Man Up | Ep. 134 • August 18, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of Asian philosophy who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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David Tian: Boom! Stop. In Episode 134 of Man Up, I answer the question of: How do you make the girl choose you instead of your friend, even if you’re stuck in the friendzone?
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Welcome to Man Up! My name is David Tian, Ph.D. And for over the past ten years, I’ve been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success in life and love through the application of ancient wisdom and cutting-edge research. Actually, I should say a million people but I learned from some of my marketing friends that that’s overshooting as far as people’s expectations. It strains credulity, but that’s actually the truth so just saying.
Now, Episode 134 that we’re in and I’m answering a question from the private Facebook group. Oh, by the way, we’re in our new offices here in Singapore. You can see Singapore behind me on a nice sunny day. It was raining just a little earlier, but sun’s out and it’s good to be here. The video should be a little better than I usually make it because I got my crew here.
Now, answering a question from the private Facebook group, from Rens. Rens says – and it’s a long question – “Hello David, let me start by complimenting you for the work you do. Your videos and articles really help me cope on my mission to get better with women, women in general.” Great! Thank you very much. I’m glad that’s the case, Rens.
Now, I’m going to try to summarize this question. He has a specific aim, namely a woman he’s completely fallen in love with over the years. She’s been a friend of his for nearly two years now and he says he likes her from the very first second he met her. Unlucky him, she did not like him back, which frustrated him. And he gave some personal background information here, he acknowledges that this is a friendzone story, that’s funny. And by the way, there is a free video course that I’ve created for how to get out of the friendzone and stay out of the friendzone.
To access that, you can go to Pinned Post under– on the pinned post. So, if you’re on mobile, a lot of guys who are in the Facebook group, because on the phone it just says “View Pinned Post” in a text and you have to actually press it. On the desktop, that pinned post stays at the top the whole time, you clearly see it. But if you’re on mobile, like most people are becoming more mobile – mobile phone – you have to tap at the top, it says “View Pinned Post”.
So, when you do that, you’ll see a way to get the friendzone course.
So you met her two years ago at the local theater where he was at a show, okay. They talked for several hours, they felt a connection but he was too afraid to escalate on her. Well, not exactly sure what that means but just taking it to the next level. There are many kinds of escalation. There’s verbal escalation of many kinds, taking it from platonic to personal is a kind of escalation, then personal to interpersonal, and interpersonal to sexual. Those are all different ways of escalating.
There’s also the traditional PUA escalation of number closing, and kiss, physical escalation.
You will always be in the friendzone if you’re too afraid to take things to the next level; to dare to risk. There’s nothing anybody can do about that if you’re a pussy, except to put you in more and more situations so finally one day you will man up. There are some things, actually, you can do like join our course Invincible because we directly speak to your unconscious mind; to give you the courage. You actually harness your own internal fortitude to inspire and motivate yourself is actually what happens.
But short of that, like the average person who’s not ready to take action, who is not serious enough about what it takes to change his personality, to transform into something better, into somebody better, there’s nothing anybody really can do for that. So, I do as much as I can with these free videos, but if you’re not willing to step up, but your money where your mouth is and actually get help — Like, in every area of my life, I’ve done that, to get help.
Right now, I’m getting one-on-one expensive movement coaching, acting coaching, voice coaching, business coaching, sales coaching, more business coaching. For those who are successful, who lead great lives, they always invest in themselves. So, invest in yourself; make that a habit, to invest in yourself.
So, back at Rens here, but– By the way, friendzone course is free. So, I made that free so you can always learn about that. It’s like a 30 to 40 minute crash course. I hope you don’t crash, but a primer on getting out of the friendzone, staying out of the friendzone. Okay, met her two years ago at the local theater, was too afraid to escalate.
After she had given me her phone number, I immediately started to chat with her over WhatsApp. This is a very typical thing. Guys who are too afraid to escalate suddenly get balls when they’re just using this fucking phone. That’s why Tinder is such a disgusting thing, but anyway…
We got into the rapid rapport phase. Okay, they had lots of nice conversations. After a while — oh, they had a lot of nice conversations on fucking text. You got to put out there. I read that and I’m like, “Oh, you guys actually met and had conversations.” Not really, they had conversations over WhatsApp. “After a while, I asked her out.” See, that part comes after the nice conversations.
When guys ask girls out– I got this the other day on the preview… We did this charity event here in Singapore, and one of the guys in there, he was meeting a girl he used to date, who still kind of wants to date him but he’s just lacking knowledge about psychology.
Anyway, they were meeting at 11:00PM because they’re both in school together, in university or college. And they were meeting to do ‘schoolwork’ at 11:00PM, just the two of them on a Thursday night. And I’m like, how is that not a date? And he’s like, “Oh, because we’re not going out for dinner or something.”
