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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
Connect with David Tian here:
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What If You’re Desperate For Sex
- David Tian Ph.D. discusses the difference between sexual neediness and sexual desperation.
- David Tian Ph.D explains the reason behind the desperation.
- In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D gives advice on how this sexual desperation can be addressed.
David Tian: Boom! Stop. In Episode 127 of Man Up, I answer the question of: What if you’re desperate for sex?
Masculinity for the intelligent man. I’m David Tian, Ph.D. and this is Man Up!
Hey! It’s David Tian, Ph.D. And for over ten years, I’ve been helping more than a million people in over 87 countries attain success in life and love through applying ancient wisdom and cutting-edge research. And welcome to Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man, Episode 127. I’m outside Toronto, Canada, in the studios, shooting as part of 10 Weeks to Freedom, which is launching exclusively, only inside the private Facebook group. Join the private Facebook group to get in on that. It is only going to be open for a few days. And in fact, I’m not even sure it’ll be open when this video is posted, but join the private Facebook group and find out.
So, we’ll see. It’s 10 Weeks to Freedom, filming that here in the studios. It’s got this cool light screen behind me. And answering a question from the private Facebook group, this one comes from Kenneth. It’s a long-ish question. I will try to summarize.
“Hello, Dr. David.” He wants to ask something about neediness. So Kenneth, as a background, I asked for further clarification, he’s 18 years old from the Philippines. Quite a few younger guys asking questions the past couple of weeks, but I know there are a lot of lurkers who are older. So, go ahead and ask your questions, older guys. But the past couple times has been from the younger guys.
Anyway, he says, “I have this needy feeling when I’m having a conversation with a woman either through text or in person, because I think I want to have sex with them but wanting something that is outside my control is bad, but I just can’t help to feel it. What is the proper way to deal with this neediness?”
So, he keeps using neediness, this word, over and over and over. But in fact, I think he means a kind of sexual desperation. So I had to ask, “How old are you?” because the way he’s talking about it was strange. I will show you. He says, “I want to have sex with them and I just can’t hide it. In trying to pretend and hide it, so that she will not lose her attraction to me is just emotionally tiring and it’s wrong in the first place. I wonder, what is the right strategy about this? How can I deal with this? Like, how can I regulate myself so that she was not lose her attraction?
But not just because I don’t want her to lose her attraction, but because I think this problem alone causes me more problems. Like, I can’t focus on my studies and et cetera. And when I try to meet women, I just feel bad because I didn’t handle the situation properly. It’s really tiring emotionally and frustrating.”
Okay, he keeps saying it’s exhausting and these words like ‘tiring’, ‘exhausting’. Okay, “I noticed when I’m having a conversation with a girl through text, I also feel like they’re not needy as much as men. I wonder if it’s natural and part of the woman to not care so much, or do they also experience this kind of feeling of being needy or wanting something?” He keeps saying ‘needy’, but needy is deeper than what he’s actually feeling just so we know, and just so that you know if you’re listening. As you are listening. “Is it naturally part of a man to be aggressive and is this connected to being needy, I wonder? I just want a girl…” bla-bla. Okay.
“Your free stuff’s really great, Dr. David. I read and watch a lot. I hope these things remain on the internet.” Cool, I hope so too. You’re welcome. So, what Kenneth, the 18 year old Kenneth from the Philippines is really talking about, is that he’s horny as fuck. He’s just horny. So, there’s this movie, “There’s Something About Mary”. Like, this guy’s about to go on a date. I forget who it was. Ben Stiller or something, or is it Adam Sandler? I can’t remember now. But anyway, this guy’s going on a date with Mary, this hot chick, Cameron Diaz plays her. And his buddy is like, “Are you just going to meet her? Have you jerked off?” And the guy’s like, “No.”
He’s like, “If you don’t jerk off before the date, it’s like going out with a loaded weapon, like with a loaded gun.” I can’t remember. Is it Ben Stiller? Anyway, the guy then jerks off in the bathroom. And then when he cums, he can’t find it. It’s like the funniest thing. And then she rings the doorbell. So, he goes and meets her and then hilarity ensues and you should watch the movie or the scene to see the ending. But that whole idea of you want to not go out with a loaded weapon is funny, because at some level guys will get it. It’s funny because there’s some level of truth to it.
