Man Up | Ep. 179 • March 13, 2017
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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David Tian: Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD. And in this video I answer the question: How to attract women when you’re rebuilding your life? Welcome to Man Up Episode 179.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, PhD., and this is Man Up!
Hi. I’m David Tian, PhD. and for over the past 10 years, I have been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness, and fulfillment in life and love. And here I am in Bangkok, outside this very fancy mall called Central Embassy. They have the most amazing movie theater, the best movie theater experience in the world, but I don’t want you guys to come and ruin it for me. So, never come here, alright?
But anyway, it’s a nice background, and right there is a sculpture by an artist named Pataro, who is famous as I was just told. So, here we are. And it’s loud, a lot of traffic, and going to have to do some noise reduction, but I thought I’d give you some nice background.
Okay, private Facebook group for Man Up. By the way, welcome to Man Up Episode 179. This is coming from Tristan. So, Tristan asked a question, it’s pretty short, so I’m going to read the whole thing.
“Basically, I just recently got out of a relationship with a girl that I was really into, the reason being that I float by in life and I’m not reaching my potential, and gave me the whole stipulation that we might end up together again if I show that I’m living to the potential that she sees. To be honest, I don’t want her back. I want to find someone that won’t give up on me and have a passionate, meaningful relationship where my partner feels secure.”
“Right now, I’m not doing well in life, and I definitely have to change that beforehand, but I’m concerned about accidentally finding someone that I click with while I’m in the process of changing.” You don’t want to accidentally find anyone, I suppose. Okay, so TLDR, “My question is this: What is the best way to show a woman that I can be a good, potential mate, even though I’m still rebuilding my life?”
Okay, great. So, he’s got a little bit of a Marilyn Monroe quote in here. And that’s fine. You want to find somebody who is not waiting for you to fulfill your potential. It’s a good thing that she’s leaving you, because yes, you should only be in a relationship with somebody that you don’t want to…
I mean, maybe you can hope that the person changes, but your happiness in the relationship should not be dependent on that other person changing. So, good for her to leave, and good for you not having her in your life. You guys just won’t click, and that’s a good thing.
But the real question you’re asking here isn’t about her, it’s about your concern about accidentally finding someone that you click with while you’re in the process of changing, and you say, “How can I show a woman that I’m a good potential mate, even though I’m still rebuilding my life?”
Here’s how you do it: you rebuild your life. This is how I hear ‘rebuilding your life’ very fast. So, just get on that progress and that should be pretty obvious. So, if you’re looking for a woman who is only going to like you once you have reached the finish line of your life, then you’ll never meet a woman who is actually going to be happy with you.
Whoever you meet should love you when you’re on the journey, just as much as when you have reached the finish line. The woman shouldn’t be – her happiness and love for you should not be dependent on you achieving some great trophy. This is the other thing, right? It’s like these guys who think – I just covered this in Episode 174, and earlier in 170.
So many people in the world only like me or other people because of the things that we have accomplished, but they don’t like me when I’m coming up. It’s like rocky, it’s like – what’s the girl who goes like, “Martha!” Or was that Batman and Superman? Anyway, the girl, Rocky’s girlfriend – what’s her name? Adrian.
Adrian in the Rocky series, if she only loved him after he won, but she didn’t love him while he was fighting, and working his way up, well then, fuck that bitch, right? It’s like right now, Connor McGregor and Dee, right? That whole thing of like – she was with him even before he fought the first time, just when he had just started to decide to be a pro fighter.
And you know, she was with him all the way to the top. Now, I don’t know if they’re going to stay together, but what is great is, he chose the woman who was with him on the journey up, who chose to love him even when he wasn’t winning yet, even when he wasn’t a champ yet. That’s the type of thing you need to be looking for. Not just your mate, but in your friends.
I feel like the way you guys treat yourselves, is that you’re only going to love yourselves or accept yourselves when you have become a winner. In the meantime, you have this inferiority complex of low self-esteem, and I know, all the fucking marketing – I mean, look at this marketing, right?
