November 06, 2013
Dating Advice for Men
Assertiveness – the Passive Aggressive Asian Push-Over
Before diving into a detailed description of Assertiveness, let’s first get clear on the problem.
Too many Asian men fall into the trap of being passive-aggressive Asian push-overs.
To help you better understand what this means, here’s an example that is common in nightclubs in Asia: In a hip hop club in Singapore recently–a club featuring a relatively young crowd–a fight erupted. Apparently, one of the guys felt insulted by another guy, but he just let it go at first. He just turned away and let it simmer. Then a friend of the other guy came over and taunted him, and again, the guy ignored it and just let it go. Then another friend of the other guy hit on his girlfriend. And finally the guy had had enough – he went berserk, took a beer bottle, and hit the offender over the head. And then all hell broke loose. This is typical of the passive aggressive Asian pushover–he takes it and takes it until he can’t take any more, and then he lashes out violently. It happens every weekend in nightclubs all over Asia.
The Wimpification of Modern Man
Where does this tendency come from? It can be traced back in history, past two centuries and into what I call the wimpification of modern man. There are a couple changes we can note that converged to change masculinity around the world, not just in Asia.
The first was the dawn of the absentee father. Before the industrial revolution, many sons used to apprentice under their fathers or other men. A man would have a trade and he would bring his son along when the son was old enough to learn the trade; the son would spend the day apprenticing with his dad, his uncle, or some other male role model. Then, the industrial revolution came along. And the men ended up working away from home, away from their sons. Eventually this continued into the high tech revolution, and now many men go to office buildings, leaving their sons at home or letting the school systems look after them. I first read about this phenomenon in a book by Robert Glover.
You can probably identify with this. You may have grown up with a father who came home from work every night around 6pm. You may have had a couple of hours with him before bed, and that was it.
This first trend led to the second trend, where children started to be raised and educated entirely by women.
The industrial revolution and the subsequent changes in the way daytime work occurred resulted in homes where boys were raised by their mothers because their fathers worked long hours. Or, worse yet, some boys have both parents working and they are raised by an outside caretaker instead, either a grandmother, aunt, or female non-relation, like a nanny. Then, they go to school and almost all of their teachers are female. The public school systems at the pre-secondary school level are still dominated by female teachers. I’m not pointing this out to lay blame on anyone yet. No one is to blame here. I’m just making the point that these boys grew up with little male influence.
The Boiling Point
This feminization of education stands in sharp contrast to education in premodern times, which was lead by male tutors and male teachers. I’m not saying we should return to premodern education systems! I’m simply pointing out a key reason why Asian men–and men worldwide–have been slowly slipping into a crisis of masculinity.
Having unknowingly abdicated their educational responsibilities to the women, the male father-figures have left their boys to be raised and educated in a feminine way of communication and interaction.
Meanwhile, the fathers are at the factory or the office and are largely unaware of this. Plus, because they’re away from their boys for most of the day, they don’t know their sons well, and their sons don’t know their father figures as well as they would have in a master-apprentice style of relationship as in premodern times.
How many Asian guys do you know actually feel completely comfortable hanging out with their fathers? How many of them are spending the day doing things alone with their fathers in the modern cities? Relatively few. Asian boys don’t really know their dads well.
Is being raised and educated almost entirely by women really a problem? The negative results can be seen as as early as nine years old, when the boys begin to act very differently from the girls and testosterone is changing their bodies and their brains.
In fact, neuroscience and psychology studies have shown that an education by dad is very helpful for boys at this stage. The studies show that the rougher talk of fathers prepares children better for the real world. Of course, this is assuming that your dad uses harsh rougher talk, assuming that he is a masculine man. Research has demonstrated that good dads are those who engage in aggressive play with their boys or have rough play and demonstrate aggressive protection. But many boys today are growing up without this not only because they spend most of their days being raised and educated by women, but also because their own fathers never got this, either.
The Gender Gap and Being a Man
Many psychological differences (and indeed, many physical differences) between the sexes can be traced back to the hormones. Yet some have argued that it is not good for boys to have too much testosterone. Well-known studies have shown, however, that women subconsciously prefer men with higher levels of testosterone, that they are naturally drawn to such men, especially when they are ovulating. Over millions of years, females have evolved to prefer mating with masculine men. During the teen years testosterone is flooding male bodies; this is a good thing from an evolutionary perspective because it attracts women, and any suppression of a boy’s testosterone may hamper his reproductive success.
Unfortunately, testosterone levels in men in Asia and worldwide have been dropping since the World War II era. A big driver behind the modern crisis of masculinity is the alarming decline in male’s testosterone levels, as well as in declining sperm counts.
What does this have to do with our earlier subject, the Asian pushover? I’ve already explored how boys become men, the role of testosterone in that change, and the part played by female role models in modern times.
What is the result? It creates an Asian pushover who takes it on the chin time and again, internalizing his anger, grumbling to himself or his inner circle… or to stomp.com.sg if he’s in Singapore(!). He often “turns the other cheek” until he’s so frustrated by keeping in all his frustration and resentment that he finally explodes in violent anger.
The Asian pushover also avoids not only physical but also intellectual and emotional confrontations. It extends to classroom settings or into the boardroom; he is loath to disagree, debate, or even just speak his mind. He avoids confrontation of any kind. These Asian pushovers are, at bottom, cowards. They cave in to pressure from others. They lack the courage to defend or assert their convictions. Often, they lack conviction because they don’t know what they stand for or what their personal values and principles are. They frequently feel invaded and run over, like a doormat.
Dating tips for Men
Research has shown that those who are victimised by bullying tend over time to radiate detectable vulnerability, communicating to aggressors that they lack the ability to stand up for themselves.
How to be Attractive to Women
To top it all of, these male pushovers are not sexually attractive to women. Pushovers turn off women. Females have not been evolutionarily adapted to seek out and mate with males who fail to stand up for themselves and for their dependents.
But wait, you say. What about alpha women? Maybe alpha women who can take care of themselves don’t need a big, strong man to protect them and would prefer soft, beta men…?
Well, maybe alpha women would indeed prefer a beta male, omega male, or “soft” man as a provider whom they can control (and for whom they will eventually lose whatever attraction and respect they had), but even these women will not be attracted or aroused by such pushover man sexually. Females have not evolved to prefer males who are pushovers.
Tips for Men
To be clear, the Asian pushover is closely related to, yet is slightly different from, the passive-aggressive male. Often these two traits are found together in the same man but they can appear separately.
The passive-aggressive male is different because when he disagrees or objects, he won’t tell you directly. This is because he fears taking risks. He will hide his bitterness or resentment until he cannot take it any longer, and then he will explode in an uncontrolled rage.
The Asian pushover is not aggressive…not yet anyway. Often, the way the pushover male he deals with his frustrations is to become passive-aggressive and eventually explode.
Passive-aggressive men seem immature to women; they’re not sexy at all. It’s doubly bad if you’re a passive-aggressive pushover. I could go on and on with examples of how men are becoming less masculine, how the absentee dad contributes to this, how premodern history did not tolerate men who lived this way, and how much women find such traits sexually unattractive in men. But instead, I will now turn to the positive and examine how you can be the opposite–a man who is properly assertive.
To read the Introduction to the Manifesto, click here.
Connect with David Tian here:
DTPHD Podcast Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/dtphdpodcast/
Man Up Show Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/manupcommunity/