October 07, 2013
This is Part 5 in the series. To read from Part 1 of this section on being adventurous and easygoing, click here. To read the Introduction to the Manifesto, click here.
Easygoing: Becoming Cool, and the Difference between Assertiveness and Aggressiveness
Paradoxically, being adventurous and being easygoing go hand-in-hand. Because you are laid-back and don’t sweat the small stuff, you have the freedom to take risks, which is what makes adventures adventurous!
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A classical example of this is James Bond character in the 007 films. Despite all the life-threatening situations he faces, he always stays calm and cool and often maintains a sense of humour throughout. That’s sexy. Not freaking out in the face of danger is sexy. It shows you are confident in yourself, which implies that you have the experience and abilities to handle the situation. That’s sexy and something any woman would want to have in a man. What women would be turned on by a guy who freaks out and loses his cool in the face of danger, challenge, or risk?
So, if you are naturally uptight or risk-averse, how do you become easygoing?
The first step is deciding what is truly important to you in life, what principles and values you stand for, what your priorities are in life, and then letting everything else slide.
Some people mistakenly think that “easygoing” conflicts with “assertiveness.”
The key is to know when to be assertive and when to be easygoing.
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Moreover, “assertiveness” differs from “aggressiveness.” Being assertive is about defending your own boundaries, whereas being aggressive is about invading or attacking others.
As discussed in the section on Assertiveness, to be assertive, you need to stand up for what you believe in, what your boundaries are and so forth. You have to decide for yourself ahead of time what is of real importance to you. As an adult, you now have to determine for yourself what really needs your immediate action or emotion and what simply is not worth stressing over.
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Another important manifestation of being easy going is having a sense of humour, especially being able to laugh at yourself. In many different polls and surveys about what women are looking for in a man, a sense of humour is often right at the top of the list along with confidence. But it’s often misunderstood. Women don’t want men who just tell jokes or do private stand-up comedy shows for them; they want men who don’t take themselves too seriously.
Men who take themselves too seriously, who are uptight and risk-averse, who think everything is important and worry about every little detail–these men demonstrate their lack of self-confidence, which is a huge turn-off to women. They are worried about a lot of things because they think that they can’t handle problems as they arise. Self-confidence and a sense of humour are often found together. Learn to let go of what is not important and to laugh at yourself when things go awry.
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Women are attracted to confidence, and being easygoing about life demonstrates that you’re confident that you’ll succeed. You’re not worried because you know you can make it happen. Everything’s going to be okay.
She wants a man who can tell her that, who can show her that, who can demonstrate that through his sub-communications and behaviour, whose emotions are consistent and congruent with that belief that everything’s going to be okay.
She doesn’t want a man who worries, Oh my God, what are we going to do? I can’t handle this, I can’t handle this. That is extremely unattractive because that’s what the girl wants to be able to have the freedom to do. She can’t have this freedom if you’re already freaking out. It’s in that sense that a modern woman wants to depend on a man for security.
In the modern world, she usually doesn’t need him for financial or physical security but for his emotional security, knowing he is emotionally stable, doesn’t depend on her for his emotional strength (because then he wouldn’t be stable, would he?), and can withstand the challenges and storms that life inevitably brings. With such a man does a woman wish to partner. So being laid-back indirectly demonstrates your evolutionary fitness because it shows that you are confident that you can handle life’s problems as they arise.
Of course, it is important that you know what really matters. You need to have thought about what is important to you in life and so on. Surprisingly, few things in life actually have lasting repercussions. Sure, some of these things do include life and death situations, so don’t play Russian rouletteš don’t mess with any life-threatening illnesses or incredibly risky situations, in which the chances of you getting out alive are very low. You also don’t want to engage in activities, behaviour, or words that result in emotional scarring. Any hate crimes, or hate in general, brings very strong negative emotions, like racism, discrimination or bullying. These are all things that you should stand up against.
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Personally, I believe that any time you can stand up for and protect the vulnerable and those that depend on you are times when you should assert yourself. Show your strength by protecting others. Be positive, be a leader, but also see things for what they really are and then don’t sweat the small stuff.
Like the famous quote from Palahniuk’s Fight Club, “Let that which does not matter truly slide.”
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