relationship, they want you to do what you want to do. Remember, people are repelled by co-dependent personalities. Do not become co-dependent.
Ironically, to please others, you actually have to please yourself first.
Putting yourself first does not mean being cruel or ignoring people’s needs. Rather, it means looking after your own needs first and doing what you want to do foremost. If you want to go to a movie, and none of your friends want to, forget about them and go see the movie on your own.
That’s what being independent means.
And it’s incredibly sexy. You might be surprised when others follow you.
Now practice this, take a week or a month and practice putting yourself first when you want to do something, do it. See how that feels. Obviously, don’t do anything illegal or anything that would harm anybody else’s health.
During this time ensure that you are always doing positive self-affirmations.
This simply means talking to yourself in a positive way. Look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself:
“I do not need the approval of others. I wish to please myself.”
The idea here is to look at what you need to become, and work on one item at a time. We have said that you have to start by NOT seeking approval constantly. Then, you work on pleasing yourself and on being assertive, a leader.
Next, work on developing an adventurous side. The idea is, if you take these things one at a time, and work on one really hard for weeks or months, you can really incorporate it into your new personality.
Then, you work on the next one. By doing one at a time it is not overwhelming, you can see the impact it has, and then at the end you can work on doing all of them and becoming a more sexually desirable man.
In a poignant scene of the Martin Scorsese film, Hugo, the main character–an orphaned boy–remarked that he wanted to do something, to which the female lead–his “love” interest–replied, “No, it’s too dangerous. We could get into trouble.”
To this the heroic boy replied, “That’s how we know it’s an adventure!”
To have an adventure, to truly be a sexual male, occasionally you have to take some risks. Sometimes, this necessitates breaking arbitrary rules. I’m not suggesting you rob a bank or anything, just that you break out of your little comfort zone and have some fun.
You may be like me and grew up learning the Chinese word guai. This is often translated as well-behaved, but it means more than that. A guai child will automatically and naturally make extra effort and go the extra mile to show his respect for the rules, to his seniors, and to whatever social hierarchy is imposed upon him.
This often results in a lot of Asian boys growing up to be sheltered momma’s boys who have played it safe all through their childhood and youth. My parents were loving and caring and wanted the best for me. But to them, that meant sheltering me, protecting me from taking risks or making mistakes.
They were well intentioned but ultimately, it stunted my social growth. They weren’t alone in this either, as many of my Chinese Canadian friends also led similarly sheltered teenage lives.
For just one example of my sheltered youth, consider that I wasn’t allowed to ride on the Toronto subway system (MRT) until I was 16 years old. I was taught that it was a risky place and that I had to be extra cautious there.
I think my parents had seen too many TV shows and movies depicting New York’s old subway system. Recall that back in those days, Toronto was known as, Toronto the Good, for its extraordinarily low crime rate. And the relatively small subway system was squeaky clean.
You can imagine the ribbing I got from my non-Asian friends when they found out how nervous, worried, and scared I was of riding the subway by myself in the middle of the afternoon at 16 years old. I still remember the first time I rode the subway by myself to meet friends at the amusement park.
I quadruple-checked that I was on the right platform, going in the right direction, and I was very wary of anyone around me.
I looked anxiously at the station names as each station went by one by one. Luckily, I didn’t have to make any transfers or that would have been the end of me, LOL.
By the time I finally made it out of the station exit, I was so relieved, I felt like shouting triumphantly… Yeah, it was pretty pathetic.
And it gets worse. Throughout my high school years, I had a curfew of 6 PM when my non-Asian peers were generally allowed to stay out until 9 or 10 PM. If I wanted to go out after 6 PM with friends, I would have to fill out a one-page permission form and get my parents to sign it at least one day in advance, and then I had to submit it to my parents for their records I could go on. If you were raised in a strict, overachieving Asian environment, I’m guessing you could too.
As I grew up, a critical lesson I had to learn was that I needed to become more adventurous, to be ready to take more risks, to practice putting it all on the line. Women want a man who is willing and able to take risks for the good of her and her offspring. Sensing that you are brave enough to conquer your fears and take calculated risks is a major turn-on for her.
Now, let me say one thing here, just in case you end up going overboard with this advice. This is not a license to run amok or to endanger the well-being of others. I’m not telling you to mimic the dangerous stunts in movies like Jackass. Do not take mindless, stupid risks. I’m not saying that you should be that obnoxious drunk guy, having his offensive fun at the expense of others. Taking dangerous risks for little reward is not smart.
