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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
Connect with David Tian here:
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How To Get A Mentor
- David Tian Ph.D. shares how you can raise the standards of your peer group through the Rule of Five.
- You can make your coach your mentor, David Tian Ph.D. explains how you can do this.
- In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. tells us what we can do if we don’t have a prospective mentor in our peripheral network.
David Tian: Boom! Stop. In episode 91 of Man Up, I answer the question of how to get a mentor.
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hey, it’s David Tian, Ph.D. and welcome to Episode 91 of Man Up and we are here in the suite, we’re holding one of our summits here in Bangkok in this beautiful penthouse suite at the Méridien and we’re on coffee break right now.
So we got some sweets, way too much sugar here for everyone in there but you know we also balanced it out with some fruit, coffee, and tea. Okay, going in here, going to the suite. You see there’s a bedroom back there and the guys are chatting. Here’s our Mastermind, it’s pretty casual and one of our guys came in from the US and brought a lot of..yeah, some special treats there. I’ll be here, so let’s just do it here.
Okay, so I got a question from the private group and it comes from John and basically it boils down to, how do I get a mentor? So, let’s answer that first. This is ironic because we’re filming it at the Mastermind and that’s all about your peer group, raising the standards of your peer group because the quality of your life is a reflection of the expectations of your peers.
You might have heard of the Rule of Five, you become like the five people you associate and spend the most time with. So these are all ways of explaining the same thing.
So why would you want to get a mentor? – It’s to level up. That’s the best way to get anywhere by the way. So just motivating that question from John.
So I’m trying to keep this short. So I’m going to try to do five minutes here. Just one more thing actually, anytime I want to get really good at something fast which is like time is really valuable for me especially these days, I will pay extra to get the one-on-one coaching whether this is in business coaching or fitness or martial arts or whatever skill I want to pick up or language, I’ll hire a tutor.
I’ll hire the one-on-one coach because the time savings is like a 10/1 on that and time is very more valuable to me than usually the cash value of the coaching time. So anyway that’s something I do so I know really well how to get a mentor.
Now, a mentor and a coach are different things or a teacher and a mentor are different things. So how do you make a coach into the mentor? That’s the most direct route. There are ways to get a mentor who is like a friend who takes you under his wing and all that. That’s a more secure route that takes a longer time.
That is about building a relationship and cultivating a relationship and if you have the connections you should seek that person out. If you know somebody who’s a friend of a friend or your uncle’s friend or something like that you should take them out. Treat them to a coffee and be very careful with their use of that time, really appreciate it. List your questions out ahead of time.
Do the homework on this guy and the first thing you should do whenever you meet them…so that’s the best way, the natural way but what if you don’t have a network? What if your friend’s of a friend of a friend or your relatives aren’t able to give you access to the people that you were wanting to be your mentor?
And by the way, you should find a mentor who is a minimum five years ahead of where you are in reaching your goal. Preferably a guy or a person who’s 10 or 20 years ahead of where you are in reaching that goal that you’re looking for and that’s somebody that I would pay if I were you for the most direct route, if your network does not include this person.
If your peripheral network does not include that person, I would pay for the coaching as your foot in the door and have that one session or maybe that intro session and then just the difference you’d have to make there is that you have to move beyond just a student-teacher relationship.
So that’s when you then get them emotionally invested in your outcome, in your success and you have to show them that you’re actually leveling up, you’re getting better and better and better and after that, once they get emotionally invested on you they will give more than they would in the terms of time.
As soon as somebody is emotionally invested in you they’ll be thinking about you outside of their billable hours so to speak. They’ll be taking you under the wing. They’ll be taking you for social events and actually bringing you into their lives.
So how do you make that jump other than achieving and doing what they’re saying and doing really well at it?
Well, the first thing is you should give value. Like try to give as much of yourself to meet their needs. And now you’re like, “Well I don’t have anything to give to this mentor?”
Well, actually that’s the question I’m going to answer in the next episodes so I’m going to bracket that but the first thing you should do is to get them invested in you, you need to open up and be completely vulnerable with your weaknesses.
You don’t try to hide like don’t try to pretend to be better than you are and then you get them – they’re going to help you now because you paid them to start but now they’re going to become invested in their own work.
They’re giving you coaching. They want to see the outcome of that. Nobody enjoys putting time into a client or into a project and not getting that project to fruition, not seeing the results of it. So they’re going to be invested in you just by the nature of you opening up and allowing that work to happen and then you actually doing the work. The next question I’m going to answer is directly related to this so make sure you also look at Episode 92.
The last thing I’m going to mention is that you need to look for criticism. In fact, a lot of the guys who want to get mentoring they’re afraid of criticism. It’s like they close up when they start to actually get critical feedback. You should seek out critical feedback and like a good mentor or good coach at the beginning we’ll be careful in the way that he words criticism so that you don’t close down and get offended but that’s just sort of a waste of time.
So he doesn’t have to do a slow startup and a warm up to the criticism just get right to it. “Just give me the three things I’m doing wrong, the two things I need to do as a result and let’s get to it now.” And that attitude will really endear you to your coaches and turn them into mentor it will get them emotionally invested in you.
Okay, I hope that was under five minutes and I hope you can hear me over the conversation in the room. So that was Episode 91, make sure you join the Private Facebook group, join the group. I’ll see you in the group and make sure you ask your questions there and I’ll see you in the next episodes as well. Until next time, Man Up!