That’s why you all suck. You need to get the Perfect Date course. By the way, I’ve got a free course on that too! Yes, you’re welcome. It’s free. So, go on the pinned post, click on “How to Have a Perfect Date” and you get your e-book and checklist there, so you’re welcome.
Learn what a date really is, you motherfuckers. You guys are all going to fuck it up because you keep having too much formality, too much, ugh… You know, it’s just too much structure. Because you’re anal-retentive in a way, right? Because you need everything planned out perfectly because you don’t want to take risks, so you have to ask her out on a date. You can’t just meet up, just the two of you, and have it casual and see where things go, right? You need to go through all of the courtship stuff.
Now, I understand women who want to be courted. Women who want to be courted are women who want to — Well, unless they’re older, because they’re just fed up. If they’re in their 30s and they’re kind of fed up with just hanging out, I get it, right? They want a guy who is serious and not going to waste their time, right.
But if she’s younger, under-30 or under-25 especially, the girls who want to be courted are the girls who want to use you. That’s right, man. And you’re just setting yourself to be used for expensive dinners, and you’re putting yourself in a position where you’re investing a lot more time and effort than she is. And whoever invests more, invests more of themselves, of time and effort, is going to be more attracted. That’s just the cost-worth connection that’s covered in social psychology and basic social psychology 101.
So, there are a lot of things you’re doing to put yourself in the friendzone, Rens, is what I’m pointing out, alright? You’re WhatsApping endlessly. When you do meet for the date, it’s like, “Oh, I asked her out on a date.” Never just ask a girl out on a date. Ask her out to an activity. The date is doing something, right? Fuck the date. Do something on the date. If you’re going to have dinner, then you ask her out for dinner. You’re not asking her out for a date, you’re asking her out for dinner.
Dinner is a bad first date, by the way. But if you’re asking her out to, let’s say, a movie, then ask her out to the movie. You’re not asking her out for a date, you’re asking her out to a movie, and a movie is a horrible first date also.
Instead, just get drinks. You’re asking her out for a drink, that’s all. The way you ask your buddy out for a drink, that’s all. Casual, right? Unless you want to get married with her within the third date, you don’t need to go all 18th century courtship bullshit. Okay, back to the question.
She says she did not see it as a date. Yeah, she just shot you down, man. Your first date request she said, “I’ll go out with you, but by the way, it’s not a date.” Basically, she’s teaching you how to date in 2016. So, don’t put all this in there, man. Just keep it casual. Just keep it casual, then she’s guessing, “Does he like me? Does he like me?” Confusion at the beginning in a woman’s mind is excellent.
Confusion causes tension, unpredictability. This is what causes, “Ah, ah!”, the romance to happen. If everything is predictable, “Okay, now I know I’m about to enter a contract that can potentially lead to marriage”, it’s very unromantic, man. So, I’m helping you out with so many ways here, but there’s so many…
I’m going to start doing these things called Inner Game Alert. Inner Game is not from PUA, by the way, it’s from sports. The first book that really used it was The Inner Game of Tennis, so I have no problems of saying Inner Game Alert here, which then will lead to techniques problems and strategy problems. But your inner game is messed up here, around the whole idea of courtship versus 21st century dating.
And women are the most adept at that. She is putting you in your place right now. She is saying, “Hold on, too formal. I’m not ready to get married yet, okay? So, let’s just hang out.” She’s putting you in– And then because she had to explicitly say that, she’s now friendzoned you. And if you know anything about social psychology, you’ll know that when you voice it out, when you say it, it actually creates reality; commitment and consistency.
Go read, and study and memorize a classic book in social psychology called Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini. If you haven’t heard of this book at the very least, then I had lost all respect for you. If you haven’t read it, then you can’t hang, okay. I’m sort of exaggerating for effect here.
“For me, that was a sure fire signal that I’d ended up in the friendzone.” Great, Rens is an intelligent man. “And I’ve been trying to break out of it ever since.” Once you find yourself in the friendzone, you’re already in troubleshooting, you’re already in damage control. The best thing you can do is to go to the pinned post above, enter your email in there and get the free video course I had made for you on how to get out of it, because it’s a very delicate situation.
We’ve been running these cheap Facebook ads to see what response we’ll get with various ad ideas. I’ve been having a lot of fun with those. And in the comments, I get repeatedly, over and over, this limiting belief that, “You can’t get out of the friendzone! What a scam. There’s no way! Once you’re in the friendzone…” And I was like, “Oh wow, I didn’t realize just how strong this limiting belief was out there in the world, out there in the world.”
But Rens, you’re intelligent. You realized it is possible to get out of the friendzone. Maybe you’ve watched a lot of Hollywood movies, rom-coms, and you’re like, “I can be like that guy who’s in the friendzone and out of it!” Alright, but it’s very difficult for the average guy to get out of the friendzone; almost impossible if he’s truly in it, and I think you are.
