Man Up | Ep. 61 • January 20, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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What To Do When You’re Partying But Don’t Drink Alcohol
In episode 61 of Man Up, I answer the question: What to do when you’re at a party and you don’t drink alcohol?
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up!
Hey, I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is episode 61 of Man Up! The sun is going down in Bangkok here. I’m in my home hotel and I can finally open the window so you can finally see it. The sun’s not shining in so it’s pretty cool. I’m going to remember this timing, 6:09 (pm). Ideal time to shoot more video. Cool! So you see some of the city backdrop right at as the sun is setting. Okay, cool!
A question from the private Facebook group comes from Ash.
“Hi David!” This is a good punchy question, so I will just read the whole thing. “I have a question about going out with a girl or a social group but avoiding alcohol. What’s the best or natural way going about it and places or things to keep in mind that will make a date or hangouts nothing less than interesting. It’s not because I can’t but more on health grounds, thanks!” Great question!
Many – believe it or not, Ash – many of my friends that I hang out with who actually… some of them work at night life don’t drink alcohol as a rule. And it’s because, just like you, health reasons. Right? So there are lots of ways getting around it. Well, like first of all, what do you drink instead? And then… that’s the easy part… and then what do you say so that you don’t have to answer a billion questions about it.
But some people are really fervent supporters of it but sometimes if you say the wrong thing, they’re going to try and make you drink. And if they see it as a challenge, they try joking around it with you. If you just want to shut it down… so the first part to try and keep this short. Punchy. Trying to keep it efficient. Succinct!
The first part of it is what do you do drink. A lot of the guys, you know you can actually make some pretty cool choices at the bar. If you’re at the cocktail bar it’s pretty easy. Most of the bartender love to make mocktails. So if you have a mocktail version of a favorite drink, they usually be up to a challenge of doing that. You can also usually order something that’s like a tea-based that’s really cool. Some of my bartender friends really like to drink tea. And if you’re like into meditation or yoga or something, tea is usually a whole part of that culture.
So tea is a good way to go. For the guys who are in clubs and they’re not going to have tea or anything fuzzy, you want to be quick, right? You can make it look like you’re drinking alcohol by having a fizzy drink. Or you could ask for soda water, just throw in a lemon or lime in it and usually people won’t ask you too much about it because it could be a vodka soda or something. You can also get a dark drink like a diet coke, throw in a bunch of limes and look like a mixed drink. Okay, that’s pretty straightforward.
Probably what you’re more wondering about is what to say. I happen to enjoy alcohol. I’m trying to cut back on it for – also for health reasons – but also for discipline reasons just so to stay more focused on my work and so I’m not so hung over in the morning. But I got to admit, man, in Shanghai I way overdid it! For the guys who were there, you know we way overdid it.
Like one of the things I want to do is take it in moderation but let me think about my friends – I have many friends! Actually in Shanghai, the majority, more than fifty percent of the guys in our group – the people in our group – didn’t drink! Actually the girls are drinking a lot more than the guys. A lot of the guys – by rule, for years – do not drink. It’s not because they were alcoholics before. It’s just for other reasons, health reasons, mental and emotional reasons maybe.
Some of the things they say, is actually what they say, is for religious reasons. And maybe it’s not but that usually gets people out of it. Like no one wants to debate about religion in a bar or club. So there, in the holiday recently where they will walk on fire and all that… can’t really remember the name of it.
The guys in Singapore and India would know, and there’s like kind of fast that leads up to a tight… damn it I’m so sorry I can’t remember what it is… but many of my friends would just say I’m comparing for whatever that tasteful is. The Muslims have, well they’re not supposed to drink at all but many of them do, my friends who are Muslims do. What’s the name… Ramadan! You know, so they’re not going to touch it, and you go okay so you don’t want to go there, right? So you just say for religious reasons.
But be prepared for people like me, smart alecks like me, who will ask “oh what religion are you in, I’m interested.” But for me it’s a positive perspective, right? I’m interested what your religion is, why you subscribe to it, what you find interesting in it – it’s all in a positive way. So if it’s a lie, and you’re hanging around smart people who might be inquisitive about it and want to know what religion you want to dare to, maybe you don’t want to go there.
Unless maybe it is a religious reason in which case just say it. You know, it’s for religious reasons. Be proud of your religion, man and preach it! Maybe preach is the wrong word there. But yeah, just share it.
Okay, so if it’s for health reasons, what’s the specific health reason? If you say you’re diabetic, whoa! Off that, right? So no one’s going to touch you if you have a real specific health reason. So a lot of people have diabetes now, so you can just say I’m diabetic or… you know.
I say, when I’m off it, I say “you know I’m fasting for something or I’m on a cutting diet. You know, and… they might rig me on working out too much or something but I think that’s just stupid. And if anyone would rig me on that then I would just stop hanging out with them because they are idiots and I don’t want to hang out with idiots.
So it’s also another like… so… a theme that runs through all this man up videos is who the fuck are you and what do you stand for because that will tell you what you’re going to put up with in other people’s. You got to know what you’re going to put up with other people.
So there you go… um… I just realized you can see the reflection of my room, it’s pretty cool! So there you go! Know what your standards are. Know what you’re going to put up with other people if they really give you a hard time but you think is unreasonable hard time. Then just stop hanging out with those people and start finding people who are cool, okay, who will compliment your lifestyle choices.
And there are lot of them. I just want to tell you out right now that more and more people are cutting alcohol out of their diets along with the rise in fitness. Also it’s coming a decrease I think, just for my personal experience, because a lot of my friends I used to party out hardcore who are all now super off alcohol. Like they only drink for very special occasions. And only like a little shot here or there.
Even the bartenders will taste it but they will not go far at all. So it’s pretty cool! Because I’ve seen guys who’ve gone way out, way overdoing alcohol, then they swing back for years with no alcohol. It’s pretty cool! So there are a lot of people who don’t drink. A lot of cool people who don’t drink. Just put it out there, Ash! You’re hanging out with the wrong people if they don’t believe that.
Okay, so there you go! Join the private Facebook group, I will be answering all those questions all the time and I want to hear your questions. Those are the lifeblood of the show. So join the private Facebook group and until then, Man Up!