Man Up | Ep. 135 • August 30, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of Asian philosophy who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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David Tian: I answer the question of: How do you deal with haters?
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hey! It’s David Tian, Ph.D. And for over the past ten years, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success in life and love, through the application of ancient wisdom and cutting-edge research. And here I am in Taipei. This is the country of my birth; here for a family reunion. I’m going to try to show – I’m at 101. Let’s see if I can show you some of this – Sun Yat-sen Memorial. You can see that’s the Grand Hyatt. Great view up here. It used to be really hard to get up here because of all the Chinese tourists, but now there are political tensions so the Chinese tourists have not been coming so much.
So, finally get up here. Peace and quiet a little bit in the early-ish morning. Up here with family. A full week family reunion. Family flying in from all over: California, all over the US, Canada of course, Japan, Taiwan, around the region. So, really nice to see family. And just to take this moment to shoot this quick video for you. I just also wanted to say to the guys at the Man Up show, that our production over the past few weeks has gone down to one or two videos a week, partly because of 10 Weeks to Freedom, which launched about a month ago.
And it’s a brand new program and it’s been a lot of work for us. Didn’t anticipate how much extra work it would be, because it’s so high-touch. A lot of live coaching in that group, taking a lot of time, like hours and hours a week. But it’s been great and the guys have been doing phenomenally. So, I’m so proud of the guys in the group. We’re just about halfway through the ten weeks and it’s been great. So, I’m actually going to be shooting another video for them today, and then going live with them for an hour tomorrow, so they can look forward to that.
But anyway, for Man Up, hey. I got a question from the Man Up group. I had to pick a short question because I’m using the same phone – I only have one phone with me right now, and I can’t read it right off because I’m filming. So, the question – which is a short one – is how do you deal with haters? Because I mentioned haters in an earlier video. So, that’s a quick one I can do right now.
And then in the next day or so, I’ll shoot one with a proper camera and everything, and read off the questions. But just catching up on the production, by the way, of Man Up. I will be moving back to the three times a week scheduling, so look out for those. And if you’ve been wondering when is your question going to get answered in the group, it will be now. So, I’m going through those systematically and answering all the ones that I can answer in the group.
Okay, so it’s a question about haters. It’s an interesting question. One of the reasons why it came up for me is because one of our brands that our umbrella company handles is sort of in the fitness space, and it’s insane how many… So on the weekends, when the team is off, I have to police the comments, so to speak. There are comments on videos, on some of our content, and there are a lot of trolls. And reading comments, and having to police them, and delete all those stupid comments, it’s just a reminder of the detritus of humanity.
But then, I realize that most of humanity is detritus. Like, most of humanity is not an A student, is not elite, is not intelligent, is not educated, is not disciplined or persistent. I mean, just by definition, for you to be at the top, working real hard and elite, by definition most of the world would not be there. And with the kind of way I police my own peer group – not police, that’s the wrong word – protect, and choose, and curate my peer group, to allow those that I choose to influence me, it’s always like ice cold water being thrown at me when I have to go through those comments.
And some of the other ones that I’ve been looking at on videos – for instance, Six Pack Shortcuts is a big company on YouTube, and Dan Rose and his team have been doing some great things who are just also breaking stereotypes for Asian men – mostly Asian-American men. So, I’m a big supporter of them, with what they’re doing. I haven’t tried any of their programs yet. They’ve got some new guys because Mike Chang stepped down. And the amount of hate at the bottom of those comments, it’s just so unexpected.
It’s not even my company, I don’t even know those particular guys in the videos, but man, it’s so undeserved. They’re just going at this racist stuff, random shit. Like, they don’t like the way the guy – his posture and stuff. And it’s one thing if you just point it out, like point blank, “You should work on your posture” or something. But just the level of stupidity… So, I don’t give credence to idiots. And when you’re at the top, the number one guy is going to have a lot of haters, just by the way things are, by humanity.
And I was thinking today, because recently there was the McGregor-Diaz which I watched, which was epic. There was something that McGregor said a few fights ago, which is, “Losers focus on winners, winners focus on winning.” I don’t know if he got that from somewhere else, but I thought that was a great quote. I thought that was a great saying, and it sort of encapsulates my own view of haters.