I’m not suggesting that you jump onto the top of a moving train like James Bond, or leap from one rooftop to the next in New York City like some sort of Spiderman.
Adventurous does not mean stupid.
It means that you are willing to take some risks when the potential reward outweighs the potential danger. Have fun and take risks, yes. But make sure other people are having fun, too, and are not harmed in the process.
Being more adventurous doesn’t just get you more women, it will also make you happier in the long run. Surveys of elderly people asking them what they wished they had done differently in life almost invariably found this thought at the top of the list: I wish I had taken more chances.
You need to just take the plunge and live life to the fullest. This means taking some chances. You can get started right away by taking twenty minutes to brainstorm everything you want to do or experience before you die. The trick is to really set aside the twenty minutes. Use a timer. And then don’t stop writing. If you’re like me, the last five or ten minutes will be hard. You’ve probably run out of things to write. But keep at it.
Just keep brainstorming and writing things down. At the end of the exercise, you’ll be surprised at how much more living you could do and how many more life adventures you can look forward to.
Often, adventure isn’t adventurous without some element of risk and fear. To become an adventurous person, you’ve got to get used to taking risks and overcoming your fear.
This risk-aversion and fearfulness often starts at a young age. Perhaps you never stayed out all night talking with friends on some dark playground in the middle of nowhere. Your parents simply wouldn’t allow it. You were too afraid to break curfew and face the consequences.
But now you’re an adult. So just do it. Have an adventure and accept that the consequences will likely be worth it because you are going to have an adventure. And, you are going to show yourself that you are a rule-breaking adventurer.
Why is it so difficult for Asians to break the rules? How did this stereotype of the uptight Asian come about?
Challenges to developing your adventurous side will likely come from fear. Fear of what others might say, of course, but also simply your own natural fears. Let’s look at dealing with your fear.
Start by identifying any specific fears you would like to overcome. Perhaps you are afraid of heights, and this has kept you from taking some small risks, like you couldn’t even go on the Ferris wheel at a local carnival. Now is the time to face this fear.
Expose yourself to some heights that are safe but still cause you some anxiety and work on desensitizing yourself. For example, go to a tall building that has an observatory and look down for a long time. Work on forcing yourself to relax while you do it. If necessary, you can step away from the window, regain your calm, and then re-approach the window. Do this until you feel more comfortable with that height.
Then next time, increase it. This is about having the willpower and desire to face your fears and overcome them instead of having them overcome you.
Another way of developing your adventurous side as a man is to engage in activities that are more masculine. Put down your iPad and your school books and get dirty. Spend some time in the forest doing physical, rough things.
Learn how to fire a gun, or maybe go skydiving. Learn how to defend yourself with martial arts or weapons. Go dirt bike racing in the mountains. Activities like these will help you become more adventurous. The more you do these activities, the more your personality will be molded by those experiences.
The Power of Vulnerability
Opening yourself up to risk and the possibility of being hurt is an important step in reclaiming your masculine power. You cannot be strong if you’re living with a closed heart. It’s very weak to close up and not allow people into your life just because it puts you in a vulnerable situation. Too many guys get shot down once or twice and then they close up out of fear that it will happen again.
Remember, it requires power and masculinity to live with the risk of rejection and to live with a hurting heart. But masculine strength is all about getting back up after you’ve been hit and to keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.
Let’s look at an example. Let’s say you’re much shorter than the average guy, and instead of dating girls that are taller than you, you close up and only befriend girls who are shorter than you. You also avoid situations where it’s possible that people could tease you for being short. This means you avoid clubs, particularly those that might have taller guys there and anywhere else you fear you might be compared to taller men.
You end up building your life around avoidance, which is very cowardly and unattractive.
Over time, these behaviours shape your character and personality. They make you into even more of a weak man.
And then let’s say that somehow — by some miracle — you get together with an emotionally strong woman, a woman with a lot of options, and she’s chosen to spend her time with you.
She is going to expect more of you, she’s going to have higher standards than you even have for yourself.
One of those things that she will expect from you is that you know how to deal with pain or discomfort, that you can deal with a difficult situation, even teasing, and be a man, grow through the pain, and come out stronger and better for it.
How does a masculine man deal with these embarrassing or painful situations?
Well, in the face of pain or embarrassment he does not run or hide. He does not complain about it like a little girl – that’s what weak people do.
