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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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What If My Girlfriend Makes More Money Than I Do?
In episode 1 of Man Up, we’re going to be talking about what to do when your wife makes more money than you and you feel insecure about it and what the heck is social value?
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up.
Welcome to episode 1 of Man Up, our first ever show. Nobody knows how it’s going to go but it’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time. Got sucked into the internet marketing world for a little too long and now it’s back, I’m back to do real content and have it coming out on a regular basis.
That’s the hope, anyway, and we’ll see how it goes. So I’ve got questions for each of these shows. The idea is to answer one or two questions. We’ll start off with a question from Jay’s friend. Jay is writing on behalf of his friend, forwarding messages from his friend. There are three separate messages, I’ll piece them together.
Let’s see here: Basically, my wife makes more money than me and she wants out of the relationship now. And then he writes, how the hell am I supposed to compete with making that much money? She makes six figures easily without a degree and the only way I can compete is when I get my degree in one year. Fuck, I’m feeling low.
It’s a blow to my ego as a man especially when the woman makes more money than the man. So here is the rest of it, so the background here – I’m not going to read the whole thing, it’s a very long email – but he says, I know I should put a higher value on myself but in today’s society, the value of a person is determined by their income. It’s hard to move on from my wife when her value is so high right now. I’m just so confused.
She wants to make it work and part of me also wants to, but I have this feeling that I can’t compete with her value and she will more than likely leave me in the end. The other part of me knows I should work on myself then I may find another woman to make me happy but it’s hard to find a woman of my wife’s value, beauty and intelligence. Well if I don’t find someone better, my ego may hurt and I don’t think I can recover. Can you help me?
Okay, so Jay’s friend, this is actually a very common issue for guys who are following what came out of this thing called ‘The Game’ – this book called the ‘The Game’. That was my start about 10 years ago, getting into pick-up and that whole underworld of PUAs and cold approaching and all that.
Here’s the sad truth: most of the guys never even succeed at that. So cold approaching and actually becoming a really good pickup artist, however that goal is defined, is actually really difficult for most people, for most guys. But even if you’re the 5% who actually persists and does your thousand approaches or whatever and gets the results, you’re still going to be miserable!
Just like Jay’s friend who – I didn’t read the early part of it – but the beginning of it was how he was really, really great with women and that’s how he got this wife, this really hot wife. Now it’s kind of falling apart because his inner game, his value system – actually scrap the word inner game.
Just focus on your value system. What you stand for, what your principles are in life, what your ideals are, what your purpose in life is, what meaning you have in life – was never determined, he never figured it out. He never fixed that part of him. He said he just covered it over with pick-up artist techniques, learning some lines, routines, learning how to calibrate.
What ended up happening was he fed the beast. What’s the beast? His ego. The beast of the ego that needs validation, that needs a woman to say I’m good enough, that needs a woman to like you in order for you to say to yourself: I’m worthy and I’m good enough. So this is the unfortunate outcome.
Eventually, you’re going to lose this game because there’s only so high you can climb in terms of value. So the other side of this is – so first of all, if you keep focusing on getting results from women to tell yourself you’re good and worthy, like you’re the man – and by the way there’re lots of ways this comes out.
Like guys who show other dudes photos of their girlfriends in order for them to go like, “Yeah, I’m the man.” – very dangerous. Anyway, that’s happening, that’s feeding the beast. In the moment, before you started you didn’t even have a beast, you know what I mean?
Your beast was so disempowered that when you’re feeding it, it feels good. But eventually the beast eats you, it gets out of control and the whole thing blows up in your face. And this is the other side of it – social value – that’s the second part, the other side I wanted to bring up here.
When you are focusing on social value – so PUAs have distorted this word: value. I was a professor in universities teaching Philosophy and one of the courses I taught was Moral Psychology and I taught Ethics and Moral Philosophy, in those courses, when we talk about value, there are entire fields of study on value, value theory.
