Man Up | Ep. 128 • July 22, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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David Tian: Boom! Stop. In Episode 128 of Man Up, I answer the question of: How do I meet women if I don’t like bars or clubs?
[MUSIC] Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hey! It’s David Tian, Ph.D. And for over the past ten years, I’ve been helping millions of people in over 87 countries attain success in life and love through the application of ancient wisdom and cutting-edge research. And here I am in Ann Arbor, Michigan, visiting family. And I just wanted to show you this beautiful greenery at my sister’s place; just beautiful here, gorgeous. And this is the driveway, pretty damn awesome driveway, down into the house. And this is Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man, Episode 128.
I’m actually going to go out to the backyard. And I’m answering a question from the private Facebook group. Since we’re here, I’m going to start the question and then I’ll just keep walking as I go to the backyard, answer the question. Hope it’s not too shaky. Question from Jonathan in the private Facebook group. He says, “I’m finding myself getting anxious on Friday and Saturday nights. I feel as if I should be out somewhere at some social thing even if I had been out during the week. I really want to meet more women,” he says, “And I’m happy with casual hookups or relationships, but I can’t seem to think of anywhere to meet them that isn’t a bar.”
Now originally, this video is going to answer and address that question, but he put it so well that I wanted to point out a few other things in the question. So, if you want to see what their question is, join the private Facebook group. That’s how you can interact with me personally. And there are a lot of guys on there now, really great community, and often you’ll get answers from other guys in the comments and I’ll usually hop on and try to answer in the comments as well.
So, the rest of the question is, he doesn’t like bars, he doesn’t drink, he lives in Dublin so a lot of social life in Ireland revolves around drinking as much as he hates to admit it. Even though he says it’s not really his scene, he keeps feeling like, “I’m missing out if I’m not out on Friday or Saturday.” He’s in his mid-20s and he says, “I don’t want to feel like I’m missing out on opportunities to meet women. But because I don’t enjoy bars, I always feel amped up as if that night’s going to be a big deal. But because they’re not comfortable environments for me, I’m not in the right mindset to meet people anyway.”
“I actually don’t know how hookups happen in such weird, noisy environments. But at least when I was in college, people would be hanging out on the weekends and include me and stuff. These days, there’s no consistency. I’m not even seeing my friends as much as I’d like.” Here’s the question, “Is there a way to plan my social life so that I always have something to do on Friday or Saturday night, or is there a way to organize my social life so that I can meet women in places where I’d be more comfortable?”
There you go. Good question from Jonathan. I’m going to answer the question about how to meet women in places where he feels more comfortable and places where people, dudes, guys, feel more comfortable. If you don’t feel comfortable in bars and nightclubs, then don’t go there. And if you don’t feel comfortable there, you could, like I did, train yourself to be comfortable there but it will be not worth the effort. All of those hookups will not be worth your effort, and for reasons that I’ve gone into in other videos.
So before I answer that question, I also wanted to address a few other things he said here. And one is that, why he feels this need to go there and why the solution didn’t present itself naturally to him earlier. And he’s kind of alludes to it and I’ll draw it out in the question. What he asked in the question is, “I keep feeling like I’m missing out if I’m not out on Friday or Saturday.” Even though he says, “I find myself getting anxious on Friday and Saturday nights as if I should be out somewhere at some social thing, even if I’ve been out during the week.”
So, this may be some kind of weird function of Ireland. I don’t know. I really want to go and visit Ireland. I have relatives who’ve visited Ireland, who are living there for a while; they’re not anymore but should’ve taken that opportunity to visit. But definitely want to make it out there. I know there’s a big drinking culture out there, and they make some really amazing beer, and just a beautiful landscape there I heard. I wish I could walk backwards and show you as I go down, but that would be too dangerous so I’m going to walk forward. So, you’re going to see the shed behind me.
