Man Up | Ep. 171 • January 24, 2017
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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Why Is She Withholding Sex From You?
David Tian: Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD. And in this video I answer the question: Why is she withholding sex from you? Welcome to Man Up Episode 171.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, PhD., and this is Man Up!
Hey I’m David Tian, PhD. and for over the past 10 years, I have been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness, and fulfillment in life and love, and welcome to Man Up Episode 171. I’m back in Bangkok, and it’s great to be back. Great food over the past week and a half here, just a great food city. I highly recommend it. It’s also just a great city in Asia, lots of the typical Asian frenetic energy. Anyway, let me get to the question. A question here from Steven.
When I went over this question, I paused on whether I should answer it. It’s such a big topic. So, I’m going to be referencing other videos that I’ve got, that I’ve made on this subject, just for saving time, just for the sake of time. Let me just read the question.
“As I type this, I was rejected sex again and the wife is asleep. I’m so sick and tired of her saying she’s so tired. Okay, before I get persecuted, I will say yes, she does contribute doing the day: work, watching, and playing with her two boys. I do that too along with doing the housework while she sits and messes on her phone. I’m just tired of getting her leftover time, and most of that is, “I’m tired and going to bed.” How the hell did our marriage get here? I’m tired too, but I make myself get over it and try and be available to her and us. I feel like I’m continually getting put on the backburner. I’m so frustrated that I don’t even know what else I was going to say.”
“Why do I feel like I’m the selfish one for wanting to have sex and get frustrated because I get turned down because she’s tired?” Alright, Steven. There’s a lot of ways to go about this, and my immediate reaction was I have this free course. It’s free. A free video course on how to make a relationship passionate. My gut reaction was, “Hey, I made a whole course on that, watch this.” And then I also have a course on, if you’re not sure if it’s a woman, because it could be her, her personality, there’s another course that I made, a free course called “Is She Relationship Material?”
There we go. I’ve already referenced two of the courses I’ve made for free that you can get just by joining the private Man Up Facebook group. Join the group, click the link, join the group. And then once you get inside the group, go to the pinned post and you’ll see the link to get the free courses. Okay, but there are a lot of comments on this, and I tapped on his profile photo, and I see he’s got his cover image and his profile pics just to get a better context for why this is happening.
I also have another video on why most marriages become sexless marriages. Most marriages among modern people, and as far as I can tell in all of history, after a certain point, after the kids start going to school, their marriage becomes more of a routine, and you end up depolarizing, and there’s less sexual tension, and you’re going to end up becoming really good friends together. And then of course the guy can’t just go out and get sex when he’s been married for so long. He’s got no game anymore, and he still needs to get off so he’s like, “Tap, tap. Hey wife, do your duties”, kind of thing, right? And he feels horrible. He’s like, “This isn’t what I thought marriage would be like.”
A lot of guys get into relationships and marriage thinking, “Hey, guaranteed sex. Why would I turn it down? Why not do it, right?” But that actually doesn’t feel good when she’s doing it out of obligation or duty. Now, he’s frustrated like, “Hey, you’re supposed to do your wifely duties for me. You owe me this.” But there’s no passion there, even if she’s like, “Okay, I guess it’s Friday night, sex night, okay, you know, fuck me” kind of thing. That’s not the passionate relationship that anybody wanted. That’s just a sexless marriage.
Now, I fully believe that if you are in this marriage and it sounds like she’s working hard at this relationship, in the sense of working hard in the family. She contributes during the day, works, watches and plays with the two boys. So, there’s probably affection and friendship love. But looking at your profile pic, I can tell just by the way you’re dressed, your fashion, your grooming, definitely your fashion and grooming, your body language, your facial expressions in the photo, your fashion… I can’t get over it. You are definitely not a sexy guy.
