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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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Should I Help Her With Her Finances?
David Tian Ph.D. discuss what men should be resolving first when encountering situations like this.
David Tian Ph.D. explains what men need to do so they will not be exploited in relationships.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. reveals what areas in life men need to fix first.
Boom! Stop. I’m David Tian, PhD, and in this video, I answer the question: Should I help her with her finances? Welcome to Man Up Episode 221.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I’m David Tian, PhD., and this is Man Up!
Hi. I’m David Tian, PhD., and for over the past 10 years, I have been helping hundreds of thousands of people in over 87 countries attain success, happiness and fulfillment in life and love. Welcome to Man Up Episode 221. I’m in Bangkok at one of my favorite malls again. Just above us is the Park Hyatt Hotel, recently opened, will be up there for some drinks later tonight. This is a nice patio. They’re renovating it so it’s a bit of a mess, but it’s a nice outdoor area. It’s coming up to dry season in beautiful Bangkok, so the weather is pretty damn good right now.
It’s sunny but not too hot or humid at all. I got a question here from the Man Up private Facebook group. This one comes from Greg. Greg has a question:
“I was with this girl for 14 years. Some rough spots and some greats. I am 15 years older. She came to me about a year ago and said she didn’t want to be with me, and then she said we will try. About 4 months after that, she said we were done. I moved out and she was having financial issues. To make a long story short, she has been asking for money to help her… What should I do? I don’t want to be just a cash cow for her. She dumped my ass to the curb. If I give her money, it would help her with the bills, but I don’t want to give her money for her to go partying with other guys. I think it’s the case of grass is greener on the other side…”
I chose this question because I can’t believe you asked this inside the group. I ended up having to turn off the comments because you’re just getting nailed. It seems like you – and other guys who ask this sort of question don’t get it. I just want to break it down real quick. There’s a video that you should watch. It’s a 40-minute or so video where I go into depth on what your deeper issues are, that you have white knight syndrome, fixer mentality, basically the same thing, that you’re a rescuer. You need to fix that first or you will always get exploited in relationships.
It goes back to your issues with probably your mother and maybe your dad, but definitely your primary care givers, and the way that they related to you, so that you believe that in order for you to get love, you would have to be a certain way, which in this case is a giver or a pleaser. You’ve got to fix that. You’ve got to go back and heal that, grow from that before you can understand why you’re getting exploited here.
It’s interesting to see, for those who are suffering less from this, how deep-rooted it is. Listen to the yo-yo back and forth. He’s explaining to us that they’ve been going out for 14 years back and forth. She kept dumping him then coming back together with him; dumping him, taking him back. “4 months ago, she said we were done.” So he moved out and then she was having financial issues. Who gives a fuck? You’re over with. Why do you give a fuck whether she has financial issues? But you do because you’re a rescuer, you’re a white knight, so she can call you back with that bullshit.
“To make a long story short, she’s been asking for money to help her. What should I do?” What do you mean? You should do nothing. You should not even be on the fucking receiving end of that phone call. Anyways, “What should I do?” You should not be asking this question, not even be thinking about it. “I don’t want to be just a cash cow for her. She dumped my ass to the curb.”
Okay, good. “If I give her money, it would help her with the bills.” What the fuck? It’s like from one sentence to the next. One sentence he’s manning up, he’s like, “I don’t want to be her bitch.” The next sentence after that, he’s like, “But she needs money and I want to help her out, but I don’t want to be taken advantage of.” Are you kidding? “I don’t want to give her money so she can go partying with other guys.” What, you want to give her money so she can take advantage of you? I mean, okay, don’t party with other guys, but yeah, “Just take my money and pay the bills.” What are you, a fucking charity?
Man, Greg. I need some money. Why don’t you just – Give me a break, right? It’s not a case of grass is greener on the other side. It’s the case of you’re a pussy. You’re needy. There’s nothing you can do about it without going through a therapeutic process. Literally, going back into your past, healing whatever the bullshit that brought you to this point is, because people get triggered very easily when it has to do with a significance, when it’s about their need for love, their need for connection, or their need for significance, or their need for security, and they get into this very irrational state.
Maybe you’re a very intelligent person in all these other areas of your life. But in this area, you’re not thinking straight. It’s very easy for her to pull those strings and wrap you around her finger. Because when it comes to this, you’re not thinking straight. You’re not rational. The reason you’re irrational is because you’re actually acting out. You’re regressing back to childhood and you’re acting out childhood issues with your relationships. Unless you fix that, none of this will matter because you’re going to just repeat this whole pattern again.
Watch the earlier video. I think it’s Episode 194/193 on the white knight syndrome. You got to address that first.
Alright man, I gotta get our drinks and food are coming up. I got to get to that and we got a movie. It’s time to watch Thor. We’re going to watch Thor later on. I’ll see you in the next video, and I’ll see you in the Man Up private Facebook group. Make sure you click the link, join the group. We approve requests every day, multiple times a day. I’ll see you inside the group. Until then, David Tian, signing out. Man Up!