“For me, that was…” Okay, “Yesterday, we had another date, after which she told me that she had finally gotten to know me better. However, she still did not think of me as potential boyfriend material.” Ugh, when you audition to be the boyfriend, when you’re waiting for her to decide whether you got the job as a boyfriend, you are already fucked.
The fact that you put yourself in that position has already guaranteed that you will not get that position. So, I cover this in great detail as far as mindsets go. I cover this in Limitless and then Invincible, all of our courses. This is all Inner Game Alert, this is all mindset and psychology. So, it doesn’t matter what you go in there, with what lines and words you say. If your mindset is wrong, if your perspective and approach, your perspective is wrong, then whatever– If your frame is wrong, then whatever she responds or reacts to you, you’re going to have the wrong counter, kind of response. You’re going to have the wrong response to her response, and this is clearly, from the very beginning, you’re having mindset problems here.
Okay, so you’re putting yourself in the supplicant role. You’re putting yourself in the applicant’s role for a position that you should be in the role of wondering whether you want to take it. “Hmm, let’s see. Let me audition you, while you audition me.” That’s true gender equality, alright? But you’ve already thrown your gender out the window, thank you very much for trashing all of us men. Just kidding. And putting yourself in a supplicant role; you’re waiting for her to decide whether you got the job. If you do that, it’s already game over.
“She says she was not intending to give me new hope.” Oh, smart girl, and yet she went on dates with you. “She made a clear impression of that yesterday.” Okay, so you forced her hand to make it clear that she just wants to be friends right now. “How can I find out?” No, it’s clear. I mean, you’ve already said it. Stop being in denial, Rens. You already know you’re in the friendzone.
“And if she really has this crush…” Oh, I’m sorry. I missed the sentence. “I strongly suspect her from having a crush on my best friend. She made a clear impression of that yesterday. How can you find out?”
By the way, you young boys, you think that when you are attracted to somebody, that it’s a done deal. Like, the way you think of it is binary. It’s either you’re a boyfriend or you’re not a boyfriend, and you’re trying to move from not a boyfriend to boyfriend land. And you think, “Once I enter boyfriend land, she will be attracted to me for life!”
Welcome to psychology, in human psychology. It is time to leave the world of engineering and bullshit, and finally understand human beings, and human psychology means that every minute your feelings can change. If you’re basing it on that and that’s what you’re going at, “Does she feel a crush to my best friend?” Maybe today she does, tomorrow she doesn’t. Maybe at this minute she does, then you show up totally different and you rock her world with your personality, and she suddenly is more attracted to you.
It changes over time, okay? So as far as attraction and having a crush on somebody, that’s feelings you’re talking about, not a status like marriage. That shouldn’t be purely based on feelings, though many people get married just purely based on feelings and stay together purely based on feelings. And if they do that, they will be another statistic in the ‘Divorce’ column.
So going back here, who fucking cares? She could be into him today and tomorrow not into him anymore. She could be into a new guy the next day. I’m waking you up to the reality of human psychology. “And if she really has this crush…” Okay, everybody listen up. This is his real question. Alright, listen up, everyone. “And if she really has this crush, what can be a technique to make sure she will choose me instead of my friend?”
I’m trying to contain myself from blowing up at this fucking camera. So, at the beginning of this question I thought you were really intelligent. In other words… So everyone listening, he wants to find a technique that will basically mindfuck her into not liking that guy and to like him. Even if he could mindfuck her with this technique, it’s not the real you. Right? Like, let’s say we could give her the equivalent of a date-rape drug for her mind. A mind-rape drug, right?
So, you trick her, like a Jedi mind trick, “You will now be more attracted to me.” Let’s say that happens, let’s say you can do that, and now she’s attracted do you, do you know that there’s a thing called tomorrow? What happens when she wakes up and sees, “Holy shit, you haven’t changed.” You’re the same guy that she rejected earlier and you’ve just tricked her through whatever, drugs, alcohol, whatever, into making it a split-second decision for you.
You have to hold it down, man. I’m assuming you don’t want it just for sex, because you’re talking about boyfriend material, right? If you’re going to trick her at the beginning of the relationship, you’ll have to keep up this ruse, this trick, for the rest of your relationship. So, short-term Rens, there you go, that’s the truth. Don’t try to technique-wise trick somebody, to manipulate attraction, even if it could happen. It’s not going to serve you.
If you want to be in a relationship with somebody, you have to become worthy of that relationship. That means you have to invest in yourself, like all other successful people. Get serious. It’s time to get serious.
