Man Up | Ep. 83 • March 03, 2016
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or over a decade, David Tian, Ph.D., has coached tens of thousands of people from over 87 countries to achieve happiness and success in their dating and love lives.
Once a nerdy, skinny professor of philosophical psychology who couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life, David is now director of Aura Transformation Corp., and a world renowned dating and life coach using therapeutic methods. Dr. Tian has been featured in international media, including AXN, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, as well as co-hosting a radio show on national radio and a weekly dating advice column in a national newspaper in Singapore. Formerly a professor at the National University of Singapore, Dr. Tian is actively researching, speaking, and publishing in the areas of philosophy and psychology.
The show, “Man Up: Masculinity for the Intelligent Man,” is David’s way of helping as many people as possible enjoy empowering and fulfilling lives, while contributing to the global understanding of masculinity in modern times. In the show, he takes your questions posed in The Man Up private Facebook group and answers based on his experience Coaching tens of thousands of students around the world for over a decade.
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How To Know Whether A Girl Likes You
In episode 83 of man up, I answer the question of: How to know whether a girl likes you?
Masculinity for the Intelligent Man. I am David Tian, Ph.D., and this is: Man Up!
Hi, it’s David Tian, Ph.D. and welcome to episode 83 of Man Up! I’m in Singapore, got a raspy throat because I’m recovering from this flu I got in Japan but it’s serviceable, my voice, so let me get in to this question. Second part of David’s question from the private Facebook group.
David asks, “my second question comes to dancing when a girl turns her back on you. I don’t have social queue so she wasn’t interested only to get her smile at me and ask why I left. How do you, if she is not attracted on the dance floor?”. Okay, let me translate.
What I think it means though I may be wrong. He’s asking a question about when it comes to dancing and a girl turns her back on him, he doesn’t know if she’s interested. In this case, he walked away and then he turned around and looked at her and then she smiled.
Then I guess she came over and asked “why did you leave?”. And then his question was how do you know if she’s attracted to you on the dance floor. Okay, look, there are basic signs whether somebody’s attracted to you.
Physically if she’s showing you attention, if she’s turning towards you or she’s close to you – proximity, if she’s preening like doing something with her hair and making herself look pretty, that’s a sign that she likes you.
If she’s touching you, she likes you. If she’s touching herself, she likes you. Like touching herself. If she’s following you around, following your lead, those are all pretty good signs that she likes you. Verbally, if she’s agreeing with you, she likes you. Even if she disagrees with you, that might be a sign that she likes you because you’re getting a reaction from her. So either way, she agrees or she disagrees.
A bad reaction would be that she ignores you. You don’t seem to exist in her world. That’s a bad sign. But agreement or disagreement is good. If she shows reaction, if she’s reactive to you and to what you’re saying, that’s a sign that she’s interested in you. If she changes her mind, just to side with you. Usually that’s a sign that she likes you. If she asks you questions, she probably likes you.
If she compliments, she probably likes you. If she brings up sex or any kind of sexual topics or you know, sexual body parts or something, any sexual innuendos, she probably likes you. If she accepts your sexual innuendos, she likes you. I mean, the list can go on and on.
Then there are the scientific signs that are almost a hundred percent that she likes you. Her pupils are dilated, she likes you. Her lips are a little bit swollen and red, she likes you. Her breathing is a little bit shorter, she’s more (breathing short deep breath), she likes you. If she’s in trance by making eye contact with you either directly or looks down after looking at you, she likes you.
If she looks to the side, that’s a neutral sign. Neither here nor there. If she looks up, that’s usually a good sign, she likes you. If she turns around and walks away, she still might like you but you don’t know yet. You don’t know whether she’s just ignoring you or whether she’s playing hard to get.
Usually you just assume, if you like her and you want to continue this interaction, that she’s playing hard to get. Always assume what works for you unless proven otherwise. So in this case, it worked out fine.
A lot of guys are afraid to walk away. Here’s a great thing that you guys should practice. Practice mentally walking away. You’re talking to this girl, it’s going great and then she pulls away, maybe her friend comes suddenly and she pulls away her attention to you and goes “oh my God” to a friend and you’re feeling sort of left out go ahead and mentally, you don’t have to stand there like a dick, like a loser but then there’s nothing else for you to do like maybe your friends are not around, so you want to withdraw a bit physically but most importantly mentally, be ready to walk away.
Not just willing, actually ready to walk away. That’s a great way to keep that, you know that, in check. Keep your neediness in check. So be willing to walk away.
In fact, I got a lot of guys thinking… pick up or attraction works like this. Girl – guy. Guy sees girl. Approach. Talk. Make out. Go home. It hardly ever happens like that. I mean, that’s not even normal. That’s not natural, that’s not even desirable. That is not desirable.
