Man Up | Ep. 126 • July 11, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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David Tian: Boom! Stop. In Man Up Episode 126, I answer the question of: How do you make a girl date you exclusively?
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hey! It’s David Tian, Ph.D, and for the past ten years, I’ve been help millions of people around the world in over 87 countries attain success in life and love. And welcome to Episode 126 of Man Up! Shooting on the iPhone, but finally remembered to do it wide or long like this. Episode 126, I’m in Toronto in a studio. It’s all white behind me, pretty cool.
Okay, question from the private Facebook group… By the way, join the private Facebook group because there is a new program I’m launching that is only being released to the guys on the private Facebook group, and you only get all of the free live shows – I’m doing a lot of live shows as a part of it – and you only get access to that if you’re inside the private Facebook group. So, join that now, click on the link below, join the group. We approve requests every day, so join the group.
And here’s a question from the private Facebook group. This one’s from Shao. Shao asks, “Hi David, I’ve recently confessed to a girl.” Okay, so for everyone outside Singapore, what this means is that he told a girl he liked her. I can’t tell how old he is, but hey guys, everywhere else in the world, this is very juvenile kind of language. And I’ve already made a video on confessing to a girl, and a lot of guys are like, “What does that even mean? Oh, you mean you tell her you like her.”
So, this guy, Shao, starts off with, “I’ve recently confessed to a girl. She neither accepted nor rejected me, instead she says she needed more time to think about it, as I guess she was hurt in her previous relationship.” Now, I asked for clarification actually, and what he means by this is, they have been dating but they did not make it official [CUT OFF] needed more time to think about our relationship. I don’t think she’s playing me, but rather she is undecided whether I’m the right person for her.
So, that’s the context. Going back to the original question. “In the meantime,” he says, “We’re still going out like we did over the last six months.” So, they’ve been going out on dates, I suppose, just the two of them for dinner or something like that for the past six months, but he wants to get into an exclusive relationship with her so he had the talk with her. And she said, “Let me think about it.” “Both of us are conservative and we seldom talk about our feelings.” And then here’s the kicker, the question is, “What should I do and say now in order to help her opening up to each other and winning her heart over?”
Okay, it’s a short question but there are a lot of issues there. And geez, where do I start? So, let’s just break it down one at a time as the issues come up in the question. So the first is that he had ‘the talk’ to become exclusive, she said no and then he said they’re conservative. Look dude, Shao, you might be conservative, she’s not. Because if she were, then the two of you ‘going out’ on dates for six months already makes you in an exclusive relationship. If she’s truly conservative, then you’d already be in a relationship, because a really conservative woman wouldn’t do this unless she’s in a relationship. Understand this: you’re getting played.
So, if you think she’s conservative, you’re misreading the situation. She’s not, okay? And a lot of guys, they get tricked. Girls play guys all the time, so there you go. I don’t know what more to say. So you’re getting played, this girl’s not very conservative; she’s playing you because you’re going out on dates for six months. She’s stringing you along. She’s probably put you in the friendzone already but she gets something out of the relationship with you, which is I don’t know. If you’re really conservative, that means you should be paying for it, but maybe you’re not because you’re so young and poor. So, maybe you guys are splitting your cheap dinners or something.
So maybe she’s getting companionship, she’s obviously getting affirmation and validation from you because you’re really into her, and this makes her feel good about herself; it strokes her ego. There are a lot of things that the girls get out of keeping guys in the platonic zone. She’s clearly keeping you in the platonic zone. You need help getting out of the friendzone, so you just look for the… I did a bunch of friendzone videos as part of Man Up episodes, there also –
How to Get Out of the Friendzone
I should probably just put it into the comments here, I probably will after this video – is a special course I’ve done for getting out of the friendzone, understanding why you’re in the friendzone in the first place and how to get out of it.