First of all, haters can only get to you if you let them. So, if you give credence to their comments. Right now, I love watching my one and a half year old nephew, who’s up here running around somewhere, and I imagine if someone just said mean things to him. I wouldn’t want him to take them to heart, because he doesn’t deserve any of those. And if he can protect himself mentally from those, then he’s all set.
And the only reason a hater’s comments can get to you, affect you, is if you allow it to affect. If you give credence to their comments, to the person making the comments. And I’ve been trying to tell you that most of the world has no right to say anything about you unless they earn it. Focus on winning, focus on doing what you’re doing. Don’t let the losers hate on you. Losers focus on winners.
Be at the top, at the top everyone wants to bring you down. That’s just the way humanity is. So, as long as you don’t allow them to get to you. Now, the other thing is, if you’re in the presence of a lot of haters, it’s almost inevitable that a part of it… It’s like if you have this really strong dam, but the water is just too strong it can overpower. Or even if there’s just too much water, it’ll go over the top. So, police your mind, protect your mind. Stand guard at the door of your mind, because my team is off in the weekends, the ones who do the branding that I was talking about earlier. I have to go in there and just make sure that the comments are not creating a really negative vibe on that content.
And that will affect me, but then if I read enough of them it’ll be like, “Oh god, man.” They’ll bring me down a little bit, but only because of the – it’s just getting inundated with meaningless shit. But just clean your mind and surround yourself with the right people. Limit the amount of exposure you have to that kind of negativity that’s not constructive. And realize this, that most of the world – if you’re a winner, not everyone can win. Even in school, you know not everyone can get an A. And especially as you go higher up into the university. Actually, at the very highest levels, everyone can get an A. In grad school, if you get a B, it’s kind of like a failure.
But at the undergraduate level, when you have a lot of people – and think about the world population. When you have a big class, most universities require you to curve. And in fact, it’s a natural way of the universe, the Bell curve. So, if you’re at the top, that means most of the people that you encounter are beneath you. And they’re going to want to bring you down because of the Machiavellian evil in human nature.
And there’s so much. I think the internet allows that to come out, but it was always there. I mean, if you just look at what’s going on with the conversations around the presidential debates, it reminds me of how many stupid people that are out there. When I started Man Up, I explicitly made it Masculinity for the Intelligent Man, because I did not have any interest in speaking to those who are unintelligent, who are unmotivated to learn.
So, if you’re watching this and this show resonates with you, you know what I mean. If you’re intelligent, you understand most people are not. Don’t let their comments and unintelligent feedback or analysis get to you. Again, obviously, if it’s constructive or if you want to reach them in particular, and they’re telling you about how they feel, then that’s good information and good feedback and you have to take that into account if your goal involves them. But otherwise, why are you speaking to haters and losers?
Focus on winning. Get your thing down. Know what you stand for. Set your goals, set your purposes, and follow those, and move towards those, and keep making progress towards those. And allow only those that you give authority to, that you give credence to, only allow them to affect how you feel and to take their feedback into account.
So, you know, I’ve always had a lot of haters. In fact, every number one person around the world will have haters. It’s necessary, actually. Just because there’s always a percentage of people in the world who are negative, and will rather break down… Instead of like… Those are Gary Vaynerchuk ideas, instead of building the tallest tower – ironically, I’m in Taipei 101, freaking high tower. I’m not sure exactly where it falls in the spectrum of ‘high towers’ but it’s pretty high. You can either build the highest tower or you can tear down the skyscrapers that are bigger than you.
Most people do the lazy thing because tearing down is easy. Tearing down, you literally just blow it up and it can happen very quickly. Building something takes a long time. And winners build, losers try to tear down. So, just simply don’t give them credence. They’re like little kids who don’t know what they’re talking about. They just go, “Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah” because of some emptiness or neediness in their heart, or bad parenting, or whatever, right? You have to make a decision to stand guard at the door of your mind and not allow them to get to you.
And that’s a decision you make. You are in complete control of who you allow to make you feel bad about yourself. And then you also are in complete control who are allowed to make you feel good about yourself. So, curate it as well, curate it both ways. And so, it’s not just standing guard, but proactively looking for a great peer group who can support you and challenge you. Alright, so I think I’ve said enough for now. I’m trying to keep these short. I got to go find the family somewhere in here and leave you with one last view. It’s pretty amazing. And until next time, join the private Facebook group. I can answer your questions in there. And I got to go hang out with some family. Alright man, until next time, join the private Facebook group. I’ll see you inside, Man Up!