Man Up | Ep. 145 • October 05, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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David Tian: Boom! Listen up. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and in this video I’m going to answer the question, “Does game work in marriage?” Welcome to Man Up Episode 145.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hi! I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and for over the past ten years, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, fulfillment, and happiness in life and love through the application of ancient wisdom and cutting-edge research. And welcome to Man Up Episode 145. I am in Singapore right now, the sun is setting, the office crowd is walking into the bar, you got some beautiful skyline behind me and the sky is turning a pink hue.
We got a question here from the private Facebook group. This one comes from Jim, and Jim then followed up with another question saying this is advice he got from a dating coach, and what do I think of that advice. So, it’s a two-parter. I’ll do it in this one episode for you, Jim. So, Jim’s question is, “I’ve been married for 22 years, got four kids. Here’s the problem: My wife and I don’t have sex. Maybe one time a month, but she rarely gets wet. We used to have a wild sex life before kids. What do you recommend I do in this situation?”
And then this follow up is – I’ll just read the part where the dating coach gave him advice. And it’s like this, “She’s no longer sexually attracted to you. Here’s what you’re going to need to do. Don’t be so easily or physically available. Humans don’t value that which is easily available. Value and female sexual attraction are very closely related. Bring playfulness back into your relationship with her. Tease her, leave her wanting more, then walk away with a light smirk on your face going – she’s dreaming of what you might do to her. What you’re doing with these proven principles is bringing higher status and attractiveness back into your relationship.”
“So David, what do you think of this advice?” So, I think it’s shit advice. Well, it’s like 90% shit. First of all, it’s 10% because it’s generic advice. So, if you take it very broadly, it might be okay. But I could tell based on the concepts he’s dropping, the terms of art that he’s mentioning here, that he’s actually got something more game-y in mind.
So, humans don’t value that which is easily available. Value and female sexual attraction are very closely related. So, what he’s saying is, don’t be easily or physically available. Basically, you’re in this relationship with a 22 year old marriage. Like, 22-year marriage with this woman with four kids, and he now wants you to play hard to get. I mean, fuck.
So, the stuff that works in game time, when you just meet a girl in a bar and you’re texting her, and, “Oh, now I got to get the attraction back. I’ll go cold for a while and she’ll come running back.” That shit don’t work in a 22-year marriage.
And the big mistake is, game coaches take what works for them for the first hour of contact, into the first three hours of contact time, and then they extrapolate that into the three or four months or relationship, or three-year relationship – or even worse, 30-year relationship and they think, “Just keep doing the same thing. Just keep doing the same thing you were doing when you first met her, like when you’re gaming her, and you’re playing hard-to-get, and you’re going cocky-funny.” Because he’s going, “Be playful and use higher status.”
So now, in a woman who knows you for 22 years, over 22 years. I assume you dated her before you got married – and four kids with her, you’re now going to pretend to be higher status. Right? Are you kidding me? You’re going to be giving her DHV stories or some shit?
This is what game coaches – I used to say pick-up artist coaches, but now all game coaches rat on pick-up artists. So, we’ll just call them game, guys who coach in gaming. This is the sort of advice they give. Like, do this sort of pick-up artist stuff, or cocky-funny, higher status, jack your value, demonstrations of higher value, be less available. She knows you so well, 22 years. It’s not what she needs. This is actually going to make it worse, and she’ll see right through all of these games.
Some of the lines he’s given is – as an example, “Tell her: if no one was here, I’d have you bent over that table doing all kinds of things to you.” Okay, if this guy in a 22 year marriage is not being playful naturally, is not being dominant sexually, naturally, if he hasn’t had sex in over a year, is he going to be very easily going to be able to say lines like that? Fuck no.
And what happens when he starts to mouth these lines, starts to say these out loud? The wife’s going to be like, “What’s wrong with you? Why are you pretending? Why are you being fake? Why are you being false?” And this is what results – why game coaches suck at relationship advice.
All of them. Now, some of them who are now married, I’d had good discussions with them about relationships, but they’re in no position to give advice yet. And the reason why is, because they haven’t done the hard work. They haven’t done the research into psychology, into clinical psychology, into developmental psychology, into counseling or therapy; they haven’t done that work.
