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For over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D. — a uniquely qualified therapist, life coach, and former university professor — has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their relationships, dating, psychology, and lifestyle.
Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man” (https://www.davidtianphd.com/blog/), is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in the Man Up private Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/) and answers based on his experience coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
Connect with David Tian here:
DTPHD Podcast Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/dtphdpodcast/
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How To Get Her To Contact You Again
David Tian Ph.D. explains what the “the do more trap” is and why it happens to some men.
David Tian Ph.D. reveals how men could have killed the attraction.
In this Man Up episode, David Tian Ph.D. asks men to move on with their lives and to stop investing on her so much.
In episode 28 of Man Up, I talk about why girls will stop chasing you.
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up!
Welcome to Man Up, episode 28. My name is David Tian, Ph.D. And I’m reading out another question to answer from the private Facebook group. This one’s from Mim. His story is – it’s medium long, I’m going to read it to you. “The girl I started dating seems to be excited to talk to me at first, for a month. Then she said she wants to get in a serious relationship with me and see how things go. That happened to be two months ago.
But then she started to work and study at the same time and says she doesn’t have much time for me leaving me the only one who initiates conversations. It feels like she doesn’t even really care about me. So now, I’m usually the one who keeps talking and tries to please her – like, one way relationship. In this relationship, I start to feel like under par and more like a nice guy. Well, she’s cool. How should I act as a man? Please advise.”
Okay, great. This is interesting because underneath it, some of the guys from the Man Up private Facebook group have chimed in with their thoughts, which is cool. Always good to see people interact with each other. Here are my thoughts on it. Based on that information, any girl would know there’s not enough to actually give a definitive answer. So here’s the deal, the most important variable is, guys aren’t even aware of what they are.
They’re not even aware of what factors contribute to attraction. Based on what you said, the only variables that he’s been able to pull out is time – so you got one month, two months – and then commitment or investment. So she wanted more commitment, she wanted a serious relationship, he then invested, she pulled back, he starts to invest more, she starts to invest less and this is how it goes.
So guys, be aware of this. It happens on a micro-level in terms of push-pull. So when you’re in an interaction with a girl, even despite herself and even – this happens the same for men. When you try too hard, when you try too hard to impress people and you say too much like you say that extra sentence or that extra word or you’re a little too eager. And she pulls back and then you go further and then you do more – that’s a trap. It’s what I call “the do more trap”. And this is on a micro-level, within one conversation.
It’s also on a macro-level, within a long-term relationship that lasts months and years. And it is what clinical psychologists call the see-saw effect. A see-saw effect that in a relationship, generally, it’s never perfectly equal, there’s always somebody who’s more up and somebody who’s more down. And that’s just a necessary part of it.
Now, I know there’s actually a way out of it and I cover that in my live training called Rock Solid Relationships. It is a three-day, eighteen hour event. I obviously can’t give it all to you in a five minute video but it’s just a little teaser. Put it in there if you’re interested, send me a private message or let me know on the private Facebook group. And we do these in Singapore twice a year. Now, at some point, maybe in a couple of years, I’ll film it. But here’s the deal, it’s important that you at least understand the see-saw model.
The see-saw model is when somebody is hooked; the other person’s pulling back. And you have to realize that in the first month, when she’s asking for the serious relationship that you’re in more of a powerful position because your less invested. But you still desire it, that’s good. Now, what you don’t want to do is suddenly go all-in and go overboard because that’ll actually cause her to unconsciously – if she doesn’t mean to do this, normally – but unconsciously to pull back, just to make it balanced. It’s part of human psychology.
So she’s going to pull back and then you go even more, that’s bad. That’s your first biggest mistake. And the more you dig in, the further back she goes. So suddenly, it becomes where it was – if this is you and you’re up, suddenly it goes like this then like this, like this, like this, like two months later, boom, you’re on the ground. She’s way up. She doesn’t like that. She doesn’t like the feeling of being so far up. And it’s not a good dynamic, it’s not good tension, there’s no sexual tension, there’s no attraction.
You’ve killed the attraction because you chased too hard. Now, at this point, you’re in damage control. So you’ve got to pull away, you’ve got to start to right the balance. You can do it suddenly but then she’s going to feel weird and it’s going to feel awkward. Obviously, the best thing to do is in your next relationship to be aware of that dynamic, push-pull.
Now, for everyone else who’s watching this, here’s how you can see it happen very easily. In your text messaging, WhatsApping, your Facebook messaging, whatever, you’ll notice that one of the best times to disappear in a conversation is when – you’re texting the girl, right? She texts you back right away and then she texts you a question and then another question, rapid fire.
If you want her to be hooked even more, get her chasing a little bit more – and this works for guys and girls – if you want the other person to chase you a bit more, when you know they’re hooked, like it’s a fish who’s bitten on the hook, that’s when you disappear for a little while. You get her hooked even more.
Guess what’s happened. Now, you know what it’s like, when you’ve texted somebody three times in a row, with questions in the text and then they suddenly don’t respond, what happens? You start to panic a little bit, like why? So all these questions go through your head, like why isn’t she responding, what’s going on? This is just part of human psychology.
Now, you don’t want to abuse this, you don’t want to exploit this, you don’t want to manipulate this or use this in bad ways but it’s important to understand, this is how we’ve evolved – this is human psychology and respect it. So if you’re in a relationship and you don’t want to play games then don’t do that. But understand that what’s happening for you when you over-invest, what’s going on with your psychology and all the thoughts that are going through your head. The temptation is to suddenly dig yourself in a deeper hole.
A really hilarious way of putting this was in that old, classic movie Swingers, where the guy leaves the message on the girl’s answering machine and then he’s like, “Oh, shit!” and leaves another one and he’s like, “Oh, fuck!” And he keeps leaving these messages until it gets worse and worse and worse and worse -classic example of this dynamic.
Based on the little bit that he’s told me, that one paragraph, is what’s happening. Now, there may be a lot of other factors and variables at play that he hasn’t told us about, that he’s not even aware of but right there, just based on what he said, you can see that that’s going on in that relationship. So, pull back, stop investing so much, stop thinking about her so much. Get on with your life, get your purpose back or get moving with your life finding happiness and fulfillment in yourself again. And then you’ll find her starting to come back. That’s your best chance, at least.
Okay, so, for the guys who want to learn more about long-term relationships, how to navigate the waters especially in this push-pull type of dynamic, join the private Facebook group and ask me those questions personally. As you can see, I answer, I look through the private Facebook group to find the questions that I answer in the show. So get in those, I’m going to answer them in each of these episodes. And in the meantime, I’m David Tian, signing out – man up.