Man Up | Ep. 26 • October 28, 2015
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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In episode 26 of Man Up, I’m going to be talking about why the girl’s best friend hates your guts.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up.
Welcome to Man Up, this is episode 26, got a great question here from Mark. Mark in the Man Up private Facebook group and it starts with – it’s again a long question but it’s: How do you suggest dealing with an alpha best friend or best friend/roommate. In his past relationships, they either end due to an alpha or it doesn’t develop – because the alpha’s a major factor. As a girl I am in engaging in is a follower of the so-called alpha.
We hang out, go out, spend two, three days together. Things are great but then the girl would tell me she never wants to be apart again but once she gets home, the friend, the alpha friend, always finds a way to guilt the girl and I end up seeing her less and less because she plans to take all her free time which causes a major breakdown between us.
He tries to invite the friend out with us, invites other friends of mine to join then invite her to set her up but it doesn’t work. She wasn’t interested. She just wants to go all to herself for wine nights at home or at a bar. So his question is, when he develops a relationship with this girl, that girl’s best friend – which sounds from this message that it’s a girl – so the girl’s best friend, another girl, monopolizes all her time and the girl he wants to see, doesn’t end up seeing him.
Here’s the deal.
This is a highly unusual situation that you may think is normal if it’s happening to you over and over. But I’ve been coaching over ten years, tens of thousands of people around the world, mostly men and this is a highly unusual situation. And here’s when it would happen to you is if you’re kind of a dick.
Obviously, I don’t know you, I don’t have a background but if repeatedly the girl you’re dating, her best friend doesn’t like you and is actively conspiring to steal the girl you’re dating – her time away from you, there’s something you’re doing wrong. You may not be cool enough or you may be douchebag-y. Now, here’s the deal, here’s how you can find out: Stop trying to fight for the attention of a girl. Just get this girl, her best friend, and be friends with her.
The things you’ve said here is: so far, you’ve tried to invite the friend out with you guys so that it’d be the three of you. No one likes to be the third wheel so that’s not fun. Another one is you invite friends of yours to join so that you can pawn her off and that’s an obvious play and again, you’re not going to get to know her.
Starting a Conversation
You have to actually get to know her so when you guys hang out – you should try to just ignore the girl your chasing and get to know the friend like a real human being. She’s a real human being, too. With hopes and dreams and desires and drives and motivations and complex psychology and all of this – get to know her. Find out what makes her tick, what she wants and give that to her. In other words, find out what her motivations are, find out what she thinks about you, take that to heart.
Ask the girl you’re interested in what her friend thinks of you. And make sure that you build enough trust and comfort that she’ll tell you the truth. That’s really important that you get the truth.
Make sure that you build enough comfort with everyone who’s important to your girl. It’s generally not something that is a problem with the friend, if you’re seeing anything on a repeated basis like you’re saying every time – the problem’s you. I’m pretty confident in saying the problem’s you.
I know this because I have a lot of female friends and I hear them talk about guys to each other. Literally when these guys trying to get in on this girl, all of her friends are like eyeing each other, they’re eyeing me. Telling me step in, separate them and then throw other guys at her. And that dude is completely oblivious to all of that’s going on and he’s just not cool, right? That could be you and I think that there’s a very good chance that it is.
Dating Tips for Men
Now, if you want to learn the long term ways of figuring out what bad vibes you’re putting off and how to counteract them, how to transform into a person that gives authentic value, join Aura Transformation Corporation trainings. Just come to auratransformation.org, check out our products or events or trainings.
Tips for Men
It’s just a matter of learning what you don’t know. Right now you’re in ignorance, come out of ignorance. I tell you, if you’ve seen this on a repeated basis, you’re the one variable that’s not changing and you’re the one variable that’s tracking this behavior.
In the meantime, all of the guys watching this, if you like that go to the private Facebook group. Ask me your personal questions. There’s a lot of community going on in there. So go on there, just click the link, join the Facebook group. We approve requests on a regular basis. I’ll see you in the group, until next time – man up.