Man Up | Ep. 180 • March 20, 2017
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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David Tian: Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD. And in this video I answer the question: When your woman bosses you around. Welcome to Man Up Episode 180
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, PhD., and this is Man Up!
Hey. I’m David Tian, PhD. and for over the past 10 years, I have been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness, and fulfillment in life and love.
And welcome to Man Up Episode 180.We have hit the 180. I am in beautiful Bali, Indonesia at this great little garden here. The waterfalls and all of that, and just waiting to head out for dinner.
Okay, I got a question here from Jaren. It’s in the private Man Up Facebook group. Well actually, this question isn’t, but join the private Man Up Facebook group to get interaction with the awesome guys in the community. Jaren, his question is this: How did I survive before marriage? Sarcasm intended.
I was able to navigate the world just fine before I got married. But ever since I tied the knot, there seems to have been some great force in the universe that has made me incompetent.
Now, I need to be told which lane to drive in, which face to park in, how to hang your picture on the wall, where to put the mustard in the fridge, how to wash a dish, how to dress, how to deal with clerks and waiters, how to interact with my daughter, and every other task that a person commonly encounters in day-to-day life.
Is this common among married men? Do a lot of wives just assume that their husbands are incompetent?
Okay, Jaren. I tapped on your profile photo, and he’s a teacher out in Southern US. One of the issues is this. Your woman would only do this, whether it’s your wife, or your girlfriend, or other female friends in your life, your sisters, your mother.
She would only be doing this to you as an adult male if you, first of all, aren’t taking leadership in your own life.
They’re going to feel like they have the right to boss you around and that they can, maybe even ought to and should boss you around, because you haven’t been taking charge of your own life. That’s the first thing.
Are you kicking ass in your own life? Are you saying what you’re going do and going and doing it, and they’re seeing that as a pattern in your life so that they can trust you, and that you’re trustworthy, and reliable, and your own life to get shit done.
Whether it’s their way or your way, you’re going to get it done. And in addition to that, obviously you’re not asserting yourself.
So, if you’re coming on a Facebook group and you’re complaining about how your wife is treating you, you’re probably passive-aggressive.
If she’s getting away with this sort of thing, you probably feel like your hands are tied, like you can’t speak up and tell her how you really well.
Maybe something bad would happen, something you don’t want to have happen, like she would leave you or something like that.
So, you feel like you’re basically ball and chain, that the marriage is ball and chain, or she’s in the ball and chain in your life. And you can’t get out of it, so you are a powerless male and she’s going to treat you like a powerless male.
You are powerless. I looked at your fucking face in your profile photo, you are powerless. I can’t really say to others, I don’t want to show your photo to other people here.
But you can tell a guy who hasn’t been crushing it in life, and the way his demeanor is, and the kind of photos he posts, and his profile photos, cover images, and other things on his profile that he’s just not crushing it.
You have been beaten down and you’re used to taking it. So the rest of the world, not just your woman, is going to just keep giving it to you, keep giving you shit.
Now, these are trivial things you’re saying about what she’s bossing you around on. She’s bossing you around on little things like what lane to drive in, which space to park in, how to hang a picture on a wall, et cetera.
I’ve seen this happen to a lot of guys. Don’t feel so bad, all those guys, because I’m obviously not just making the video for Jaren. I’m making the video for all of you guys who are watching this, because it’s so common.
When a guy gets into a marriage, he feels like he can’t get out of it easily or the repercussions are too great for him to leave, so he just takes it up the ass or takes it up whatever you call it here, and he just accepts whatever treatment she doles out to him, because he can’t do anything about it.
If he leaves, if he decides he’s heading up and he leaves, well, he’s got to lose half his assets, and he’s going to break up his family. He’s just going to take it, and this is really bad.
Even if you started out a guy who is crushing it in life, you get into marriage, and the average way men and women deal with marriage now in the modern world – if you’re in the modern world, is you’ve got to give up half your assets if you want to leave.
So, most guys just take it, and the only recourse they have is passive-aggressiveness. I’m coming off a cold about a week, so it’s pretty much done, but I still got them sniffles probably coming out on the microphone pretty loud. Sorry about that.
Is this common among married men? Yes. Do a lot of wives just assume their husbands are incompetent? No. Not when they started, not when they got together, probably. That’s not always the case.
But often, the guy was competent at the beginning. And then over time, slowly, showed himself to be incompetent in the sense he’s not aggressive, he doesn’t go and get it.
And most importantly, he’s not assertive. That’s the most important thing. I’ve been meaning to get to that point. It took me a while. My nose is sniffling. Assertive.
These things about your wife is saying ‘drive here’ or ‘do this’, ‘do that’, ‘do this and that’. She probably has a fine way to do it. I mean, okay, I got to open this thing again. Okay, here we go.
She probably has a fine way – she wants you to put the mustard in the fridge in a particular position. Maybe she has a system and she says put the mustard here.
I mean, how to wash dishes. She’s telling you, “Don’t wash them this way. Wash them the other way.” If you agree with her assessment and you want to have a well-ordered fridge, then she’s got a superior system so go with that.
But if it’s completely arbitrary – for instance, if parking on this parking space is the same as parking in that other parking space she wants you to park in, and she’s just used to fucking bullying you… And over the year, the more you allow a bully to bully, the more empowered they will be, and they will just bully you more.
That’s why these guys in Asia who always are like, “Don’t ever stick up to the bully. The best thing to do is turn the other cheek.” That’s stupid. If you turn your other cheek to the bully, the bully will hit that cheek, too.