So, you need to sign up and get that. It’s free. I made a free course on it. Free, okay? I’m just emphasizing the free part of that. Okay, great, so she’s not conservative if she’s been seeing you, dating for six months and still saying no to an exclusive relationship. Because if she were conservative, this would already be an exclusive relationship. She would only be doing this with you if she wanted to be in a committed relationship with you. She’s playing your ass. You’re conservative, she is not actually.
That analysis in itself is worth everything because you’re going to go around thinking these girls are like you. That’s one of the problems in psychological biases; we go around thinking everyone else thinks like we do or feels like we do, and that’s something I’ve had to learn the hard way over the years through sales. A lot of guys are not in the same position as me, so I’m constantly learning what it’s like to be a beginner again, to take that white belt… And this is one of the selfish reasons I’m doing the Man Up group is to remind me, to get me, help me get into your reality. It’s really important for me to understand what you’re thinking and feeling, and this is one of those.
Especially even for the guys in other parts of the world who don’t understand this; this is what a conservative boy or a conservative young man is thinking when he’s dating a girl. He’s waiting until six months in to have the ‘talk’ about being exclusive. He still thinks she’s conservative even when she says, “Let me think about it.” You say you’re both conservative and you seldom talk about your feelings. I’m assuming then that when you do get together, have been getting together these six months on dates, you just talk about other shit. Because if you’re not talking about your feelings, you’re not being personal.
So, there are three levels of conversation: platonic, boring objective shit; so you talk about topics which means you never get personal. There can be no personal relationship as a basis of that. Platonic, and to go in detail on this would be our conversation course. We have several. You’ll learn this in Limitless and Invincible, but there are also conversation courses in pretty much all of our programs. So, basic conversation style, you need to go take that. We do have a couple of hours for the basic course, so it’s not something that’s ideal for just a free course.
So, basic conversation platonic, then the next level is personal; this is where you talk about yourself and her. And then there’s actually another level, my buddy Christian Hudson likes to call it Interpersonal, talking in terms of we, not just you and me, but we. But then there’s another level which is sexual, so personal, platonic, personal, sexual. So, you’re not even past that first level, really. If you’re not talking about your feelings, then you’re not at the personal level yet.
You need to start talking in terms of I, me, my and asking her about herself and how you feel. If you’re not on the level of feelings, then you’ve been talking about nothing. You’ve just been having safe, platonic conversation for six months. That’s why there’s no sexual tension, there’s no passion. You might think there is but she doesn’t feel any of it. Otherwise, the man should not be initiating this talk, ever. Maybe 30 billion years from now, or whatever, a hundred years from now, sexual politics will have changed so dramatically that it will have gone against evolution.
But right now, in this world and for all of human history, man or woman, this talk should not be necessary, but especially from the man’s perspective. You should be creating in her such sexual tension and desire and passion that she will be asking you. If she doesn’t ask you and initiates, like being exclusive and monogamous, in a committed relationship, this is not for you to do. This is not for you to ask. You need to create that desire in her for her to pursue you, for her to chase you. You should not be begging for this.
How to Talk to Women
And I know you don’t have the skills. I know you don’t have the conversation skills. I know you don’t have the psychological understanding of it. I know you don’t haven’t yet, until this point, respected the psychology of all the shit that’s most important for you in life. Hey guys listening, this is the most important area of your life. I don’t fucking care if you have all the money in the world. I don’t fucking care if you have the best body or whatever else you chase. If you don’t have love in relationships, you have nothing. You can have freedom but having freedom without love is meaningless.
Look, if everyone you love is in jail and you’re outside jail, what good is that? I mean, that’s just a good example. Thank you very much. But get this handled; understand your school has not prepared you, your society has fucked you up. Until you take seriously the fact that your psychological well-being is your responsibility and you need to take that education into your own hands and look sources for it. I know I’m one of them, but I’m doing as much as I can for free. Until you wake up to that reality, you will always be out of control, never happy. Your happiness will not be in your control.