All of this luxury marketing is telling you you’re not good enough unless you buy their shit.
PUA marketing sells the same thing. I’m from within that industry, I came out of that industry. PUA industry is dependent on you not being satisfied with yourself. PUA industry is dependent on your not loving yourself, not being satisfied and being confident in who you are right now.
They want to – right now, what I’m doing is I’m taking that wound, I put pressure on the wound. It’s like you have a wound and I’m just making it worse, right? Because the more you feel that pain, the more you’ll buy their shit. Hopefully you realize that I’m not trying to do that, so I don’t give a fuck, right? I’m telling you right now: the root to your happiness is, first, it begins with self-acceptance.
It begins with loving yourself the way you are, because only then can you drop all the other bullshit that you’ve been trying to live up to and then finally, for real, live a life of passion. Because most of the time, we’re living our shoulds. We’re just living up to the shoulds that have been imposed from our parents. “You should be this way, you should be that” by marketing, by society, by ‘bros’, that you should have a body, have a good body, you should make a lot of money, you should do all of this.
And then only when we’ve managed to live up to those shoulds do we then have the opportunity to finally sit back and say, ask ourselves, “What do I really want to do?” I have all of this money, I have the body, I have the girls, I have all that I need. Now, what do I want? And you know, I’m 40 years old now, and only in the past few years have I really confronted that question.
That should’ve been from the beginning. What are you passionate about? What do you really enjoy? What would you do for the rest of your life if you didn’t have to make money, besides sitting on the beach? That gets boring pretty fast. What would you do if you didn’t have to live up to all the shoulds that have been imposed on you since you were a child? What would you do? Do that.
So right now, you feel inferior, you have this low self-esteem, based on the fact that you don’t feel like you’re good enough, and you’re hoping the woman will love you when you’re good enough? Fuck that bitch. If she only loves you when you’re good enough, well, fuck that bitch. She’s not going to be there when the times are hard. She’s not going to be there when you’re going on that journey, and you’re working your way up.
Look for friends who are going to be there even if you don’t succeed. Look for friends who are going to be there for you if you try to your best and you don’t win the trophy. Look for the friends who will love you for you, not for the shit that you have done, or for your fucking resume. Fuck the bitch who looks for your resume. Fuck the friends, the fake friends who are only around when you’re on the top, when you’re winning.
Fuck that shit. They don’t actually like you. Well, they like you, they don’t love you. They’re not your real friends. But I know most of the world, they’re like that. Most of the world are superficials, fuck-all, meritocratic… Well, actually, it’s a bad meritocracy. So, I understand. Most people in the world aren’t genuine and they won’t give out real, sincere love and appreciation.
So, maybe you just got to make do. But I don’t make do with that shit, fuck that shit. I only allow people in my life in terms of friendships and relationships that are there not because of the shit that I do, or accomplish, or my fucking resume, but for me. So, even if I get hit by a car, God forbid, and I’m quadriplegic and I can’t do all of these things…
Or maybe I get brain damage, and suddenly I can’t – there are friends who will still love me anyway. That’s what’s important. They will love you for you. By the way, this is building on themes from Episode 170 and 171. If you haven’t seen those, make sure you watch those. If you want to go deeper in this, we have a series of courses that are there to build your self-esteem, and to teach you, and to lead you, into this self-discovery, self-awareness, self-acceptance.
And it starts with Invincible, and it builds into Rock Solid Relationships, Masculine Mastery, Lifestyle Mastery, a whole series of courses. Just a quick plug in case you’re interested, but I put out a lot of free stuff. So, join the private Facebook group to get access to the free courses. And in the meantime, I got to eat. I got to get some coffee, man.
So, the sun is setting and we got some errands to run. So, thank you so much for watching. I’ll see you inside the private Facebook group. Thank you Tristan for asking that question. I’ll see you inside the group. Until then, David Tian, signing out. Man Up!