And I wish I knew more because it sounds like that’s more of a function… I got to be quiet now because – holy man, I’ve been running around with the kids and my nephews, and doing Lego and just literally running out in the heat. And man, it’s a lot more tiring than you might think, or then a bachelor might think to play with kids all day but I’m pretty tired out. End of the day, the sunset’s here in the summertime, like at nine. So, the best time to shoot is when the sun’s going down, and that’s now. So, here’s the backyard. Pretty amazing, and hopefully you can see the water there. The property goes right out back to the river, and then there’s a drop-off as you can see there. But hopefully you can see that there’s water there. Actually from here, it’s hard to see, but from upstairs, from the house, you can see it very clearly.
And there’s a little hill road right behind us. Beautiful. I will stand back here so you can see some nice forest behind me. I was hoping to put the water there but you can’t really see it from here. I don’t think you can see it. You can see it clearly if you’re just standing here. I don’t know why it’s not showing up in the camera. Anyway, so it could’ve been a function of Ireland that you feel like you’re missing out if you don’t go out clubbing. This is very different from other parts of the world that I’ve spent time in.
And if that’s the case, you have to address that, because the FOMO, the fear of missing out, is going to fuck you up in many other ways in your life. So, regardless of the solution that I present to you now, if you don’t conquer that problem, the FOMO problem, it’s just going to mess you up for the rest of your life. So, who gives a fuck? You decide what you want to do. And if you feel like you’re missing out, there’s something else wrong with your life. Your life is not as exciting enough as it is, and that’s why you’re going out to look for excitement in it.
That’s where I’m going to leave it at; that part of the question anyway. The other part… I like to put this on a stand but I’m holding it. My arm’s getting tired. I just did shoulders earlier. So, let me address where you meet women outside of bars and clubs. So, where you do meet women outside of bars and clubs ought to be according to your own lifestyle. So, you have to have a lifestyle. It sounds like, Jonathan, your lifestyle doesn’t have anything in it. And if you live in a town… Dublin’s a lot more culturally-diverse than you’re making it sound. There’s a lot more to Dublin than just drinking and you need to find that, and it’s easy.
Look at where I am. I’m not looking forward to hitting the clubs or some bullshit like that. This is the most beautiful thing ever. I’m out here getting the fresh air and playing with kids all day. That was an amazing time. And you need to get some more balance. Then again, you’re in your mid-20s, so go fuck it up. You can only take good advice so far. If you need to do a lot more growing up, then go and fucking waste your life; waste another five years. No big deal. I mean, if you waste another five years, then you’ll be at the age that I was when I discovered I can actually learn how to get better with women.
So, no harm lost, just go fuck up another five years of your life. I don’t give a fuck. But if you really want to grow up, you should learn some meditation, take some yoga, get your fitness down, learn some mixed martial arts, read books, educate yourself, fill the brain. Go to places like art galleries and wine tastings and get some fucking culture and education, and then you’re going to meet people there that you obviously have a lot in common with, because they’re at those places learning those things. There’s so many things you ought to be learning, and then there’s so many things you ought to be learning instead of fucking going to clubs.
And then, can you meet women there? Yeah, as long as it’s not an all-male group. So in yoga, fuck yeah, you can meet a lot of women in yoga. You can meet a lot of women in method acting classes. I highly recommend you do method acting classes. You should do improv comedy. You should do Brazilian jiu jitsu. There will be more dudes there than women, but it’s becoming more and more popular among women, especially those who want to learn some self-defense.
You should do some dance classes, especially couples dancing, so especially Latin dancing where you’re forced to be in contact as the starting position. I would recommend bachata, where you’re hip-to-hip as a starting position. Dublin is a huge city. I think it’s the biggest city in the country. And it will have all of these things. They may not be the best, but they will have this. It will be as good as what there is in Singapore. I can’t say that with confidence because I haven’t looked up Dublin, but I know with confidence that there will be courses in all of those things that I’ve just mentioned.