Be empowered by your pain. That’s a mark of a masculine man.
Feel that pain and act decisively from that place. Do not react to a painful situation by hiding or shutting down. That’s what weak men do, that’s what children do.
Instead of running away you should open yourself up physically, first, because this sense of physical openness will help you open you emotionally – the body and brain are connected. If you can’t get your body into the right position it’s going to be really hard for you to get your mind into the right position, into the right state.
First, notice your bodily reactions. Notice that when someone hurts you, your instinctive reaction is to close up, to become guarded. I’ve seen Asian guys do it all the time.
When someone is bitching at some Asian guy who is not empowered and independent he will slouch, hunch over, cross his arms, and make himself seem smaller.
This is how he feels – small.
This is how we guard ourselves, physically and emotionally.
But it is weak.
Instead, open up. Open up your posture. Breathe deeply, straighten your posture, if you are sitting then sit straight up. If you are standing, then stand straight up, throw your shoulders back, open up your chest, and breathe deeply, from the depths of your diaphragm.
Then, look whoever is hurting you, look at him or her directly in the eyes.
Don’t do this in a confrontational way. Instead, just gaze, observe.
Feel the pain. Don’t run from it. By feeling the pain, you will begin the process of training yourself to take the pain and grow from it.
Only then can you begin to take control over whatever is hurting you. You will never gain control over pain if you run from it, deny it, or withdraw from it.
As you look into the eyes of whomever is doing this to you, try to feel how they’re feeling. Try to take in as much as of the situation as you can, all of the subtleties of it, including your own feelings and sensations.
Unless you open yourself to emotion during situations of hurt, you will be unable to respond masterfully. You’ll be unable to respond with your full potential. Instead, open yourself up, feel the pain, stand strong, and respond from a place of rooted strength.
Independence through Solitude and Physical Activity
A key step in developing that irresistibly sexy aura that comes from independence is by conditioning yourself to be comfortable in solitude.
Spend some quiet time alone, even if you are an extrovert. You can go to a crowded Starbucks, but be alone to reflect on your life.
Take some time out by yourself to reflect on what you really want in life and to just be with your thoughts.
In all of the busy-ness of modern life, especially if you live in a big city, you need to have this time to live as a fully actualised, fully empowered man.
Feeling confident in your own *physical* independence is also very important.
On the most basic level this means learning to live on your own. Once you have done that, you can look at survival skills. Can you swim? Start a fire in the jungle? Stay alive on your own? Learn how to drive a car and ride a motorcycle.
Life skills will make you feel more independent, and that will make you self-confident, self-reliant, and truly independent, emotionally and physically.
Any woman will be able to put her trust in you more easily when you are self-confident and physically independent.
To sum up this whole section on Independence, becoming an empowered Asian man means developing your own independence. Obviously, you can have ambition. You can have goals for the future. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be content with where you’re at in life and who you are right now, today.
It means that you have to strive to find out what motivates you now and how you can be a better man now, while also working towards your future goals.
Once you have the self-confidence and independence that you need today, you can take on any challenge, any teasing, any uncomfortable situation, and emerge a stronger man.
You will become comfortable and easygoing. You will feel free to take risks. You’ll be independent and self-sufficient. And you’ll be a leader in your own life. This will prepare you to lead other people.
Unlike what tiger parents communicated to you, or your tiger society communicated to you, you are okay just as you are. And that’s the big secret to success in relationships and in society.
You must first get to that most basic foundation, where you have accepted yourself and you have decided for yourself what you want from your life. Then you can develop independence and become an adventurer that every hot woman around you will be irresistibly attracted to.
Thus far, we have examined five personality traits that characterize the sexually attractive Asian man: being a leader, assertive, adventurous, easygoing, and sexual. In many respects, all these traits lead back to one over-riding trait: Independence. The journey to becoming a sexually empowered man requires developing a quality of independence that is not always encouraged in Asian society.
Independence is the last piece of the puzzle, a piece that you must have in order to activate the other traits. You simply can’t be assertive, you can’t be a leader, you can’t be sexual, and you would find it incredibly difficult to become adventurousness or easy going if you are not independent.
Independence starts with accepting yourself as you are and recognizing that you don’t have to please everyone else.
It means being strong and confident, physically and emotionally, but also having the strength to show vulnerability and experience your emotions. It means staying independent even within the confines of a relationship.
