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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
Connect with David Tian here:
DTPHD Podcast Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/dtphdpodcast/
Man Up Show Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/
Nervous To Ask A Girl Out
David Tian Ph.D. shares that there are many other things that are worthy of much more fear than asking a girl out.
David Tian Ph.D. tells the men who are afraid to man up.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. reveals what men need to fix first if they are scared to ask a girl out.
David Tian: Boom! Stop. In episode 93, I answer the question of what if you’re too scared to ask a girl out.
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hey, welcome this is David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up Episode 93. By the way, I just came out of the gym and showered and everything but came out of the gym and I’m sweating. I don’t know if you could see that. I got that metabolic burn going, should last me two or three hours but I want to shoot before the sun was completely gone.
What I’m doing right now is, I’m actually shooting in the dark and then letting the camera adjust the brightness so that you can still see the background as the sun’s setting. It’s a lot darker than it appears I think.
Anyway, so it’s episode 93. The past four episodes have been, I started off by saying episode 89, episode 90. I did that twice and that’s because we actually shot episode 89, oh, I shot it in my suite, 89, 90.
Then we had the Mastermind Summit which was amazing and you got to see a bit of that in waters numbered now numbered as, should be 91 and 92 but it was just too crazy in there and a camera guy and me.
We just lost, we miscounted which episode we’re on. So I said 89 and 90 even though we’ve already done 89 and 90. So now anyway we’re in 93 as we ought to be. Episode 93, which is really cool, almost to a hundred.
We committed when we started shooting Man Up to 50 episodes and here we are almost doubling it. We’ll see how much longer we can go, maybe to 200 or 300. Wow man, that’s a lot.
So now, we’ll see, really it’s driven by your questions, so if you want me to keep filming, answering questions please ask me questions. If there are no questions, I can’t film right? So, it makes sense. Okay, so a few other things I wanted to say. Well, forget it. Let’s just get right into it. I got a question from Vincent, if I think of what I want to say earlier I will say it.
So I got a question here from Vincent in the private Facebook group. Join the private Facebook group, a lot of love to the guys of the private Facebook group. Thank you guys who have been posting long stories about how awesome – these awesome insights you’re having. How much better your lives are as a result of those insights and the way you’re living.
That really matters to me, I mean like, it really makes me happy. So, thank you and I really appreciate you if you’re watching this. It makes a big difference to me. I really appreciate it. I do not take this for granted at all.
One other thing, they guys who are asking questions in the private Facebook group which is all the awesome guys in the private Facebook group. So what’ll I do is when I’m ready to shoot, I hit record as well. Just before I hit record, scroll down to see the last question that I answered and then I look at their question above that.
So I try to do them chronologically. One of the things I noticed though is, if somebody comments on a much older post, it then jumps up. Unless I look closely at the date, it looks like it was there and so what I’ll see is sometimes, I’m like okay, I’ve answered that question but then I missed these ones that were beneath it because I thought it was chronologically arranged but it’s just because somebody commented on the bottom of that and that pushed it up to the top.
In other words, if you asked a question and I haven’t gotten to it in two or three weeks, please go ahead and just tag me in the comments and boost it back up so I know. But please don’t keep, well, go ahead and comment guys. It’s my job to look at the dates and I will try to make sure I don’t miss any of the questions that I said I would answer.
Okay, so Vincent asks a question and it’s a long one, several paragraphs. I’m going to have to summarize it and hopefully keep this under 8 minutes. So I try to keep them under 5 so 8 is already quite a bit.
Vincent is studying nanotechnology in Germany, love that. And he met a really beautiful girl in one of his classes. “We texted for sometime but at that point I was too scared to really ask her out on a date. After one year and really contact with her I finally ask her out. She said yes and we went on a date.”
Those are two sentences and from those two sentences you can already know a lot about Vincent. So Vincent is he’s not a man yet. He’s a boy and by that I mean, it took you a year of texting her to finally ask her out. You didn’t tell me what you guys did on this date but probably dinner or something boring like that.
You could ask her out for coffee and then had one on one times is just as good if not better and it took you a year to do that, a year of texting and it’s because you said., “At that point I was too scared to ask her out.” So you’re a student studying something very complex, nanotechnology and I assume you’re at least 18, 19?
And that’s the transition period. Okay, so this is cute if you’re like 10 years old, you got a crush on a girl in your class and you’re too shy to ask her if she wants to be your Valentine then you work up the courage to do it and there you go.
And it’s okay to do that, I mean, you’re young and you’re trying to grow up and that’s the problem and this is the perfect group for you. Now if you’re a graduate student or something then you’re really behind. You really need to be a man.
You said you’re too scared to ask her out. There are a lot of things to be scared about in this world like ISIS, battle, death, being killed by a gun.
There are a lot of things to be scared of. There are many other things that are worthy of much more fear worthy than asking a girl or talking to a girl and asking her if she wants to go to coffee.
Now in the PUA world they even give it a term for the sort of this fear, it’s like approach anxiety and that kind of make sense if it’s like when you’re cold approaching somebody.
So like direct sales like cold approach sales is scary, I mean, it’s not something that’s the norm, growing up cold approaching friends but this is somebody in your class and you’ve known her for a year and you’ve texted her that’s a different type of fear. It’s not approach anxiety, that’s just fear.
So when guys ask me, “I’m afraid to do X, Y, Z what should I do?” – The answer is always do X, Y, Z. You must do whatever you’re afraid of, just go and do it. So you really need to do you’re X, Y, Z, go and do it. If you’re afraid of it you must do it and it’s just the process of manning up and facing your fears and stepping through and going to do it.
Anyway, the answer to all of his problems is he has to man up. He has to go on. No matter what even if you were to get this girl, like you could take a pill and suddenly you know how to ask a girl out and whatever. It doesn’t fucking matter because you’re afraid, you’re scared. Anytime there’s a fear-based question the problem fundamentally is always the fear. You got to fix the fear first because nothing else after that matters.
That’s part one and we’ll call that Episode 93. For the guys who are asking longer questions I might break up the question like I am now for Vincent. So check back Vincent and check back for the rest of the story but that first diagnosis is fear-based and that’s the first thing.
That’s the most important thing you got to fix. Nothing else matters. If you’re too afraid to talk to a girl then you’re not a man yet and that’s okay, most of the world isn’t men. Most of the males in this world no matter what age they are, are not men yet because what they’re afraid of is something that 100 years ago especially 2 or 300 years ago your forefathers would have laughed at , I mean, there are a lot of things you should be afraid of.
Talking to a girl in your class is at the bottom of that fucking list and while you’re still a little boy and you’re pussy because you’re sheltered in your little comfortable first world life then everyone else is a pussy around you and you think it’s okay. It’s not fucking okay.
On that note, join the private Facebook group. We’re going to continue with Vincent’s question but we already know what the fundamental problem is but there’s still a lot more questions so I’m going to answer that. Thank you for watching Episode 93, come back for 94 where I finish out that question. See you in the private Facebook group. Join the private Facebook group, see you there. Until then, Man up!