“If there’s one thing I’m sure of, it would be that I love this girl.” Oh, really? Okay, if you love this girl, then why are you trying to trick her to be yours for that moment? You’re putting yourself in a position where you feel that she is of higher worth or higher value. Why don’t you work on yourself so that you become worthy of somebody like that? And maybe you won’t get her, though if you hang around long enough, if you apply the strategies I give in the friendzone, which is largely based on having her forget the shitty impression you made in the first place, and then changing– that’s the most reliable method.
There are a couple of others that I present, but that’s the most reliable. And if you do that, then it’s not a technique. It’s that you’re for real changing, transforming, improving yourself, developing yourself, becoming a better man who is worthy of somebody like that, a woman like that, and won’t feel intimidated or unworthy in her presence.
All of our insecurities… There are — I’m speaking to everyone else now — you have insecurities that are results of your upbringing and environmental background, and so on, and those need to be addressed through therapy or through our course Invincible. That’s directly into the unconscious.
But then there are these insecurities that are legitimate ones because you should feel insecure about it. If I could trick somebody to allow me to be a surgeon, because maybe I want a surgeon salary or something stupid like that, and I’ve tricked them, now I got to go into the fucking surgical room and do my own job. So, I’ve tricked them. It’s sort of like you tricked this girl to letting you be her boyfriend. Now, I use those words ‘letting you be’ because that’s the way you think about it. It’s a horrible way of thinking about it, Inner Game Alert, right?
‘Letting you be the boyfriend’, it’s like ‘letting me be the surgeon’. Doesn’t mean shit because I don’t know how to do surgery. I’m going to kill this person on the surgical table. I’m going to pick up these knives and I’m like, “Oh fuck”, right? And yes, sure, maybe I can pump myself up with confidence like, “I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.” But if I don’t know how to do surgery, I don’t know how to do it. I should feel insecure.
Rens, you should feel insecure if you haven’t worked on yourself. If you haven’t taken the time, the hours and the learning that it takes to understand human psychology, you should feel insecure. You don’t deserve it right now, so go and deserve it. If I want to be a surgeon, I got to go through fucking medical school and I got to learn this fucking shit because somebody’s life is on the line.
So, respect what I’m teaching here, respect it. It’s not some fucking technique. Get the fuck out of this group if that’s what you want. There’s many other PUA bullshit groups that you can learn from. This is a group for authentic, true natural men or naturally attractive men. Natural men, too. I hope you’re not a prosthetic man.
Okay, “She does not seem to react to any of these tech…” Oh, any of the PUA techniques in a positive way. “I keep on trying to become more of a social, seductive man for I absolutely think…” Oh, wonderful, Rens. Okay, you think self-improvement is inevitable. Well, there you go. Improve yourself. First step is to take the free video course that I’ve provided for free on the friendzone.
“My big question is, what can I do in this very specific case if I want to break out of the friendzone and make her my girlfriend?” It’s not a very specific case. This is a general case, in fact. It’s specific to you, obviously, but this is the same problem that millions of men around the world face. They like a girl, she doesn’t like him back. She does like him enough to keep him as a friend, hence he’s in the friendzone, hence I’ve created a free course on how to deal with that.
Take the free course. And we’re working on getting that pinned post ready. If it’s not ready by the time you see this video, I’ll put the link to the page in the comments for your question. I got to make sure I keep that page open. So, I’ll link it in the comments so you can go and enter your email there. And I have a free crash course on getting out of the friendzone, so improve yourself.
Now ideally, in the long term, the only sustainable solution is that you actually become a man who is worthy of a woman like the one you’re describing. So that when you’re with her, you don’t feel intimidate anymore, so that you can be in a position also of screening her, not just being screened; not just the supplicant begging to be the boyfriend.
As soon as you’re in that position, it’s already game over. Any woman who’s with you, as long as you have that mindset, is going to end up, even if at the beginning she was attracted to you, she’s going to end up pitying you and no one can respect somebody they pity. Not at the same time, you cannot pity and respect at the same time.
So right now, she pities you. But after you go through Aura Transformation, she will respect you. How about that? Alright, that’s the end of Episode 134. Make sure you join the private Facebook group. Click on the link below, join the group. Rens asked this question. I’m catching up on the backlog there because we did the launch for 10 Weeks to Freedom and there’s a lot of work that we do and I do for that group. So, that group’s taken up a lot of my time.
Also, keeping abreast of Limitless and Invincible in the forums there, plus shooting new videos for lots of new bonuses and surprises coming up. So, I am catching up though. We’re in the office now, so prioritizing creating this content for you for free. Alright, so join the private Facebook group. Ask your questions there. I’ll see you inside the group.
And add your friends! You can do that. So if you’re in the group, once you’re in the group, you can add a friend and then we’ll just approve them as well. So, get your friends in there too. I’ll see you all inside the private Facebook group. And until then, Man Up![MUSIC]