We don’t mean the same thing as what PUAs are distorting this word to mean. So when a PUA uses that word, value, it’s very tricky to the mind. Because in the mind, the unconscious mind, you probably have heard the word value used in many good ways. Like in terms of moral value or the value of a human being and so forth. But when a PUA doesn’t specify the type of value he’s talking about and just says, “I need more value,” and “What’s the value of somebody?”
What he’s really talking about is social value but he conflicts those, he just confuses them.
So let’s be clear about the kind of value that’s being talked about here, it’s very dangerous to focus on that. So what PUAs clamor for is to raise their social value. But what happens is their world shrinks to the world of what the attractive women they’ve been told value – in most of the cases those are girls in clubs, night clubs – a very small percentage of the world.
Most of these guys are well meaning, well intentioned good guys who have gotten lost in this because they’ve either given up their own values in order to get pussy, basically, or they never had their own values, never thought about them explicitly. And they ended up adopting a whole other value system that is going to eventually sabotage them.
Because when it comes to social value in a night club, where social value as far as what the society that you’re thinking about, Jay’s friend, values, if they value money more than being a good person, they value money more than contributing to others, if they value money more than compassion, then yeah, no fuck, you’re [unclear 0:06:52] to be your value.
The only way you’re going to win is if you make more money. But that’s because you’ve taken on this value system. Do you really believe that? Do you really believe that if you had $4 Billion you could be a douche bag and kill puppies and still be a really great guy versus the guy who has no money but saves puppies?
That’s just an example I made up. But think about your value system because one of the most important lessons that a guy should take away from coming to our training at Aura Transformation – or getting coaching with us – is to think deeply about values. And that’s something that we do in all of our programs.
We have a really big program called Limitless; it’s a 10 week module. The very first module starts you on value and values, getting you to think about the relation between various social values. There isn’t just one hierarchy of value by the way, it’s all relative. So be careful whose set of values you adopt for your own. Especially in a night club, it’s always stacked against men.
Night clubs are not there to service men, they’re there to take men’s money. That’s why women are always just generally going to have higher value than the average man. The average woman is going to have a higher value than the average man in those places. It’s fighting an uphill battle and it’s an empty, empty life.
The sciences also told us, by the way, if you adopt a value system that is materialistic and just values money, you’re going to end up being miserable any way or it’s not going to affect your happiness. If you’re unhappy now then you’re going to be unhappy with money, it’s the same thing.
It’s not going to do anything good for you. So that’s just me attacking that social value system. If in the end you adopt it, that’s your decision and you’ve just chosen to eat the poison there. Just so you know what you’re getting into. This set of values’ incredibly superficial so of course you should feel like a loser because in fact you are a loser on those sets of values.
What you should do instead is to think deeply about what values you stand for, what’s important in life, what your meaning and purposes are in life. And like I said, Limitless starts you right off the bat with that.
In our live events in Singapore – we do them once a year in America –we have a series of events where we take you through finding your life purpose. Which is weird but you know how important that is. A great book, everyone should have read by now.
David, in this field, [unclear 0:09:16] man and it starts on the whole issue of finding your purpose. And your purposes change as you evolve but having a purpose, having passion for that purpose, having meaning in your life, grounds you, so that you’re not thrown here and there like a boat in a storm thrown everywhere, out of control.
Which you will be, by the way, this is the PUAs who think they’re in control but really what’s going on is they’re buying into a value system that ultimately will crush them. So this is the end result and I feel for you. All I can say is this is the time to re-evaluate what your purpose is in life, what your meaning of life is for and what your values are.
All right man, so that’s episode 1. Big milestone there finally got that done. We’re going to be turning up more of these. So what I want you to do is – I want to get more questions from you, so what we’ve done is we’ve created a private Facebook group. So go ahead and join that group by clicking the link.
In the group – I know some guys might be hesitant about just posting their questions for everyone to see – so it’s a private group and we have to approve you to join. Just post your comments or your questions there and I’ll be getting to them in the next shows. All right, man. Over and out.