The first step to developing independence is to accept yourself. You need to give yourself acceptance before you can make any other changes that last. You need mentally and emotionally to acknowledge that you are the way you are – including your strengths but also your weaknesses, flaws, and imperfections – and only then can you make any permanent progress.
I know this might sound paradoxical. The idea is that you must acknowledge the way you currently are but that you’d like to strive for even more. Before you can effect any lasting change, you have to accept your starting point. Regardless of how bad the state is in which you currently find yourself, it is still where you currently find yourself.
You have to accept that this is your starting point before you can push forward. You must accept yourself before you can be strong and be accepted by others.
As adult children Asian’s cannot expect continuous accolades from mom and dad. Your parents aren’t going to praise you for every accomplishment or give you hugs every time they see you. It just doesn’t work that way. Instead, you need to give that positive reinforcement to yourself, know in your own eyes that you did well and let that be enough.
You are the person that you want to please.
Let’s look at that idea, that to develop independence you need to please yourself. This starts by rewarding yourself and treating yourself. There are a lot of ways to treat yourself. If you have lived very frugally your entire life, treat yourself by spending a little money on something you have always wanted. Maybe you have wanted to get in shape, create a nice six pack, but you didn’t want to pay for a gym membership… just do it.
Think about all the things you have done to please others. Now, put some of that same energy towards pleasing yourself for a bit. It is important to point out that this is not all about enjoying yourself in the short term; it can be about developing discipline and getting yourself healthier so you look and feel better; taking care of yourself is also part of treating yourself.
Treating yourself means taking care of your body. Getting exercise is one way that you do that – when you exercise you win in three ways. When you get yourself to the gym regularly, you get the reward of knowing that you are doing something for yourself, and no one else. This tells your unconscious that you are worthy of good things.
Also, you get to feel healthy and fit and live longer. Finally, you create a body that women want. These three things have to be enough to make up for the membership fee and the time you spend working out. So, make the time in your schedule, force yourself to be disciplined and get to the gym.
You may be surprised to read this, but you probably also need to sleep more.
Too many Asian males work 50, 60, 70 or even 80 hours a week, all in an effort to get the approval of others, whether it is your boss or your parents. Many men do this for so many years that eventually they just break down. Prevent this by pulling back just a bit, cut your hours to something more reasonable.
Most importantly, make sure that you are getting enough sleep. Actually, any type of relaxation would probably make you feel better, so be sure you relax, read a book, treat yourself to a massage, or take a vacation.
Do what works for you; identify the things that you have dreamed about, but have never done, things you have been putting off, and do them. Whether it is teeth whitening or guitar lessons, just get out there and live the life you have been thinking about.
I can look at most of my Asian clients and just see that they do not take care of themselves. They are out of shape. They always look tired or stressed out. They wear boring, outdated clothes, have bad teeth and wear glasses. This is not treating yourself well. Take care of yourself, do things for you, so that you feel good and look your best. Then, you will begin to attract women naturally.
Stay Independent, Even in a Relationship
Another way of developing independence is to train yourself to be more decisive and take action. When you’re with a woman especially, don’t force her to make decisions. When you’re on a date, decide for yourself what you want to happen. Decide where you want to go, what you want to eat, and plan it all out.
You obviously want to take into account her preferences, her desires, and all of that. In fact, go ahead and ask about those, but in the end, be sure that you are the one who makes the final decision and takes initiative.
Why? Because most women want to relax in the comfort of your direction. Some women might take the feminist road and say no, no, this is so sexist because we women, we don’t need men anymore; we can do it ourselves. And it is true that women are obviously getting more and more successful and more on par with men in the professional world and so on.
But you’re not acting decisively because you think she actually needs you to do that. You are taking the initiative because you are a masculine man and because she wants to relax when on a date; she wants the man to be decisive, take charge, and be a leader.
Once you start to follow this advice, you will find that girls will enjoy going out with you. This is when you have to be careful to maintain your independence even when you get into a relationship.
Too many Asian men treat their girlfriend as if she were a surrogate mother. In fact, men all around the world too often let their lives get totally absorbed by their relationship with the girlfriend. They allow their whole lives to revolve around her.
They stop hanging out with any female friends, they had before and eventually they stop hanging out with their guy friends, too. This is bad on so many levels. First, even in a happy relationship you can never be all things for each other – you both need friends. Second, if you eventually break up, you now have no female support, and you have let all your friends go.