The one-off is not desirable. What you should be doing is, let’s say there are five women you are interested in, in that venue. Boom! Talk to one, two, three, four, five, you know, then talk to your friends then see who comes over. Take that one and go merge with that one. Then you get all five members, then you can meet up one later on in the night. I mean, there you go. You met five instead of just one.
Now obviously if you’re just looking for a girlfriend or wife, you should be a lot more strategic with the women that you’re spending your precious time with. That means that you really have to think hard about what that woman is really going to be like, and most guys and I know all these guys, David and all these other guys in the group, and tens and thousands of other guys around the world don’t think about that.
How do I know? Because when I ask them to do that in the programs, online and live it’s like brand new idea to them to think or to list out fifteen traits, personality traits not physical traits of their ideal women. Seems like they haven’t done it before. Like they haven’t thought of it. So that’s what I know that their not they’re not getting a real girlfriend that would be good for them. It’s almost like random.
Imbibing all these advise just to pick up chicks, instead of getting real advice on how to get a girlfriend. I think maybe what I will is create a new program that shows guys without having to do a lot of those cold approaches. How by understanding – self-awareness to understanding – who you are, what you stand for, how to draw women in your life who are compatible with that.
Because that’s really what you need when it comes to a girlfriend or a spouse and some guys just want that. Instead, using this other method of like picking up lots of chicks in order to get that one girl, you know there’s a much more efficient way to do that, to find that person.
Maybe I’ll do that. If you’re interested, write to me on the private Facebook group that you’re interested in a program like that and I will create one, I will create it for you, it’s already in my head and many parts of it are found in “Limitless” and “Invincible” and definitely in our live events, in my programs like “Total Transformation”.
Going back to the question, about the dance floor, so the scenario it seemed to me was that he thought she wasn’t interested so he walked away, then she looks at him then smiles and goes over to him and says why’d you walk away. I think that’s a win! Like that’s awesome!
In fact, if you could do that, why would you go to the dance floor at all. I mean then you’d have to put in all that work, you know, and to dance. Look dude, if you’re not naturally a dancer and you can tell that he’s not naturally a dancer because he’s even the guy with the earlier problem saying that Altitude was too loud. Saying this club was too loud. So I know for a fact that this guy is not a good dancer.
So with that he’s not naturally with it. Look, best thing is make eye contact, walk away then she hunts you down. She goes and approaches you. She chases you down and says “why’d you walk away”. That’s awesome!
You see this guys who like, it’s like art, art connoisseurship. It’s like anything happening to do with art. You don’t have the eyes for it. It’s like looking at the Picasso but you don’t know what the fuck you’re looking at. It’s like you’re tasting wine, and send this out to John since we were talking about this the other day, your like tasting wine but you don’t even know what you’re tasting.
It could be a piece of shit wine or it could be an awesome wine because you haven’t trained your palettes. You haven’t got your ear training for music. You can’t tell if the base is flat or the drummer is a little bit ahead of the beat or whatever. Because you guys haven’t trained your fucking ears. And it’s just like that with all of life, with art. With all art I should say. With all art.
You have to train the connoisseurship level and you can’t even tell if he’s doing well. That’s the sad part, right? So it’s just like the most subtle levels and I can get to this in another video because another guy asked about this. When you watch an indie film video on the internet, 99 percent of the guys watching it have no fucking clue what they’re watching. They don’t know what is good.
So the best way to make an indie film video to convert prospects is to make it flashy and make it accord to their imagination on what it should look like. So the really clever ones make it entertaining and because the real arts, the real artistic, the really good interactions that average guy can’t even see it. He doesn’t even know what he’s looking at. He doesn’t know what to look for.
So dude, David. I’ll tell you right there. What you had is better, what you had when she came over to you and hunted you down and says, asks you why you left – chased you down – that is far better than the thing that you’re asking me to do for you which is getting her to like you on the dance floor.
Get the investment. Fuck the one to one and talk to her go… So this is what average guys, let me just reiterate, this is what average guys think it looks like. Girl. Guy. Hello, hi. Talk to you. Like me. Kiss me. There you go. Like that’s how they think it works.
Here’s what actually happened for him. Hello. Hi. She comes over, “hey why’d you go away?”. That’s obviously for any mature person, you would understand this, and that’s far I’m going to go with it because we’re already over 10 minutes.
I took that as a broader lesson for everyone. Taking David’s question at a broader lesson of looking, of developing our connoisseurship level of appreciation for the art that it takes, you have to be able to train your ear and your eyes to notice the right things and to develop your court vision so to speak.
Alright, so there you go as far as the dance floor goes, the big question was he asked was how do you know she likes me and ran over a ton of basic things you should look for.
Okay, join the private Facebook group, I’ll see you in the private Facebook group. Interact with me in person in there. Until next time, man up!