So, unfortunately, you’re getting very unqualified advice from these game coaches. And here’s what I’m going to leave you with. I’m going to leave you with two pieces of advice. There’s a lot more to be said. I in fact have a full weekend – it’s a 21-hour coaching weekend called Rock Solid Relationships that not just draws on my experience, and not just on my experience of hundreds of real life clients and thousands of online clients, but also in the extensive, in-depth research into counseling, couple’s counseling, couple’s therapy, that I’ve done myself. And that I’ve done in universities here in Singapore and around the world.
But I’ll leave you with two pieces of advice, and they both begin with P to make it easy for you to remember. So, I take very complex information and make it applicable into bite-sized, easy to remember, easy to apply knowledge. So, the two pieces of advice begin with P, and the first is presence. Just bring your presence.
This is something that every man can do. So, what you’re doing when you’re with her, is you’re having all of these second-order thoughts. “What can I say in this situation that would get her to be sexual with me?” “What does she think of me? What’s the best thing to say?” All of those thoughts are – they’re going to take you out of being present with her in the moment.
Instead, be fully present, meaning think about her, her emotions, try to feel into her. That’s a special phrase. Like ‘feel into her’. Feel into her interior world. What is she thinking? What is she feeling in this moment? Make strong eye contact with her and really try to be empathetic. Fully enter into her situation and be fully present with her, not have any other thoughts about yourself, or about the situation, but fully about her and what she’s experiencing.
Okay, so when you’re having that talk with her – even over dinner – be fully present when she’s telling you about her day. Ask her about how it feels, ask her and be fully present with her. Don’t be like this unavailable guy and pretend to disappear on text. That’s going to really backfire, and every guy in a long-term relationship knows that’s going to backfire.
And then when you bring in your presence, you’ve got to pair that with polarity. So, when you were first going out, assuming you had a passionate relationship, that meant that you had a polarity in your relationship, that is: she was feminine, you are masculine, whatever up and down that would be. So, that creates tension and that’s good. That creates sexual tension.
And overtime, you become who you spend time with. And if you spend 22 years with her and raise four kids with her, you spent hell a lot of time with her. And a lot more time than some of my clients have been alive. And what that means is that you have depolarized, necessarily just as a matter of course. It’s just natural. And you have to now actively work against that to maintain and grow your masculine presence.
So, it’s really about bringing presence and masculinity together; your masculine presence. What that means is, that you’re going to work on becoming naturally dominant in your life. And that comes from simply this: on a daily basis, you seek out challenges and you go and meet those challenges. You go to the edge of your comfort zone and take one step past that. And on a daily basis, you push yourself.
Whether it’s physically, emotionally, or mentally, to do new things, to challenge your comfort zone, to challenge yourself and to grow in your masculine essence. That’s a quickie piece of advice. I could go into a lot more detail. In fact, I’m thinking about making a free video course just on this, to introduce guys, to go a little bit more detail on it than I can cover in a simple Man Up video.
But just to get you started, polarity and presence; bring your masculine presence to her now, because it’s something that’s actually in you, you just have to recover that. Don’t try to be like some playful guy all of a sudden, some cocky-funny guy all of a sudden. Don’t start gaming her now 22 years into the relationship. She’s going to see right through it and it’s going to be fucking fake.
So, that’s one of the biggest mistakes like I mentioned. So, a takeaway: Don’t listen to game coaches about relationships. Delete all of those fucking emails, just ban them from any kind of – Once they start giving you advice on what to do with your girlfriend, just fucking ban that shit, alright? And listen to qualified advice. And I gave you two pieces of advice that was presence and work on your masculine essence, bring your polarity, to create that polarity in the relationship.
The polarity creates the passion. So, that’s 3 P’s for you: passion, polarity, and presence. Alright, so that’s pretty heavy and deep for Episode 145 of Man Up. Join the private Facebook group. Click the link below. We approve requests every day and I’ll see you inside. The sun is setting. We got to get out of here. And I’ll see you inside the private Facebook group. And until then, Man Up!