I can’t imagine you being a beast in the bedroom, or being dominant, or being able to give her an amazing time in the bedroom. I think it’s a lot more of she likes you as a person, beta male love, right? So, she wanted to find a good guy who’d be loyal, who has got morals and integrity and would be a good father to her kids, and would be a responsible husband, and she picked you. But you’re not giving her fantasies. There’s no sexual tension. And I can tell by the way you look, because I’ve been doing this for over 10 years for a living, I can tell by the way you look in the photos, and the way you’re dressed, and the way you hold yourself, the way you look…
I know it sounds horrible, it sounds superficial, but I’m a pro at this, I can see that there’s no way you know how to turn her on. You can’t turn her on like that, and I suspect, and I’m pretty confident in saying that you probably don’t know how female attraction and sexual arousal works psychologically. Maybe you had sex ed class, so you know how it works biologically, but psychologically you don’t know how to trigger those feelings in her. First of all, you have to understand how you got into this situation in the first place. There’s a video that’s a keynote talk, or it’s a lecture I made. It’s called The Reality Of Women, Sex and Relationships.
Go get that. Go watch that. It’s somewhere in the YouTube channel. It’s not included in the free video courses, because it’s already free on YouTube. So, go ahead and get that education. You have to learn why she’s not turned on anymore. You have to learn why she got into this relationship with you despite the fact that you don’t know how to arouse her. You think it’s natural, blah-blah-blah. Maybe in the beginning because of her stage in her life when she met you, and the stage that you were at when you guys met. But over time, you didn’t have those skills, you didn’t have that understanding, so you can’t turn it on and off.
You don’t know how to arouse her. Learn how to do that. But first, understand why you got into this relationship and that you’re in this situation. Go watch The Reality of Women, Sex and Relationships. Also, watch the lecture I did on Love Versus Attraction to help you understand the context of where you’re in now, the situation you’re in. And then there’s a free video course on how to turn her on and all of my courses actually teach how to arouse your female partner. It’s very important in a relationship.
With that caveat, the fact is: the way for him to learn how to be good with women, specifically with his wife, he’s going to have to be charming, be flirtatious, be teasing her, and have the banter, and then to turn on the sexual tension. That’s not something that he can just do in a relationship that they’ve been together for 10 years or more, that he can just suddenly start practicing with her. She’s going to look at him like, “What’s the matter with you? What are you doing? Why are you being all weird?” She’s going to think, because it’s suddenly out of the ordinary and you’re doing this. And you’re going to feel shot down, because you’re going to put yourself out there, you’re like, “I learned this thing from this video. I’m going to try it now. Oh, she’s not into it” because her first reaction is going to be, “Why are you different?”
And instead of saying different good, she’s going to be like, “Why are you different?” You haven’t built up your confidence yet. You’ll just shrink it and be like ‘oh’ and then not doing anything further. The guys who actually can improve on turning women on, flirting with them, making them giggle, and being able to calibrate attraction, they need to have lots of different practice partners on this. You don’t have to go all the way. So if you have moral issues with sex, no problem. I’m just talking about flirting, having lots of interactions with females, and getting that flirting thing going. And then getting all of the–
Like, the preponderance of reference experience. Not every female is going to respond to you just by the nature of things, but the more of them respond and you see that more of them respond over time, you get better and better, you start to feel more confident that you’re able to do this. And then you’re going to piece together that skill set, right? You get the experience, you get the skills because you’ve been practicing, and you get the confidence in your skills. And when you have your wife, then you know how to actually turn it on. Because if you just have that one partner to practice with and she’s not very cooperative, and you’re a total wipeout, you’re not going to get any better. You’re just going to give up.
So, the unfortunate thing is, guys who are in the middle of a long relationship, I can’t just teach them the way I normally teach a single guy. He doesn’t have the freedom normally, unless he’s in an open marriage, in which case they probably wouldn’t be in this situation so much. But if he’s in an exclusive, committed marriage, where he can’t flirt with other women and things like that, it’s going to be hard for him to develop those skills. So what do we do? Well, I’ve created a whole other course that is coming out of beta now. We’ve been testing it for over two years called Rock Solid Relationships. I’ll be releasing that sometime this year, but until that gets released or launched, what I do with the guys who are in the relationships is teach them two things.