What is happening over time is, over the years and years it is, the wife is like, “Wow, I guess he just takes that” and then loses some respect for you, right?Disrespect. She loses respect for you and then she bullies you again, bullies you again.
And ends up bullying you on shit that doesn’t even matter. Like, this parking spot versus that other parking spot. It really doesn’t matter. But she’s so used to bullying you and she gets off on it and the power trip.
In this marriage, which is probably passionless, because you can’t have passion if she doesn’t respect you as a man, then what’s going to happen is she’s going to find more opportunities to be lazy. When a person is lazy, they just lash out to other people to take it out on them. So, you’re being the scapegoat here.
And instead of asserting yourself as you should’ve from the beginning – but it’s not too late. You can do it now. You can assert yourself by just simply saying… First, you got to pace the reality, which is you go where she is in her mind. She says, “Go park here.” And you say, “I know you want me to park there.” It’s just pacing what she’s saying, so she knows you’re listening.
Or you can say, “I hear you” or “I understand”, or you can simply just repeat what she said. “I know you want me to park there, but I’m going to park here.” And she’s like, “No, go park there.” And she might come up with a reason or whatever. It’ll go like this. She comes up with Reason A. You say, “I see your Reason A, but I’m going to park here.” And she goes, “No, Reason B.”
And you say, “I see your Reason B, but I’m going to park here.” And she’ll say, “No, Reason C.” And you say, “I see your Reason C, I understand your Reason C, but I’m going to park here.” And she comes over whatever reasons now. Obviously, you listen to reasons. If they are good reasons, then maybe you should park there.
Maybe if the one you picked was a handicapped spot and you didn’t see it. But if they are not good reasons and it’s just arbitrary, and you say, “I understand you, I hear you but I’m going to do what I want to do. I’m going to do this.” And she says, “No!” And if the reasons are bad or if they are irrelevant, don’t argue with the reasons unless you’re trying to arrive at a common ground.
If for instance the common goal here is, I want to organize the fridge in the most efficient way possible, then whatever reasons she’s got you want to dialogue on those reasons.
You’re aiming for the same goal. But if it’s not the same goal, if she wants P and you want not P, that’s a philosophical way of putting it right? If she wants A and you want not A then there’s no point in arguing the reasons. No point because you want different things.
So she says she wants A, and you want B. You want Not A. You just say, “I see you want A, but I want Not A.” Right now, you are in charge. You’ve got the wheel so you park. Whatever goes crazy, especially if you’ve been letting this happen for years, she’s going to go crazy, she’s going to be like, “What the fuck? You dare stand up to me?”
You must always have a way out. If push comes to shove, how far are you going to take it? If she bullies you so you lose all self-esteem and self-respect, over time, you know what is really going to matter? Your sons and daughters are going to see this pattern. They’re going to see how daddy relates to mommy, and they’re going to repeat this pattern in their own lives.
Not only are you fucking up your own life as a defeated male, but you’re going to fuck up all your kids’ lives. So, let that sink in. I don’t know, man.
Do you really care? I’m running through the advice because I’ve given this advice to so many guys. I give the advice and then they’re like, “Okay, no.” Because then they realize, “Oh my god, I actually have to change.”
Unconsciously, they are like, “I have to change? No, that’s too much work.” So then they’re like, “David, it wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t as bad as I’ve made it sound, David. I was just joking” or “It was not that bad, okay? I can live with it.” No, fucker, you asked me, so I’m telling you the fucking truth. You want to deal with the truth? The truth is you’re going to fuck up your kids.
So, look, you can live a defeated life. You can raise your kids up to live defeated cycles, to cycle through a defeated life as well. That’s your life. That’s your kids. I don’t give a fuck. You asked for the truth and there it is.
You have to learn to assert yourself. So two things, you have to learn to assert yourself and the reason she is bullying you is because you’ve allowed it and you’ve enabled her to do it because you haven’t been taking charge of your own life and proving to her, and everyone else around you, that you’re not to be messed with because you get shit done.
If you have a good employee and you disagree with the way he is doing things, because maybe the way you’re used to doing things, maybe you put more commas here or the protocol of the system or whatever.
But if that employee always gets shit down, you trust that employee. Maybe this guy is seeing it differently and has got a better way of doing it. I’ll let him run and let him go with it and see what happens.
That’s what a smart boss does. And then that employee, with this new system that goes against the rulebook of the company, does a great job and does it even better than previously, following the rulebook. You fucking changed the rulebook. That’s what a smart boss does.
Right now, you are the bad employee. You are the employee who doesn’t get that shit done. So, you’re getting mad with the rulebook, what she’s setting down for you is going against what you want. But that’s because the way you’ve been handling things hasn’t been getting shit done.
There’s a lot of losers in this world. I’m not saying that you particularly are. All I know about you is the question you asked and your Facebook profile, but there are a lot of people who aren’t cutting it in life.
They prefer if their economy is being disrupted, that the economy would just go back to the way it was, that the manufacturing jobs would just go back to the way they were instead of being replaced by automation because they are fucking lazy.
So, I don’t operate in that world but I know that most of the world is like that. If you are one of those people who wants to be lazy and wants the world to change, to conform to your laziness, fuck you.
By the way, I don’t give a shit. You’re already fucked. If that’s the way you think – by the way, Jared, you’re already fucked. You can either listen to my advice or continue to live a fucked up life and to pass this down to your kids, and then they will pass it down to their kids – unless somebody changes and listens to David Tian.
There you go. Join the Man Up private Facebook group.Click the link, join the group. I’ll see you inside.
Until then, it’s David Tian signing out. Man Up!