And when you’re 18… So that’s why I was wondering, like the way he’s describing it phenomenologically from the inside, how his experience is, it’s not the way a normal adult male would describe neediness. And he’s here describing a kind of, “I want to have sex with her but I can’t hide it. I’m trying to hide it.” And so, I found out he’s 18 then it made sense. Because when you’re 18, you’re just horny and you just want to get off. Like, you just want to hump things. And yeah, 18 year old girls are not as horny overall; they’re not as into their sexuality yet because many of them have not even orgasmed properly yet, like a proper orgasm.
Many of them don’t even know how to masturbate properly yet. And they’ll learn if they’re in the modern West or in Westernized places, but probably get out into their sexual peak before they start to level off more into their 30s. And so, many of them, if they continue to grow in that area, like learn more and develop, continue to become more sexual into their 40s even. So, an 18 year old boy, he’s definitely going to be a lot hornier than an 18 year old girl, also because it’s just more accessible to him; his sexual apparatus is easier to manipulate than it is for the girl, for her to figure out masturbation and all that.
So, my advice would be, there’s something about Mary’s advice to Kenneth. You don’t want to go and meet the girl just horny. Sexual transference from an 18 year old boy to an 18 year old girl is just not going to work very well, because you’re just too young. I don’t know. I just don’t even want to think about that. When psychologists or when I’m talking about neediness in my courses or in Man Up episodes, this is not the neediness I’m referring to. I’m not referring to neediness around sexual.. like getting off like sexual neediness. Sexual neediness is a lot closer to just pure hunger.
When your stomach’s empty and you need calories, you are hungry. You’re literally hungry. It’s not like you’re satiated, but you still want some more chocolate cake. I mean in the situation where your stomach is growling and you’re eating up muscle to burn fuel, you need food. And in Kenneth’s case, as an 18 year old boy, you could ejaculate two or three times a day and it’d still be healthy, if you’re active as well physically with sports and stuff. Now, I wouldn’t do that because probably you will lose your motivation to do other stuff, but you could do that for a couple of days and you’d still be okay.
And you can do that for several days depending on what your T-levels are like. So, if I were you, you want to get that out of the system so it’s not in the forefront of your thoughts. In other words, don’t go to a buffet after having starved yourself for two days. You’re going to over-gorge and you’ll just get a massive stomachache. So in other words, take the “There’s Something About Mary” advice, and I don’t want to just say it on tape here but Steve Mayeda was pretty explicit in our latest Man Up episode.
So yeah man, whatever you need to do, get it out of your system before you go and meet the girl. Because yes, you’re just going to be a ravenous dog and you won’t be a normal human being. Like, you won’t be able to be present with her because your presence is going to be just focused on that thing down there. So get that out of your system. As an 18 year old, that’s all that you’re really at right now. So, that’s a pretty simple episode. Cool! That’s one I can definitely do in under ten minutes.
You’re just horny. And as you become more mature and that becomes something you can sublimate, you can control that sexual desire, it will become a powerful force in calling out sexual desire even in an 18 year old girl. But right now, it is like an uncontrolled force on you. So, while that’s the case… It’s like your dam is not holding the water that’s coming out. You want to let some of that water out. Alright, I’m going to stop with these analogies. You know what I’m talking about. Get it out of your system before you go meet them if you feel like this: you’re so desperate because you just want to, “Ugh, I want to jump that girl.”
And you’ll notice that after you’ve ejaculated, you have this sort of calmness, this sort of [SIGHS], right? And now, you can think clearly, now you can plan, now you can do long-range planning. You can think about your homework, you can do all that other stuff. And especially if you’re 18 years old, it’s going to be especially prominent in you. So, take the “There’s Something About Mary”’s advice here. And over time as you mature, you’re going to get a better handle on it, and you’ll get better control over that dynamic in you. But right now, it’s probably also a pretty new thing so you’re not even aware of what’s going on. You’re just reacting hormonally to it.
Alright, so that’s ten minutes. Awesome! So for the guys who want to get in on the 10 Weeks to Freedom, the only way you can get in is by joining the private Facebook group. Again, not even sure it’ll be available when this video gets posted. Maybe like one or two days left only when you join the private Facebook group, but go ahead and do it. Join, join, join, join, join! I will see you inside there. Until next time, Man Up![MUSIC]