They don’t have to be suddenly James Bond or suddenly like Russell Brand, and flirtatious, and getting her turned on, and things like that. Especially if he is, like I see Steven and I can tell by the way he looks, that he’s going to be very conservative and close-minded around these things. So I’m right now not even speaking directly to Steven. I’m speaking to guys who are in similar situations as Steven. Hopefully, you’re open-minded enough to be watching this far into the video.
You could become a really good ladies’ man. That’s something that you can learn. That’s something that every man can learn. If he just keeps an open mind and goes through the process, he can learn those skills. He can learn how to be flirty with his verbal, he can learn how to be sexual with his non-verbals, and he can learn how to hold himself with the way he talks, walks, and moves, the way he uses his eyes and so on. He can become a very sexual guy, and his voice and so on.
But like I said, in the absence of the freedom to get lots of different practice experiences and reference experiences, he’s not going to be able to develop the confidence in his skills or develop the skills at all. He’s going to give up because that one partner, who has known him for over 10 years, is not going to be very encouraging of change. So in that context of a guy who is in the middle of a long-term relationship, doesn’t have the freedom to go hit the bars or to the coffee shops and flirt around with new girls, and to develop that skill set and confidence, what can that guy do instead?
Well, here’s what he can do: two things. This is what I teach in the free video course on how to make a relationship passionate. He can learn two things. And the thing that I think Steven needs to focus on first is developing his masculine polarity. If she’s feminine and just judging by the photos, just the publicly available photos, I think your wife is a more feminine woman. She’s got the makeup. Obviously, she put time into her hair and her appearance. She cares about those things. Her core essence is not masculine.
So she’ll respond sexually only to a masculine essence, masculine energy, I mean. And if you’ve been for a long time away from your masculine energy, or if you never were strongly in it – because I suspect that you guys got married because she was looking to settle down and wanted to find an upstanding beta male to marry, who would be a good husband and father, a loyal husband and father, and responsible and all that. But he’s not the bad boy, he’s not the sexy guy, he’s not the guy who’s going to be spanking her in the bedroom, who turns her on and gets her wet. That’s not you. I can tell by the photos.
You need to develop your masculine polarity. That doesn’t mean that you need to be a ladies’ man. That doesn’t mean that you actually have to talk different or whatever. You just have to develop more of your killer instinct, of your stand up and fight, no nonsense, and also being more in touch most importantly with your sexuality. I can tell just by the way you hold yourself and the way you dress, and just your grooming, that you’re pretty uptight and you consider yourself ‘conservative’. You don’t take risks. You don’t like to show your body, to be silly and fun is another way of going about it, to be very comfortable with your body, your sexuality, and then going for it; being more dominant in person and your personality, in your character, being more of a leader.
Because right now, you’re begging. Right now you’re a little kid, like: Why won’t you have sex with me? [whining] Instead of “come here”, but leading her with your eyes, leading her with your mind, leading her with your desire, and your lust, and turning her the fuck on with your masculine killer instinct lust. That’s something I’m going to go into a lot more detail in my much longer, bigger course, Rock Solid Relationships. But in the free video course I’ve made already inside the Man Up group, in the primer we call it, there’s a course on how to make relationships passionate. It’s a quickie course, like an hour or so, and I gave a teaser, it’s like an abridged version of how to develop your polarity, or what your polarity is as a man, masculine essence and core, how to develop your masculine energy.
The second thing is, as you become more masculine, as you get more in touch with the killer instinct in you, the step it up and go and get what you want, when you see what you want, you go and take it and you lead and things like that. Don’t wait for permission. You know how to project that energy just through your eyes, and your voice, and your face, and your body, and being very comfortable with that. When you have that, then you can also develop alongside that, and you need to develop alongside that, presence; being fully present with the woman, where your entire mind is focused on her and entering her mind.