There is fucking, for sure, mixed martial arts. So, get with that. I hope you know what I mean. What was it? Dancing. Dancing, obviously, will have a lot of women, usually more women than men. And when it comes to couples dancing, like if you do ballroom dancing, which is more formal obviously and more of a fixed body position, there are going to… Or in any kind of couples dancing, Latin dance especially, I recommend the bachata, but of course you can start with salsa. They are always looking for men, because ideally you would have one male for every female there, and usually there isn’t. So, you will be a coveted person there.
So, take Latin dance. And you can talk to girls in the class and meet them when the class is over. Sort of linger outside the door and chat with them. This is the same with yoga; come early and leave late. Any kind of special-interest groups like… I think special-interest is the wrong term. Like a hobby. Wine tasting, art appreciation, any kind of music appreciation as well. All of these things should be things that you’re interested in or want to develop an interest in, and you could meet like-minded people. They are literally like-minded. They are there to learn the same thing you’re there to learn, and those are the most ideal environments in which to meet women that you can then date if you guys hit it off and have chemistry.
Okay, so there you go. It’s pretty straightforward. Find out what your lifestyle is like. For many of you watch this, you will already have been pursuing hobbies, and now it’s just a matter of staying late after the class or getting there early, and then prioritizing socializing; just talking to the people there, and getting to know the women there and the girls. From there, you can organize a coffee get-together. Or actually, what you should do is bridge them. So if you meet people in bachata class, you can say, “Hey, I’m going to the salsa class”, and see if there’s interest and you can take them with you.
You can meet people in your method-acting class and say, “Hey, you guys do any dance classes?” And you can bring them along. Even if they don’t want to go to the classes themselves, you can organize outings – that’s the term in Singapore – but you can organize get-togethers and hangouts with all of these people at the local cafe or at the local pub. I think everyone enjoys pubs, it’s easy. And you just bring those people there, but you meet them at the activity that you guys have in common. So, that is congruent with your lifestyle.
Now, some people, like Jonathan, don’t have these hobbies yet. So I say to you, get an interesting life. Broaden your interests. Develop yourself more. Stop wasting your life going to nightclubs and bars, drinking to try to pick-up chicks. I mean, that’s a great way to become a loser later on in your life. But if you want to build something, build character and develop an interesting personality, then you should really be trying to learn things, new things, every day, and pushing yourself and challenging yourself to learn things; broadening your mind.
So, if you don’t know who I am or haven’t watched other videos, you’re probably like, “What’s this about? I thought it was like some pick-up bullshit.” And this is another reason why it’s not. I don’t recommend to guys to blindly go out and just hit on girls. More importantly, prioritize your life for the long term. And if you do that, then it will be relatively easy for you to meet people who are like-minded. And even if your interests are primarily male-centered like Brazilian jiu jitsu or martial arts or something, you can tweak it so that it involves women, that’s all.
And that simply means that you go to mixed classes. Sometimes in the gym, there are trainings where it’s more men, like high-intensity interval training classes that I’ve been to have a lot of guys. But in the middle of the afternoon, you’ll find some of the younger women, the models, they all go to those classes. So, those are good times to go and then you can meet them there.
And another thing you can do is just pick activities and hobbies and interests that are more in line with what they’re interested in. And then it’s just a matter of tweaking it. Alright? So there you go. There are many ways to meet people outside of the bars and clubs. So if that’s not something you’re interested in, don’t do it. But instead, broaden your horizons and meet people naturally through those activities and venues. Alright man, until next time. Join the private Facebook group. Jonathan asked his question there. I interact with you personally there, and I look forward to getting your questions.
There’s a lot of activity going on in there, and I’ve been doing live shows. But by the time this gets posted, I am pretty sure that the class, the special class that we’re launching, is going to be closed unfortunately, but you can join the group and wait until the new class begins. And I can’t tell you when that will be because we haven’t decided yet. But join the private Facebook group, because that’s the only place you’ll ever be able to find that out, and the only place you’ll be able to interact with me personally in the Man Up group. That’s what you want to do.
Join the private Facebook group. I’ll see you inside the group. Until then, Man Up![MUSIC]