So Shao, you got to bone up on your conversation skills. You got to bone up on your knowledge of psychology, of female psychology, or you will always be in the beggar’s position. Right now, you’re in the beggar’s position, man. If you don’t talk about your feelings, if you don’t know how to, it’s got nothing to do with being conservative. By the way, she’s not conservative. Conservative people talk about their feelings just behind closed doors. There can be no emotional connection. There can be no emotional connection if you’re not relating on an emotional level.
So, if you want to take this beyond to the next level, you have to get emotional about it, and that means you need to develop your emotional intelligence. You need to develop emotional freedom. If you’re in Singapore, the average guy in Singapore… I know if you go clubbing, you’re not the average guy in Singapore, but I know the average guy in Singapore. It is my job to know them, and the average guy in Singapore is so repressed socially, obviously, but also emotionally – Shao’s a great example – where you think it’s not something to learn, to talk about emotions, that it has something to do with being conservative.
No, it has something to do with being emotionally unintelligent. So if your whole society is emotionally stupid, that doesn’t make you better, doesn’t make you conservative. Throughout history, there have been many people, scholars, leaders of Asian history, in the 1100’s for instance who are deeply emotionally intelligent. And most Chinese philosophy is about emotions, actually, and all the great Chinese philosophers are of course conservative, especially by our standards, and it’s got nothing to do with being conservative.
Expressing your feelings all the time to strangers, yes that is, but behind closed doors on one-and-one situations with somebody that you’ve been meeting for six months? Dude, it sucks if you’re not at the feelings level. That’s a nothing relationship, that’s a platonic relationship, this is friends relationship. You’re already deep in the friendzone, man. That’s why she’s saying no. You confessed to her and she said no. Dude, you’re in the friendzone, and it’s got nothing to do with being conservative. You’re conservative, she is not. She’s just pretending to be.
Maybe she’s not even pretending. You just assume because of your cognitive bias that she is like you. So, you need to have freedom. Guess what? There is a special course that I’m releasing in the… You guys know, Shao posted his question, this is not fabricated, but everything comes down… The first step, the first biggest mistake is when a guy doesn’t understand that he needs to be free first. There can be no love without freedom. Those who are religious, understand this, the importance of free will. There can be no love without freedom, and there can be no happiness without love.
The first step then is freedom, and that is what the course is. 10 Weeks to Freedom, it’s being launched only in the Man Up Facebook group. Join the group. It’s the only way you can get the information and the live videos, the live shows, on the group. So, join the private Facebook group. Great transition. Shao, you need to really pay attention to the 10 Weeks to Freedom coming up. You need the freedom. You need the emotional freedom to express your feelings, to actually… You also need the emotional awareness of what you are actually feeling. That’s the first step, to be able to understand what you’re feeling and then to be able to…
I got to turn notifications off when I do this – and then to be able to emote with her.
If you don’t emote with her, if you don’t connect with her emotionally, there’s no relationship there. And a lot of guys, pick-up artists, they don’t even emotionally connect. They’re not even aware, many of them, of their own emotional turmoil and why it’s happening. They’re just reacting like animals and dogs, but they’re getting through some bullshit lines and stuff, and through surface-level, the outer, exterior manifestations of emotional intelligence, they’re triggering sexual feelings within the first four hours, ten hours of getting sexual. But then it’s just a disaster zone after that, and they don’t ever have deep…
They always have to be somebody else. They have to put on that mask and they’re never themselves when they’re with women, truly, the true authentic self. Because otherwise, you wouldn’t need all those tricks and games and to memorize shit. He would just be himself, comfortable in his own skin, just saying and thinking and feeling whatever he wants and putting it out there, and having that be the basis for how he attracts women and for being his attractive self.
So all of that, to say, get on the 10 Weeks to Freedom launch. It’s inside the private Facebook group. It’s happening right now. Hopefully we can get this video out before it ends. But it’s a short period of time because I’m taking that batch of students and fully investing in them for the ten weeks and beyond, as you’ll see.
Alright, so I’ll see you inside, Shao, and everybody else. Join the private Facebook group. I’ll see you inside the group. Until then, Man Up![MUSIC]