You need to balance that out. You need to have those two together. You don’t want to just be full-on masculine. The full-on masculine, go and take her, that’s good. That’s necessary and it’s good. But to sustain the long-term relationship, you have to have that emotional connection. The most important way to do that – in a way that turns her on – doesn’t make you guys into best friends or anything but turns her on sexually, is bringing your full presence, emotionally and mentally, feeling what she’s feeling when you’re looking into her eyes, being very in touch with your feelings at the same time, and being fully, 100% thinking what she’s thinking, feeling what she’s feeling, entering her spirit. Not wondering what’s for dinner tonight, or when’s the game on, or how can I get mine? None of these self-centered thoughts, but going right to where she is and feeling her emotionally and physically later on.
That’s leading. So starting with presence is a form of masculine leadership. Bringing your presence is a form of bringing that leadership presence to your relationship. If you had the luxury, and I think you can still learn theoretically how arousal and attraction can be incited and created, ignited, through the skill set of doing that, understanding that – maybe you don’t need to practice it, but you can at least understand it. You can get educated around that. We have a lot of courses. I have a lot of courses on this.
And actually, I have a free course called How To Turn Her On you can start on right away for free. Absent that though, let’s bracket that, because I don’t expect you to go and get practice that. Focus then on the two P’s first and foremost, because just by looking at your profile, you’re very far behind on the masculine polarity thing. Masculine polarity does not mean uptight, does not mean covering your body with many layers, clothes that don’t fit you, clothes that are too baggy, hiding behind these things; not putting yourself out there instead, being comfortable with your sexuality.
Most males in Middle America have not developed their masculine essence. They think they are because they shoot some guns and they work out, but actually they’re not comfortable with their sexuality, they’re not comfortable with being in their bodies, and they’re not comfortable with masculine leadership yet; with being that leadership role in the bedroom. Instead, they have these other outlets to play a man. But when they’re in the presence of a woman, for whatever reasons maybe, it’s all about politically correct bullshit, the feminism bullshit, they hold it down and they’re waiting for permission to be sexual, or they feel guilty just for having sexual thoughts, and that’s very little boy. That’s very anti-masculine.
That’s the masculine polarity you need to develop, and then to bring your presence fully, and that’s an emotional, psychological courage that’s required when you’re with her, to be fully present with her, to be fully-focused on her, not thinking about yourself, or your own thoughts, or your own internal dialogue, but fully with her. I cover that in a lot more detail in the free video course on how to make a relationship passionate. Go there. Join the private Facebook group, get the free video course. I made that for free, man. Just join it and get it. You have to take extra steps, because when I just put it out for free, I find that – like, this video is going to be out for free, and out of all the people who watch it, this many people are actually motivated to follow through on it. That’s just the way the public is.
I don’t want to give pearls to swine. So if it’s really, really awesome, I want the guys to go through one or two extra steps so that they really will pay attention and cherish it more, appreciate it more, and then they’ll follow through on it. That’ll increase the chances of them following through and applying it. Because unless you have followed through and apply it, you’re not going to become fans. I don’t want you to watch it and get tickled. I’m not here to entertain you. My job is to transform, transform people. I’ve been doing that for over 10 years. Trust me. I can read you just through a couple photos in your Facebook profile. I already know what the problem is: you don’t know how to turn her on. You don’t know how to bring it in the bedroom. You don’t know how to bring it to turn her on and lead her to the bedroom psychologically.
Those are your problems right now. Yeah, it might be her, it might be she’s going through menopause, that might be the case, right? But based on what I’m seeing, I don’t think she’s going through menopause yet. It’s time to ante up, boy.
Alright man, so there you go: passion equals presence and polarity, masculine polarity. You can get more details about that in the free video course.
Until I see you again, join the private Facebook group. I’ll see you inside the group.
Until then, Man Up!