Man Up | Ep. 223 • November 29, 2017
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD, and in this video, I answer the question: Is she being spoiled or is it just you? Welcome to the Man Up show.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, PhD., and this is Man Up!
Hey. I’m David Tian, PhD., and for over the past 10 years, I have been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness and fulfillment in life and love. Here we are in Bali. This is from our ocean suite, ocean villa balcony, and it’s right on the ocean. It’s pretty nice. This is the Westin in Bali. They’re undergoing some renovations, and I’m looking forward to seeing it when it’s done. Anyway, we’re behind. We’re actually late to go to the airport, but I’m going to shoot this last minute. Bali Airport isn’t all that nice anyway, but we’re late so it’s going to be short.
Okay, this one comes from Ude. Ude says:
“For the first two years, I would do everything for my girlfriend. But the last year or so, I’ve grown sick of a lot of things that are very inconvenient or don’t appear to make sense to me.” I’m going to read out his question, because this is a very common issue where guys think they have a problem here, but the problem is actually way down underneath. What he thinks is his problem, his real problem is actually much deeper.
He says: “It has hurt our relationship to the point of breaking. I’m trying to get my point across to her, but it’s not working. Am I in the wrong?” Okay, some examples he gives, “I am working night shifts. My girlfriend decides to go out and get her car repaired. She finds out it’s going to take 3 hours and she didn’t want to wait at the stores. She calls me in the morning, 3 hours into my sleep, to come pick her up and drive her home and drive her back. She’s an hour across the city.” It’s like a two-hour drive.
“Normally, a year or two ago, I would’ve bit the bullet and done this. If this was an emergency, I would’ve picked her up. If she was closer, hell, I would’ve even picked her up. I tell her I’m going to sleep, take a bus or a taxi, I will even pay for it. Find someone else. I need to sleep. I can’t do it.” She goes on a long rant of how she would do it for me, etc. This pretty much was the breaking point of our relationship.
Some other examples: “Driving home after a long day, I ask if she wants to grab a bite to eat on the way home. I list 20 places we’d drive home on the way home. She says she doesn’t want any of them, she wants X, which is far away in the opposite direction.” Final example: “She wants to buy shoes. We’re right beside a big mall that we don’t go to very often. I say, “Let’s go inside.” She says she wants to go to a different mall, slightly bigger, across the city, because it has a better selection. I say, “Let’s check out this mall since we’re basically here. If there’s nothing there, we can go to the slightly bigger one.” She doesn’t want to.
Okay, she wants to go all the way across the city to do her thing. “These are some of countless examples. Like I’ve said in the past, I would do all of them, but I just don’t feel like living like that anymore. Am I wrong?” Yes.
Now, a lot of the comments here are like, “She’s being an unreasonable, spoiled brat.” They’re all right. It’s all true. She’s being a bitch, but are you wrong? Yes, you are wrong. Why? You ended with this and you said this multiple times in your question. “In the past, I would do all of them, but I just don’t feel like living like that anymore.” Hey, Ude, when you have a kid, you’re going to fuck him up. Why? Because when you feel like it, at the beginning of the relationship, when everything is fresh and new, you’re going to do all of this stuff that you’re not willing to do for the rest of the relationship.
In other words, you have baited and switched. If you’re going to be this inconsistent also with anyone else in your life, you’re going to see that they’re going to be pretty pissed off, or they’re going to be very confused, or even mess up your kids if you parent them like this. You have to be consistent. One thing I recommend you do is to get a dog. If you don’t train the dog properly and you’re inconsistent, it’s going to be peeing and pissing all over the fucking house, and then you’ll have to get a new one. That will force you to fucking wake the fuck up.
This is a bait and switch. It is her fault in the sense of she’s being spoiled and a brat. She should’ve been socialized earlier. You guys aren’t that young. She should’ve figured that out earlier. She clearly was spoiled, powertripping or whatever. First of all, you picked her and fed the beast. You set a precedent earlier in the relationship saying, “I’ll do all of this stuff.” Guys, if you’re not willing to do the thing that you’re doing at the beginning of the relationship, don’t do it. Don’t bait and switch. Don’t manipulate. Don’t lie.
Because you think, “Oh, I’m on my best behavior.” No, man. That’s a way of tricking people. That’s a deceitful thing. It’s a bait and switch. Don’t be bait and switch. Be consistent, transparent, and fully you all the way through. Don’t be on your best behavior, and then suddenly go Jekyll and Hyde on her further into the relationship and say, “I’m willing to do that anymore.” Then you shouldn’t have been fucking doing it in the first place.
Okay, so pretty simple. Hey guys, I started a podcast, DTPHD podcast. We haven’t yet released the first episode, but it’s coming up in the next week or two. Look out for that. It’s going to be a weekly podcast. I’d love feedback on that. It should be somewhere on the same YouTube channel for now. Look out for that. Also, I’m going to be putting out some more content here, longer form. Anyway, there you go.
Join the private Man Up Facebook group. I’ll see you inside the group. Until then, David Tian, signing out. Man Up!