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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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What’s Wrong With Pick Up Artist Advice These Days?
David Tian Ph.D. reveals what kind of attitude you will have when you make pick-up your life.
David Tian Ph.D. tells men to do what they enjoy doing and look for ways of making those activities social.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. asks men not to sacrifice their happiness, their hobbies, and their meaning in life in order to get validation from women.
In this episode, we talk about whether you should give up your hobbies to learn how to pick up chicks (picking up women).
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up.
Okay man, welcome to episode 9. I’m excited to get into it. So the question is from Ray. Ray asks: There’s some preamble and then he asks, when I go out two times day gaming – approaching during the day – and two times approaching during the night, I don’t feel very happy in my life. However, when I incorporate soccer, MMA and go once a week during the day and the night to approach women, I feel excited and enthusiastic.
Would you encourage me to still go out four times a week – I guess he was told somewhere that he should go out four times a week – regardless of how I feel? Or should I split 50% of my time between hobbies and pick-up. I’m stuck between this dilemma for a while now. I see pick-up taking a huge chunk of my life and I have to quit boxing, soccer, etc. just to practice pick-up. Also night game can affect how I perform at work.
I’m willing to adjust but I’m curious if you were in a similar situation or what are your thoughts. I asked a coach online who wrote to me: “First I would ask you why you can’t just do two to three nights a week and still have time to do your hobbies? I know that going out is tough, especially when you’re first starting to learn this stuff. With that said, you have to push through the discomfort and emotional fatigue.
Lots of guys don’t appreciate the process of going out. Understand that to truly master this you must become obsessed. Learning this is hard, probably the hardest thing you’ll ever do. I’ve had my grade suffer to the point I dropped out of school, never got a real job while learning this, lost some friends and honestly couldn’t even think about hobbies other than maybe trying to get in some gym sessions.
Just like you know you have to train for years to become a master at a martial art, the same applies to pick-up where your hobbies sometimes suffer. Hell yes, doesn’t mean you can’t go and play soccer or do an MMA class to de-stress now and then. I will say that to master anything you need laser focus and should heavily prioritize one. Once you get there then you can go and tackle the next goal…” – I’m not going to continue reading what this online coach said or wrote but you get the gist of it.
So that was pretty long. Ray basically is trying to – he enjoys having hobbies but his hobbies do not allow him to spend four nights a week going out to approach chicks. This guy online says, just suck it up bastard. Okay, scale back to two or three nights, he says, a week and he just said this is the hardest -learning this is hard, the hardest thing you’ll ever do. This is great; I’m not going to sugar coat it.
This is the sort of attitude that you get when you make pick-up your life. You basically lose all perspective. You basically become a man of little substance. You really don’t have much to say because you’re not really learning anything else in life. Pick-up or talking to women should be about you becoming an attractive person. So at the end of this process, you should become more naturally attractive as a person.
Here’s what happens if you just pursue pick-up purely like an art, like a sport, like a clocking in mentality where you apply discipline and you just go. Hard work and you look at it as something that you have to be obsessed about that it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done.
By the way, if going to approach women is the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life – that tells you a lot about your life. Here’s what ideally you should be like: at the end of this process of your life, the life long process of becoming a human being, you should actually become naturally attractive.
Whereas a pick-up artist would take a shitty life and a shitty personality and a lack of knowledge and a lack of relatability to women who are attractive – or who that person thinks are attractive – and just dress it up. You just dress it up with lines, routines and whatever, right? You just dress it up and it’s fake. It’s just deception, manipulation. You’re going out approaching fucking four nights a week with no life. You’re not learning anything, you have not developed character in any other area and it’s just empty.
Not only that, you’re also sacrificing your happiness in order to get something from women. This is a recipe for – basically it’s a recipe for a breakdown. Depression and lots of bad things mentally and emotionally down the road.
So I would say, first of all, make yourself happy. Because at the end of this process, you’re hoping that – the reason you get into it is – you’re hoping that if you can get girls to like you then you’ll be happy. And here’s the secret: you can be happy right now. You can be happy just making a decision to be happy.
There are many ways that you can just use your body and your physical physiology to actually prime happiness. Instead of looking for this elusive happiness and fulfillment from women’s reactions to you – so badly that you would sacrifice your own happiness by giving up the things that you really enjoy – in order to chase this validation from women.
Dude, here’s the strategy that you should apply: do what you enjoy doing and look for ways of making those activities social. Make them ways of involving other human beings so that you don’t have to set aside time to go approach chicks. But instead there are just women in your life, while you’re doing the things you enjoy.
Like if you like dancing, you go to a group dancing class or a group dancing area or an event. If you like boxing and MMA – those are going to probably more heavily guy centered, right? So maybe you can go to – well, that’ll be a tough one actually – but there are a lot of girls who enjoy boxing as a form of exercise.
So maybe you can go on the weekends in afternoon classes. Or maybe there are ways of meeting the girls who do martial arts for fun and maybe talking to them in between their classes or after their classes or before their classes or talking to the coaches that they hire one-on-one. That’s just a brainstorm – I came up with that just now. There are always ways of tweaking whatever you’ve got to involve women, to involve other people.
You can even teach it – be good enough to be a boxing teacher or instructor and have a cut rate price – because you’re just beginning – and teach girls how to get a great cardio workout while letting out aggression and hitting stuff. I mean that’s just something I came up with.
Some guys say – some coaches I’ve heard say – don’t learn guitar, for instance, because if you learn guitar you’re going to end up spending hours alone in your bedroom practicing your instrument. Well, that’s true, you can practice guitar in your bedroom but you can also practice guitar on the beach. Just throw out your guitar case, open it up and have people throw you money while you’re practicing. You can also join a band.
You can also perform for free in various places, if you’re any good. Just tweak that activity to involve other people especially women. Or join an appreciation class for this; go to places where people also have that hobby. Even if it’s a solitary hobby, you can sit around and talk about it. You’ll be surprised that a lot of the guy centered hobbies actually have a lot of women involved in them.
Even like video game playing has its own – like there are a lot of hot girls who play video games. There aren’t a lot of cool guys so the girls don’t generally come out with it but there are a lot who do. If you go to the conventions or something, you can meet them. Maybe it’s still skewed 80/20, like Silicon Valley maybe, but there are ways of meeting that 20%.
Look, the idea is this: don’t ever, don’t ever fucking ever, ever, ever sacrifice your happiness in order to get women to like you – ever, ever, ever. Just look for ways to tweak it. Just optimize your lifestyle. And then when you’re in that setting, it’s just warm approaches.
In other words, you already have a reason to talk to them because you’re there for that activity, to appreciate whatever that hobby is. Most importantly, you’re going to have more fun doing it. Because you’re having more fun because you’re enjoying it because it’s meaningful to you – that activity or that event or whatever, the hobby – you’ll actually be more attractive there because you’re having fun.
Try to find ways of optimizing your lifestyle so it involves women, other people and you can practice flirting within those contexts. Don’t sacrifice your happiness and your hobbies and your meaning in life in order to go out and get validation from women. There are always ways to just tweak what you’ve got to involve women.
All right, so that’s my quick answer to it. Make sure that you join the Facebook group so that you can ask your questions. And vote up the ones that you want answered even if you don’t have your own questions. I’ll see you in the next episode.