Despite what they say, this is not what women want either. As one friend of mine put it, “Women don’t want to be an adventure, they want to join an adventure.” Women do not want a man who gives up his entire self and life to be with them; that is the opposite of sexy.
Another common error among guys that are not independent is that, as I’ve discussed earlier in the Manifesto, they feel like they need to earn a woman’s approval. One result of this is that they invest too much materially, in money or gifts. People invest money and time into things that they value. What you want to do is turn it around, make her value you to the point that she spends her time or money showing that she values you.
Remember, also, that even in a relationship you both need to have outside interests. Having a life outside of each other will make you more interesting to each other. This means that you should spend time out with the boys, doing guy things with your guy friends. Also, let your girlfriend have girl time with her friends (but be careful: if she wants more than a few “girls’ nights out” a year, that is a huge red flag).
You should both strive to maintain your independence. This will add to your quality of life and make you more attractive to each other.
Remember, women want to join a man in his exciting adventure of life. They want to share in his passions. They want to join his cause and see him fulfill his greater purpose in life.
Creating Purpose and Finding Passion
Too many Asian men tend to have their entire lives wrapped up in work, money and pleasing others. To be independent, happy and attractive to women you must create a sense of self that is independent of your job and money. If you are over 25, you have likely wondered if your life has a higher purpose. I’m not talking about some higher “meaning of life” or God, I mean just finding something you’re passionate about that helps you and others.
Think about the path your life is on now.
Perhaps you are somewhat successful in your field, but you are working too much, either at your actual job or at pleasing others. Like a good Asian boy, you make no time for yourself. You are afraid to spend any of your money because you were taught to save.
Where will this get you? Sure, when you are 80 years old you will finally be so rich that you can afford to buy a yacht and surround yourself with young girls. Of course, by then you will need a ton of viagra and you’ll have no energy to move.
Instead, think of how you can have a good future, but also enjoy your life NOW. Find your passions and purpose.
How do you find your purpose? You have to make the time to discover it. I’m assuming that you don’t have tons of free time because you work very hard at your job.
If you don’t know what your passions or purposes are, you can make time to discover them by stopping your daily routine and habits, your busy work, and all of the things that distract you from your greater goals. You need to stop that because we get lost in our routines.
If the word “purpose” is too weighty, then think in terms of your “passions.” What is it that you are really motivated to do? What do you look forward to doing every chance you get? Eventually, as you get more involved with your passions, you’ll begin to look beyond yourself and discover a greater purpose that your passions can lead you to. But if you can’t think of a purpose yet, then just follow your passions first.
You’re looking for your core desire because your purpose is your core desire. What is it that you really want? That’s the question. All of my coaching programs start with that. Sure, some people might say, I want Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, or I want sex, basically that I want to have some XYZ momentary pleasure. But that’s not what your core desire is.
Don’t lose yourself in the easy distractions of just having a beer with your buddies every weekend talking about girls (but never taking action with girls). Don’t waste your nights drinking at the hawker centres or void decks with your old school chums because if you do that, before you know it, you’ll be old and grey and stuck in a rut.
You have to take some time to find your core desire – no one can do that for you but you.
You can start by looking at your life and asking yourself what satisfies you and what displeases you. Do you still like your job? Would you rather be working in a different field? Do you get excited at the idea of quitting your job? Or, do you get excited at the idea of just making more spare time to work on some hobby? The point is, you have to do some thinking and figure out what would make you more excited about life, and then do it.
Remember, nothing in your life will get better if you simply continue to do what you have always done. You need to shake it up and do something that excites you.
If you are really having trouble finding your passion, then one idea is to try different things and see where it takes you. You simply don’t know what you will like until you try it. Spend time with new friends that you look up to, and try some of the adventures that they enjoy.
Curious about surfing? Try it. Curious about skydiving? Try it. Love to look at artwork? Then try photography or painting or whatever art interests you. Look for things that may be hidden passions and give them a try. Travel. Explore. Have some fun and sow some wild oats.
Or you could go on a meditation retreat in Thailand or Bali. Do a yoga retreat and detox weekend alone. You’ll be surrounded by women there, but don’t get distracted, ha. You’re there to “find yourself.”
Accumulate some new experiences. Test yourself and challenge yourself and take life to the edge for a while.
Too many people settle in life, spending their lives doing only what is expected of them.
The typical “model minority” Asian child gets good grades and does what his parents expect of him as a child.
