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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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How To Have A Relationship With A Woman Who’s Not That Into You
David Tian: Boom! Stop. In episode 79, I answer the question of, how to have a relationship with a woman who doesn’t have that much physical lust for you?
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up!
Hey it’s David Tian and welcome to episode 79 of Man Up. I am in Tokyo, if you didn’t see the previous episode. I’m going to show you this view again. Check it out! Rushing to the airport, literally on the dot now we got to run.
Okay, so here I am and I’m answering a question from Winston in the private Facebook group. It’s rather long. Let me see if I can summarize this. Okay, he’s in a relationship. He called it a loose relationship, I think. I think the question is really they have intimacy commitment but the girl feels like she lacks somewhat physical lust towards him.
And he’s bulking through workouts, he’s upping his style and his fashion, I assume that’s what he means. But he’s on a student budget so he can’t be too fancy. She says, she’s preoccupied with other things and doesn’t think so much about physical intimacy.
So he’s wondering what is going on. She says she always misses my hugs and being physically close to me but I’m not sure how that translates to having no physical lust.
So basically the problem is they’re not getting it on physically and he’s wondering why. He says they’re both Buddhist. They both meditate though he does more than she. And they both have similar life goals and so on.
Okay, cool! So he’s a med student, I’m not sure. But that’s not relevant. So here we go, so I’m going to try to answer this question, quite long. So Winston, there are two possibilities. One is that the girl you’ve gotten into a relationship with isn’t horny. I mean she’s not very physically… I mean, but there are people like this, right? So I know dudes like this who are more focused on school work or whatever it is but they like connection.
They want to have that emotional connection. And you’ve said, so the other part… the other way he phrased the question is he’s not sure of the difference… she says, she can’t figure out the difference between being best friends and having a romance partner. But she loves coming over to meet him and so on. If she’s not a physical person in terms of like, if it’s not normal for her to… here are some other things I can ask you.
Does she enjoy using her body to express herself? Does she enjoy dancing? Does she enjoy yoga or other physical movements? Does she enjoy physical movement in general? If she does, then the problem is you.
If she doesn’t enjoy physical movement and she just sort of lives in her head, like in other words, she’s more intellectual, like I grew up with people like that – I used to be like that. That’s the way academics professor are, they’re like head up. If that’s the case, then she’s just cerebral, then at this point in her life, this is the way she might just be.
She just might be less inclined to physical expression because she’s less in touch with her physical body than the average people.
I think she then can work on it in terms of – and I think she would be a lot happier – if she got more in tune with her physical body through things like yoga. That would help. Meditation, you guys mentioned meditation, that it can help as an added element or component to an overall lifestyle that supports all of your physiology in your full living as a human being with your body.
Instead of just living too much in your head, I think that can actually be a dangerous way to go when it’s just purely in your head. So she needs to get in touch with her body more. If, however she is, I don’t know based on your question whether she is in touch with her body and enjoys physical movement, because if she does, then… well you’re working out and bulking – but there are obviously things you can do to more sexualize your image and presence – I’ve created an entire course on that sold by the socialman.com.
So you can go over there and check them out. Socialman.com and the course is called “The Desire System”. So you can figure that out from there. It’s a short course and it’s a quickie. You can get through it pretty quick.
We also cover it in “Limitless”. That’s a physical man, that’s like how you look on the outside. So don’t change things like your tonality, your body language, your fashion. To sexualize your fashion rather than just having it fashionable. So instead of a sexual fashion, having more sexualized fashion. And these are all different courses that I put together.
The fashion course is four hours. And there’s an advanced fashion course which I’ve only covered live and we might at some point do a recorded course on that. I suspect that, given what you’ve said that it’s more of her so that’s her personality, that’s her, who she is right now.
And you got to ask yourself whether this is the kind of person and the kind of relationship that you could be happy with. Because you don’t want to be in the position of trying to change her. She might change and hopefully for her happiness she will change.
Because I think it’s just better, research has shown, to be more in tune with your body. So don’t try to change her. See if you could be happy with that type of relationship and that type of person. It would be great to encourage her to do more physical movement and to enjoy that better.
Okay, great! I got to run to check out, and to the bus and then to the airport. Until next time… oh wait! Join the private Facebook group. Click the link and join the private Facebook group. Now I’ve got my health back, I will be doing more of these next time, probably in Singapore.
Okay so, until next time, man up!