Then, he gets a good white-collar job, works 60-80 hours a week, and does what he is expected to do as an adult. Eventually, that means marriage and children, then retirement.
Where is the excitement? All of these things are great – school, work, marriage, kids, retirement. But you need something else beyond just going through these phases – something that is your driving passion, something that excites you, and that “something” will be what makes you an exciting man who attracts women naturally.
Women immediately notice men who don’t live like the rest of society.
Most of society settles into a routine in their mid-twenties. And that routine does not change for the next forty years.
It will suck your life force dry and women will see it.
No woman wants to be with a man who lacks a purpose. No woman wants to be with a man who is settling for life – unless she is a lesser woman herself.
Attractive young women who have a lot of options can afford to be picky.
Now a guy who is settling in life might be happy with a girl who is settling and they can settle for mediocrity together. If you like mediocre women then continuing to be mediocre is probably a good bet.
But if you want to experience life to the fullest, you need to be open to change.
Again, remember that a woman does not want to be your purpose. She wants to team up with a man who is living his purpose.
Living life with a purpose is not about throwing away a good job, never again caring about money and screwing over others to do whatever you want.
Rather, it is about living an authentic life. It’s about being true to yourself and your own desires, and gathering strength from that truth.
An independent man knows what he wants and works towards it. When you sacrifice your own authenticity, then you cannot live with decisiveness and boldness… and you will not be naturally attractive to women.
Confidence with Women
This is the reason why it’s so important to just do or say what you really think or want. Saying what you feel and doing what you want is masculine, it is strong. It takes courage to risk being wrong, to be willing to take risks and then take responsibility for your decisions. You need to be independent and do what you want to do.
Here’s an example of a beginning student who is still trying too hard to please women: This guy was at a bar talking to a girl. She asked him if he had a lighter for her smoke. He didn’t have one. But instead of just saying that he didn’t have one, he ran out of his way to get a lighter for her, roaming around the smoking area bar asking everyone in sight for a lighter.
Obviously, he expected that she would take the lighter, light her cigarette, and thank him profusely, infinitely impressed with his chivalry.
Instead, she took the lighter, smiled as you would to an obedient dog, and then ignored him the rest of the night.
Obviously, the guy was doing this just to please the girl. This is what I call the Parasitic Nice Guy. He feigns chivalry, but he’s really doing it to get something in return.
Think about it. Did he really enjoy running across the room to bug other dudes, begging for the lighter? I doubt it. He did it because he is a parasitic “yes man.” And women don’t respect the parasitic “yes man” who fawns all over them.
Here’s another example I see a lot in Singapore: Changing your mind just to please a woman. Yes, you want to take into account all the available, relevant information so that you arrive at a decision that you will both enjoy. Certainly, we don’t want to just go around ignoring other people and only doing whatever the heck we want. If she has a preference for something or if there is more information that you need to take into account, you should obviously do that.
But you never want to betray your own judgments just to please others.
For one, because the women or others around you will actually disrespect you and resent your weakness. Being a “yes man” doesn’t make you look good or endear you to others. Instead, it makes you look weak, boring, average, and certainly not sexy.
Other than your upbringing, which we have discussed, why do you think you are so eager to please or always prefer to follow others?
One common reason is that you don’t trust your own judgment. A lot of guys try to leave decisions up to others because they are afraid. They think that if things do not work out and if they made the decision, then they will look bad.
However, if someone else made the decision – if the girl picked the movie that turned out to be lousy, for example – then he can just wash his hands of it. It’s not his fault because he didn’t make the decision. But when you do this you simply show the world that you don’t trust your own judgment. Again, this just makes you look weak.
When you do or say things that are contrary to your thoughts or judgments, then you communicate and demonstrate to others that you don’t even trust your own judgment.
Obviously, if you can’t trust your own judgment, then certainly others won’t trust you. This includes your friends, your colleagues, your wife, and even your children.
When you sacrifice your own authenticity, then you cannot live with decisiveness and boldness.
This is why it’s so important to just do or say what you really think or want… because it is masculine, it is strong. It takes more power to be willing to be wrong, to be willing to take risks and then take responsibility for your decisions.
This is part and parcel of being a leader.
It may surprise you to know that being independent and strong in your own position requires vulnerability. To be vulnerable takes more power than to just close up and not let people hurt you or to not let people into your life. It takes more power to be vulnerable and it takes more masculinity to condition and train more masculinity. You need to be more masculine in order to live with a hurting but still open heart.